Is it just me, or is Joe Buck the worst play-by-play broadcast announcer in history? Buck's voice grates upon my last nerve-ending like the sound of fingernails upon the blackboard. I'd rather listen to Rosie O'Donnell singing "La Traviata."
I've got to stock up on my No Doze and espresso to listen to Buck, whose voice has all of the tonal qualities of a hypnotist on downers. No inflection. No context. No excitement. Just the steady drone of a large, annoying insect.
I've wondered what it must have been like for the poor soul who gave Joe Buck voice lessons.
Teacher: "OK, Mr. Buck, I'll give you the key on my piano, and you sing the musical scale with me."
Joe: "Uh, musical scale?"
Teacher: "Yes. I'll do it first. [teacher strikes a mid "C" note piano key] Doe. . ray. . . mee. . . faa. . . so. . . laa. . . tee. . . doe."
Joe: "You want me to do that?"
Teacher: "Yes. You try it—here's your key."
Joe [clears throat]: "Doe. . . doe. . . doe. . . doe. . . doe. . . doe. . . doe. . . doe. There! How's that?"
Teacher: "Uh, I think my job's done here, Mr. Buck. Good luck, and good day, sir."
Sheesh! I hope that teacher got paid just for listening to Buck's monotonous monotone.
Sitting next to Buck will be Troy "I'm not a homer" Aikman. Sure, Troy, I believe you, even after seeing you polishing your nameplate on the Cowboys wall of fame.
Aikman has been working with Buck for so long that he's even starting to sound like Buck. It's almost too painful to contemplate.
I hope that someday, a movie will be made called Joe Buck's Speech, where our hero overcomes his aversion to inflection by being hooked up to a car battery. Every time that Buck needs to express excitement, Aikman hits the ignition.
Hey! I might be onto something there.
Sadly, I will be listening to the radio while watching the game on TV. Can you blame me?
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