A Plea to the Obnoxious Alabama Fan: Think Before You Speak

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A Plea to the Obnoxious Alabama Fan: Think Before You Speak

First of all, let me say that I am a life-long, die-hard Alabama fan.  I've lived my entire life in this state, I went to school at Alabama, and I have been a season ticket holder for the better part of my life. 

When referring to the team, I use the words "we" and "our" and "us."  Like most of us, the past few years, for the most part, have been physically painful to watch.  Like most of us, I believe this year has been one of the more enjoyable to be a part of, due in part to the fact that the performance has been so unexpected. 

However, a disturbing trend has resurfaced this year.  The trend I am referring to is that of the Obnoxious Bama Fan not being able to control his (or her) urge to phone in to call-in radio shows. 

Don't get me wrong; I appreciate the opinions and viewpoints of most people.  I listen to sports-talk radio because I like to hear a little banter, and I enjoy feeling informed about the team and hearing the news about the day-to-day activities. 

This year, unfortunately, I can only take it in small doses.  What I hear on a daily basis is evidence of why people outside of "Bama Nation" (this will be the LAST time you ever hear me use that phrase...don't get me started) loathe us. Your average call goes something like this:

HOST:  "Up next, we've got Donny from Opp...Hey, Donny."

DONNY:  "Hey Paul, love the show.  I just wanted to call in and tell all them cow college fans [stifled laugh from the background] that the Tads comin' this Saturday.  You ain't never gonna know what hitcha.  We're gonna tell ol' Tubby where he can stick that next fanger.  I really thank we're gonna win fifty to nuthin'.  Don't you, Paul?"

HOST:  "Well, Donny, I think Alabama has every chance to win this game by a couple of touchdowns, but they really don't have the kind of offense that is capable of scoring that many points against a pretty solid Auburn defense."

DONNY: "That's just what I'd suspeck you to say, Paul.  I always knew you was a closet Aubun fan.  I'm SICK of you media folks not givin' us no respeck.  You oughta be on that podunk Aubun Radio Network, you stupid sum--"

HOST:  "Okay, next caller.  We've got Doreen from Albertville.  Hey, Doreen."

DOREEN: "Paul, do you think Nick Saban could've got elected if he ran against Bark Obama?"

HOST:  "Okay, next caller.  We've got Fred from Tuscaloosa.  Hey Fred."

FRED:  "Hey Paul.  I just have one comment.  Actually, it's more of a warnin' to any Tiger fans comin' to Bear Bryant Stadium on Saturday.  You better bring a shovel."

HOST:  "A shovel, Fred?  Why?"

FRED:  "CAUSE THE TAD'S GONNA DROWN YOU! DROWN 'EM TIDE!!"

This is my plea:  Please, please don't be this person.  Act like you've been there before.  Pretend like you have class, and don't just talk about it in Bryant quotes.  Be humble.  If not for yourself, than for the rest of us. 

You are embarrassing yourself, and embarrassing "us."  The team has worked incredibly hard to get back to the top, please don't ruin it for everyone by drawing attention to yourself. 

If you have something worthwhile to say, by all means, call in and voice your opinion.  If you are unsure about calling in, try thinking quietly to yourself about what you are going to say.

If it involves the words "woodshed" or "mud-ditch" or "kill" or "stomp" or involves you forcefully putting an object into someone's body cavity, try and rephrase.  You'll be glad you did.  "We'll" be glad you did.  Thank you for your time.

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