In a shocking turn of events sure to shake up the college football world, it has been revealed that Big Elev ... er, Big Ten + ... er, Big Ten Commissioner James Edward Delany is not only a robot, but in fact Hal from Arthur C. Clarke's 2001: A Space Odyssey.
It has long been believed that Delany was unlikely to possess human organs, specifically a brain, but new evidence released by NASA today shows that the famous science-fiction robot is less fictional than everyone thought. His motives, like Hal, seem to be self-serving, but he insists he is doing what is best for all fans of college football, because he clearly knows better than them what they want.
When questioned, Delany tersely responded, "I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do. Problems with the BCS system? It can only be attributable to human error."
When pressed further about the fact that there seems to be a clear need for a playoff system, Delany's eyes twitched as he calmly but firmly claimed, "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it."
Though in the movie 2001, Hal claims to have been built in Urbana, Illinois, it appears that this was a ruse for a bigger project elsewhere in the state.
New evidence has come to light indicating that Mr. Delany was formed deep in the bowels underneath the football stadium at the University of Chicago, once a member of the Big Ten before deciding that it wasn't worth arguing with Michigan State about quantum physics, nuclear fission, Division I athletics, or a spot in the conference.
Delany's reputed creator, long-time University of Chicago President (Emerita) Hanna Gray, states that the "Greed Module," which was originally intended to help Delany protect himself, seems to have, "run freaking amok."
"He came from the bowels of this University, and he needs to go back," stated a clearly frustrated Mrs. Gray.
"And I really should have thought ahead before incorporating the word 'playoff' in his self-destruct mechanism. I mean, you should see the sparks fly off his annoying little robotic head when someone brings it up these days. It can't come to a good conclusion. Well, for him, anyway."
Even more frustrating for fans of a playoff system, there is new speculation that retiring Pac-10 Commissioner Tom Hansen may have actually been Johnny-Five from the 1980s Short Circuit films. This led many to believe he simply didn't have the attention span to do anything but agree with Delany.
Gray denies being involved in his creation but mentions that there was "a really funny smell underneath the Rose Bowl the last time I was there. It smelled like burnt integrity or slightly toasted ethics."
And the replacement for Hansen? Well, it's not looking very promising, as effeminate Star Wars golden boy, "C-3PO," is rumored to be in the running. He's well-known for serving the whims of his master, and in an off-camera interview once stated, "Jim Delany's kind of cute. I'd be pretty happy helping him continue to ruin college football. Does anyone know if the New Jersey Institute of Technology would be willing to play every Big Ten school next season?"
If you've seen 2001, then you know that it's time to sing "Daisy".
11 comments Last one added 7 months ago — Leave a Comment
Kevin McGuire 7 months ago
Jim needs to go. Change is needed. The Big Ten needs to add a 12th team and organize a true championship game in Chicago or something.
Edit Comment Cancel
Nathan B 7 months ago
Is Notre Dame the 12th team? Any other takers? =)
I have never met Mr. Delany, but he sure seems to be incredibly arrogant. And I loved his threat to take the Pac-10 and Big Ten and make them their own little football league if the conferences didn't keep the BCS system. He's running a sham and it's a matter of time before he's finally on the losing end of the unpopular system. He vows to defend the money that the Rose Bowl brings the Big 10 and Pac 10 to the bitter end ... but I'm sure he won't be thrilled to see neither of those conferences in the national championship picture unless a miracle occurs.
Edit Comment Cancel
Lou Vozza 7 months ago
I'm surprised you've only portrayed him as a robot. What happened to Satan himself?
The reason these guys are against a playoff is that they know that once they start one, they will have to let the 5 BCS conference champions participate. Naive "analysts" pretend a 8 or 16 team playoff without them would work, but it won't. The non-BCS confs will insist on their legal right to equal treatment in a playoff. That's what Delaney is really worried about in terms of money. The BCS conferences will have to share the playoff money.
Whether you know it or not, you playoff guys are advocating for a full 24 team playoff, with all 11 conf champs and 13 wild cards. That's the only system that will shut everyone up.
I don't give a hoot about how they distribute the money. I'm against a playoff because it would ruin the regular season. I don't want to trade 13 weeks of playoff atmosphere football for 3 weeks of real playoffs, even if it means we don't have the most satisfying conclusion every year.
Edit Comment Cancel
Nathan B 7 months ago
Satan's so overplayed. I figured cold and heartless would be strong enough, since I've never even met the guy. =) The road to a playoff may indeed be a slippery slope, but if Division I-AA can handle it, I'll bet the big guys can eventually work it out. There IS money to be had by all, once those responsible put their minds to it (especially since it means additional games).
I don't think it has to end up w/ a 24 team playoff; there's obviously plenty of unsatisfied "customers" at the moment (like nearly everyone but the Big 10 and Pac 10 commissioners, including Joe Paterno and Pete Caroll from their respective conferences, and about 90% of college football fans).
