To: Phil Savage
Re: Angry Emailing
You know, I never realized GMs responded to emails. I sent Parcells one once, but he never responded. Maybe he didn't get it.
It's probably not a good idea to cuss out a fan in an email, regardless of what he said. I guess you don't read the paper in Cleveland, because that guy's not the only person saying bad things about you.
Romeo said that he thought it just slipped out, the bad word. Slipped out? Something slips out when you're speaking off the cuff to a sideline reporter. Things don't slip out when you sit down to write an email.
I understand it's tough in Cleveland this year—the dirty towels, Anderson's failure, expectations—but that's no excuse to send out dirty emails.
To: Chad Ocho Cinco-Johnson
Re: Settle this once and for all
Okay, we need to know for real—is it Johnson or Ocho Cinco?
What is your legal name? I'm not talking about your football persona either.
When you sign the check for the power bill, what does it say?
Is keeping the name unclear your way of protecting yourself? Giving yourself an out? Like when you're late for a team meeting, you can say, "Ocho Cinco was late. Chad Johnson is here."
Not a bad idea. However, we do need to clear this up. In the offseason, when you're traded, all the media outlets need to make sure they get the name right.
There's so much confusion on the Internet too. Your NFL player page says "Johnson," your Bengals profile says "Ocho Cinco," and your Wikipedia site redirects "Chad Johnson" to "Chad Ocho Cinco."
To: The San Diego Chargers
Re: What's happening?
Guess who was the worst pass defense in the league?
Yep, you guys.
Does Merriman really make that much difference?
The chainsaw-crank dance is cool and all, but is it so critical that you go from middle of the pack last year to absolute worst this year?
Cromartie was playing out of his mind last year, finishing up with 10 interceptions. This year he has two, and they came in one game.
How the mighty have fallen. Josh McDaniels, anyone?
To: Tennessee Titans offensive line
Re: Brian Pride
Guys, when I was little, I made balls of tape, too!
Although I never named mine, and they never grew to 80 pounds. Keep this up and you can replace the medicine ball.
I mean, he (yes, "he," the ball of tape does have a gender-specific reference—I know because Kevin Mawae referred to the ball as "he") just earned his own locker, with a nameplate. That's real commitment.
Who got cut to give him that locker? It sucks for that dude...the week before Thanksgiving, no less.
To: Brett Favre
You know, I might have to start a new email with you. I've been replying to the same "Eh" email I sent at the beginning of the season.
You've officially learned the playbook. Or maybe the playbook learned you, meaning the Jets' coaching staff met you halfway.
Peter King reported this week that while you were on the plane flying to New York to begin your time with the Jets, you suddenly had second thoughts and almost pulled out.
Well, that's at least consistent with your behavior up to that point.
I know there's still five games to play in the regular season, and you guys will surely have at least one in the postseason, but you might want to start thinking about next year.
Perhaps a New Year's resolution should be: "Be less wishy-washy."
This isn't Green Bay. J-E-T-S fans don't put up with that kind of thing. Just ask Doug Brien.
To: Santonio Holmes
That was some hit Chris Crocker put on you on Thursday night. You were more than a little shaky getting up.
I remember when I was about 14, we were playing football at my grandmother's house on Thanksgiving. It was probably about 28 degrees. My cousin Glenn, who was about 10 years older than me, leveled me.
Having the wind knocked out of you is bad enough, but having it gone when the air you're gasping for is 28 degrees really sucks.
It was nice of Big Ben to help you up. He's taken his share of shots too, so he was the right guy to be there for you.
I could read your lips: "Some weed would be nice right about now."
To: Terrell Owens
Re: I'll give this a try
Saw the interview with Neon. Did you realize you were wearing a Philly-green shirt with an eagle on it?
You're so much smarter than you get credit for. Go to the media and basically say, "Hey, if I get more work, we'll be better."
It doesn't seem to be working for the Auto Unions, but I might try it.
How does this sound? I'll post a video to YouTube with a message to CNNSI.
The message? "CNNSI, hire me immediately. I will take your NFL coverage to the next level."
I'll just ask for it. It worked for you, right? Christmas is right around the corner...this could be good.
To: Matt Cassel
Re: Matt Leinart's blackmail
Obviously Matt had something on you at USC. My, how the tables have turned, huh?
I'm sure you've realized this by now, but you are the first quarterback in Patriots history to throw 400-yard games back-to-back. What's Leinart doing out in Phoenix? Probably throwing a kegger.
I had a boss once say to me, when he would inform me of what my bonus payout would be, "Don't spend it before you get it."
That is my advice to you, Matt. Don't spend next year's money just yet.
To: Donovan McNabb
Re: Did you have soup on the sidelines?
The clapping on the sidelines was in support of Kolb, right?
Or were you trying to stay warm? It gets cold on the sidelines when you're not playing. I know you've never experienced that. Welcome to the world of the backup long snapper.
I have a realtor friend in Philly. He told me to ask you how much square footage you have in your home. I can give you his email if you need him in the offseason.
To: Brady Quinn
Re: Good effort
Oh man, you're trying so hard. Trying to play with a broken finger. Obviously you didn't take Tony's advice.
When it was announced you were playing with the injury, I'm sure the guys at the EAS nutrition office were high-fiving.
It didn't go so well though.
Derek Anderson told me to thank you. He didn't fare much better, but at least he knew that would be his last time on the field as a Brownie.
To: Adam Jones
Re: Let's try this
You know that show Cribs on MTV? Yeah, I like seeing how the other half live.
But you know, a lot of guys have all sorts of setups in their homes. Tommy Lee has the best. He's got Starbucks and his own club in the basement.
So there's my suggestion. Spend your remaining money building your own club at your home. You can also set up a McDonald's and a Target.
I would also consider a personal train line straight from your home to the Cowboys' practice facility.
Also, find strippers that make house calls.
One more thing: Hire a yeti to tell you no. They're easily the scariest being alive. Surely you won't try to fight back.
If the yeti isn't intimidating, you can use him for protection and hire Scott Boras to stay with you 24-7, because he can convince anyone to do anything.