Saturday College Football Intrigue: Why to Kill Brain Cells for 13 Hours

A simple argument for a stationary Saturday full of calories and as little productivity as possible:

12:00 ET

1. Penn State has scored 12.5 ppg against FBS teams this season. A few minutes of talented players being held hostage will mostly just make you feel better about your own team. Worthwhile. 

2. At one point, San Diego State RB Ronnie Hillman will be on-screen with just grass (well, FieldTurf) and one or two Michigan players not quite getting there. You guys with The Mtn know exactly what I'm talking about. Hello? Anyone?

3. It's been against nobody in particular, but Georgia Tech's scored 57.5 ppg against FBS teams and has done so behind guys named Tevin, Orwin and Synjyn.  This doesn't actually mean anything, I just wanted to type their names and chuckle. They play a UNC team that probably has three first rounders in their front seven. Feels like an athletic affair.  

4. If Tommy Rees is your Notre Dame starter for the rest of his time in beautiful South Bend, IN, he should light up the Pitt secondary to the point where you'll swear you're hearing jackpot noises in the back of your head at some point. Michael Floyd will probably run into the end zone backwards holding the ball just out of reach of some poor Panther. Just because. 

12:20 ET

5. Will Georgia RB Isaiah Crowell put up his first DeuceHundy©  in front of attractive Southerners full of pimento finger sandwiches? For the sake of Houston Nutt reaction shots, let's assume yes. 

12:30 ET

6. Maryland's wearing this against Temple's Dr. Bernard Pierce and Stone Cold Steve Addazio as they continue to unveil their revolutionary Bubble Offense. 

1:00 ET

7. Boston College might win a game. I've been thinking on this for awhile and I've determined that the appeal of this game is solely to see if Luke Kuechly can out-tackle the total points BC scores vs. UMass.  

3:30 ET

8. Clemson coach Dabo Swinney appears to be constantly on the verge of a traumatic health event. On the other side, probable FSU starting QB Clint Trickett is physically built like he appeared on a particularly successful episode of MTV's Made. 

9. Watch Colorado—Ohio State and try to avoid picturing Buckeye coach Luke Fickell as the end result of a Rob Riggle/Adam Sandler genetic experiment that went completely right. I dare you. 

(Oh and tune in to feel bad for Ohio St TE Jake Stoneburner.)

10. It should be noted that as Kansas State's Arthur and Bryce Brown return to Miami (Arthur was a Cane, Bryce a longtime verbal commitment), that their former embattled trainer Brian Butler is clearly a PR genius. Actually, Arthur has been pretty good (against nobody in particular), but Bryce Brown's time has been marred by injury and general indifference. Woo. 

And pay actual attention to Miami RB Lamar Miller, who's as good as we were told Bryce Brown would be. 

11. Washington QB Keith Price either already is or will clearly be better than Jake Locker shortly. Husky RB Chris Polk is the best RB you've only kind of heard of. Also, take time to reminisce about when Cal was coached by Jeff Tedford. Oh wait.

12. Oregon State WR James Rodgers returns against UCLA after two major knee surgeries. Tune in to feel bad for him for a few seconds, but not too long—Beaver/Bruin stink is much more potent than you think.  

13. Don't be fooled by the crowd, the Oklahoma State game falls on Kyle Field's annual Insufferable Bro Day. Otherwise, Justin Blackmon is always reason enough to watch a Cowboy game. 

7:00 ET 

14. Replace "Ronnie Hillman" and "Michigan" from item No. 2 with "Chris Rainey" and "Kentucky."

15. Texas Tech QB Seth Doege may throw for 600 yards against a Nevada defense importing defensive backs from … somewhere that doesn't produce very good defensive backs. Can't win 'em all. 

16. Root for Vanderbilt to beat South Carolina, it's much more fun that way. Also, root for Gamecock RB Marcus Lattimore to get occasional plays off before his ACLs turn to sawdust.

17. Rice made Texas QB Garrett Gilbert look decent enough in the pocket. If Fox's cameras can push in closely enough, Baylor QB Robert Griffin III might smile right before throwing most of his passes. Fun. 

7:30 ET

18. I don't know much about Wyoming, but I know Nebraska tends to play down to their opponent's level early and that Cowboy home games are played at an unusually high altitude in Laramie, WY. Oh and beer trucks exist there or something. Somebody fill me in.  

8:00 ET

19. No matter what happens in the LSU—West Virginia game in Morgantown, riot officers with shields will probably be deployed for something. Anything. Watch it.

20. Missouri's been garbage-y against the pass early on and Oklahoma WR Ryan Broyles rather enjoys the first part of this sentence. Also, don't stop rooting for walk-on Sooner RB Dominique Whaley, who has a combined 14 recruiting stars worth of backups behind him. 

10:15 ET

21. Of all the QBs who've thrived while losing seven straight FBS games, Arizona's Nick Foles is clearly top five. Actually, feel bad for Foles, he's quite good and has very little in the way of quality minds on the sideline. Also, Oregon is fast as anything and will enrage Tucson's most accurate bottle-throwing fans. 

22. USC QB Matt Barkley has a lot of young speed that is willing to make meaningful catches every once in awhile. Dennis Erickson will unknowingly wear his visor a little crooked and demand that his players come back to the sideline with some sort of internal organ trophy or not to come back at all. 

Dan Rubenstein co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast and can be followed on Twitter here.