There will always be someone unhappy, but I'm sure it can be worked out to make more conferences and fans happy than currently are. Greed is a strong motivator and it is the principle obstacle to a playoff -- not the issues of structure. Dan Wetzel (Yahoo! sports) has written some thorough and well-researched articles on this particular issue.
Edit Comment Cancel
Lou Vozza 7 months ago
1-AA started their playoff with 4 teams. Next year they will expand from 18 to 20. That's how it always works. College basketball started with an 8 team tournament also. Look where they are now. With all the prestige and status in college football, it will actually start with 24 teams and expand to 32. At that point it won't be practical to go any further.
Playoff advocates always wish this away. They are like spoiled children who just have to see the top 4 or 5 teams play each other at the end and don't understand the unintended consequences of actually instituting any type of playoff.
The irony is that when the 24 or 32 team playoff starts, they will rarely see those 4 or 5 top teams play against each other at the end. They top seeds will constantly get upset by Cinderellas. In the 30 years that basketball has been seeding its tournament, the four regional one seeds have only all made it to the Final Four one time.
As screwy as it is, the BCS actually does a better job of matching the best teams up with each other at the end.
Edit Comment Cancel
gary printy 7 months ago
Lou,
Previous playoff evolutions are different in that they were not being created within the framework of one of the most prestigious legacies in sports. The only comparable tradition to the Bowls is the NIT in college basketball which only predated the NCAA tournament by one year. So while history does often repeat itself, this situation is different from the other NCAA tournaments in that if a playoff is created there is a great incentive to preserve the bowl tradition.
Creating a playoff that fits within the current bowl tradition is not as far fetched as it might seem. A 4 team plus one model fits so nicely in the current BCS that people assumed that was the end goal when a new championship bowl was added in 2006. An 8 team model as proposed by Obama could have the first round on college campuses and the second round in the bowls with the last game in the NCG. Even bigger models could work if teams played the first two rounds on college campuses and let the final two rounds run like a plus one.
Its pretty ridiculous to say that you have to start at 24 teams. the fact is there is no rule about where we start. its all a negotiation between the television networks, the BCS committee and the rest of the presidents.
I do agree with you that the biggest barrier to a playoff is the BCS conferences unwillingness to spread the wealth to all the other conferences. I personally think the viewership of a playoff would dwarf that of the current bowl season. upsets would be an interesting factor but the total number of viewers would have to go up due to the increased number of games if anything.
Edit Comment Cancel
Nathan B 7 months ago
A well-reasoned, thorough comment, gary. I have respect for Lou's position, though I disagree with him. But far smarter (and more knowledgeable) minds continue to hash this out behind closed doors, so I've left the details of the argument to others.
I'm not a big believer in slippery-slope arguments, but that's probably due to my very zealous bioethics / philosophy instructor when I was in college. =)
I was just hoping to bring a smile to the discussion and see if anyone understood my U of Chicago / Hanna Gray references (the first college I attended before transferring to UNC) ... she is a story all in herself.
Edit Comment Cancel
Lou Vozza 7 months ago
Gary and Nathan:
The 4 or 8 playoff won't expand because of some unspoken law of nature. It will expand because it won't resolve the basic absurdities and fairness issues of the current system. You can't have a fair mini-playoff in a 119 team league, especially with no draft mechanism to enforce a balance of power.
See my post below for more details:
http://bleacherreport.com/articles/82858-why-a-poll-based-eight-team-college-playoff-has-to-expand-to-a-24-team-playoff
Also, a slippery slope argument is perfectly valid if reasons and evidence are supplied as to why one step leads to the next. It is only fallacious if no reasons are given. I have provided a variety of reasons why a 4 team playoff would expand and I have also provided numerous examples from similar sports and leagues.
Edit Comment Cancel
Kevin McGuire 7 months ago
Notre Dame is the ideal choice for fans in the Big Ten but will the Irish ever really want to give up their exclusive contract with NBC? Or the possibility of earning a big pay day and keep all the money from a bowl (not having to split it with the rest of a conference)?
If Notre Dame is not to become a Big Ten team then the other schools on my short list would be Missouri, West Virginia, Syracuse and Kentucky.
Missouri would be the most ideal fit due to the location and culture. West Virginia solely based on location and it would give some juice to an old Penn State series (as well as add fuel to the fire with Michigan). Syracuse would bring in a key New York fan base. And Kentucky would be a long shot but would add significantly to the basketball scene (would be terrific if Kentucky basketball could get back on track though).
A twelfth team would absolutely be a win win for the conference, as the payday that would come from a Big Ten championship game would be huge!
Edit Comment Cancel
Nathan B 7 months ago
WVU vs. Penn State on a yearly basis ... or Missouri vs. Illinois (in any sport) ... sure sounds nice ...
They could be the Really Big 12 Conference and wouldn't have to sneak any additional #s into their logo ... LOL
Think of the Delany robot parts that would cease to function if they split into two conferences of six and had a playoff to determine the conference champ. ;-)
Edit Comment Cancel
Kevin McGuire 7 months ago
Why not gobble up the MAC and split the mega super duper conference into East and West.
Edit Comment Cancel
Leave a Comment
You must register to post a comment.