In a shocking turn of events sure to shake up the college football world, it has been revealed that Big Elev ... er, Big Ten + ... er, Big Ten Commissioner James Edward Delany is not only a robot, but in fact Hal from Arthur C. Clarke's 2001: A Space Odyssey.
It has long been believed that Delany was unlikely to possess human organs, specifically a brain, but new evidence released by NASA today shows that the famous science-fiction robot is less fictional than everyone thought. His motives, like Hal, seem to be self-serving, but he insists he is doing what is best for all fans of college football, because he clearly knows better than them what they want.
When questioned, Delany tersely responded, "I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do. Problems with the BCS system? It can only be attributable to human error."
When pressed further about the fact that there seems to be a clear need for a playoff system, Delany's eyes twitched as he calmly but firmly claimed, "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it."
Though in the movie 2001, Hal claims to have been built in Urbana, Illinois, it appears that this was a ruse for a bigger project elsewhere in the state.
New evidence has come to light indicating that Mr. Delany was formed deep in the bowels underneath the football stadium at the University of Chicago, once a member of the Big Ten before deciding that it wasn't worth arguing with Michigan State about quantum physics, nuclear fission, Division I athletics, or a spot in the conference.
Delany's reputed creator, long-time University of Chicago President (Emerita) Hanna Gray, states that the "Greed Module," which was originally intended to help Delany protect himself, seems to have, "run freaking amok."
"He came from the bowels of this University, and he needs to go back," stated a clearly frustrated Mrs. Gray.
"And I really should have thought ahead before incorporating the word 'playoff' in his self-destruct mechanism. I mean, you should see the sparks fly off his annoying little robotic head when someone brings it up these days. It can't come to a good conclusion. Well, for him, anyway."
Even more frustrating for fans of a playoff system, there is new speculation that retiring Pac-10 Commissioner Tom Hansen may have actually been Johnny-Five from the 1980s Short Circuit films. This led many to believe he simply didn't have the attention span to do anything but agree with Delany.
Gray denies being involved in his creation but mentions that there was "a really funny smell underneath the Rose Bowl the last time I was there. It smelled like burnt integrity or slightly toasted ethics."
And the replacement for Hansen? Well, it's not looking very promising, as effeminate Star Wars golden boy, "C-3PO," is rumored to be in the running. He's well-known for serving the whims of his master, and in an off-camera interview once stated, "Jim Delany's kind of cute. I'd be pretty happy helping him continue to ruin college football. Does anyone know if the New Jersey Institute of Technology would be willing to play every Big Ten school next season?"
If you've seen 2001, then you know that it's time to sing "Daisy".
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