The Wedding Vows of Football

I had an opportunity to attend a wedding this weekend. It wasn’t my first, and I am sure it won’t be my last. I am sure everyone reading this has been to a wedding or will be at one sometime in the near future.

Weddings sure are pretty amazing, aren’t they? The passion, the love, the laughter, and the tears all flow together into one single event. Much like something else I know.

It was a wonderful day.

I really got filled with all kinds of emotions when the bride and groom said their vows to one another. I then realized what I had to do. And as God as my witness, right there in the Church, I made him a promise. That night, I would go home and write my own vows to the love of my life.

Football.

As soon as I picked up that pen and paper, the words started flowing again. It was hard not to feel like Cinderella.

Here are my vows:

I, Kristin, take you, NFL football, to always spend Sundays with. I will always cancel brunches with girlfriends and continue making excuses to my Aunt Mae as to why I can’t help her with her tomato garden.

I promise never to cheat on you, but will live by my theory “look but cannot touch." Therefore, if you happen to have a game on a Saturday night, I might choose to watch a college football game over you. Get over it. You remember what it was like in college.

Plus, that way, I get to see what good things might be coming your way. Consider it “only wanting the best for you”.

I promise to accept 80 percent of you. I have tried to accept the other 20 percent, but quite frankly,  those other parts really have ticked me off. They’re so cocky and arrogant, always doing a dance after they’ve scored. You know what I am talking about. You better work on that.

I promise to never scream at you, unless you really mess up. The same mistakes get old, ya know. I don’t like too much holding and would appreciate it if you stayed on your side preferably 100 percent of the time.

If you continue to repeat these mistakes, it’s safe to say that I will continue to scream and yell and possibly throw a sharp object. And I am not talking about a raggedy little flag either.

I promise to be there for you, through sickness and in health. I prefer to be healthy, to be honest with you, and if I do get sick, I just may dump your ass for a boyfriend, but until then, you can count on me!

I promise to always compliment you, unless you rub me the wrong way. I prefer this to happen rarely, please. I am a real sweet little thing that will butter you up and make you feel like you are the best thing ever invented; however, I have my mother's temper, and I will always win.

I promise to always find you the most beautiful thing in the world. Of course, it would help if you consistently replayed the Wrangler commercial starring No. 4 or maybe some close-ups of Tom making eyes at me. But hey, if all you got is the Manning brothers, I’ll take 'em! Humor always melts my heart anyways.

I promise to always stay fit and trim for you. However, I cannot help it if you cause me to mouth down Twinkies 20 at a time due to 3rd-and-15's and 4th-and-goal with three seconds on the clock. Was that a lot of numbers for you? I hope not, cause you continue to give me these kind of numbers, just wait and see the results of mine.

I promise to always listen to you, although you'll have to explain to me what "Green 72 9 Cali Red Seven Red Seven" means. Why you always screaming things like that?

Communication is the key, you know...

Last, but not least, I promise to be the best fan I can be, unless you really upset me. Then it’s back to my threats about giving you up for good and getting to know my tomatoes better.

And I forgot to mention. I said that wedding was a wonderful day. I lied. It was on a Sunday, and I missed Brett taking down the Titans. I missed Matt throwing four hundred yards. I missed Tony’s first game back. I missed the most important thing of my life on Sundays.

I missed you.