Home for a Rest: The Pseudo-Athletic World of Federal Elections

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Home for a Rest: The Pseudo-Athletic World of Federal Elections

It's entirely possible that no one noticed, but it has been an awfully long time since this writer produced a column for Bleacher Report.

That's due to a combination of things, including a federal election, a big career move, and a lack of Internet access.

For those keeping score at home, I'm now covering the sports beat at The Clarion in Kindersley, Saskatchewan, which means I get to watch and report on a lot of good hockey.

But that's irrelevant to this article. The purpose of this piece is to prove that even as I was working countless hours on an election, I was remaining true to my sporting roots.

*cue Stephen Colbert voice*

I was busting my butt for you, B/R faithful. Here's how:

  • We won the opening face-off by nabbing the most desirable location for campaign headquarters right from under our opponent's nose, half an hour before he was going to sign the papers.
  • We scored the first goal by bringing the prime minister to P.E.I. at the end of the campaign's first week. Our candidate got an assist by giving a thank-you speech.
  • The first period ended on a very bad note when the federal agriculture minister got us into hot water by making inappropriate remarks about our opponent. We went to the dressing room down on the scoreboard.
  • After a rousing pep talk from our co-coaches (campaign managers) we decided to charge ahead and forget about the bad goals we allowed late in the first.
  • It seemed to work as none of the fans even mentioned the incident during the second period. But the game slowed down a bit as both teams started to get tired.
  • I threw a big hit in the second period when I uncovered very unflattering information about our opponent's speaking record in the House of Commons. But it didn't give my team quite the momentum boost I had hoped for.
  • We ended the second period behind on the scoreboard but poised to get our second wind and storm back in the third. The intermission analysts predicted a very close finish with more than a 50/50 chance of our side winning.
  • We started to mount a comeback early in the third period and the momentum kept building in the home stretch. The desperation in our opponent's camp became clear when Stephane Dion came to the Island and proclaimed that our opponent would become the new agriculture minister should their side win.
  • With the score tied, Dion's smack talk motivated us even more to bury that go-ahead goal in the final minutes, especially since our opponent was carrying a 15-year undefeated streak that we really wanted to break.

Sadly, we weren't quite as close in the end as the analysts had predicted. We came out on the short end by 924 votes, which stunned the media, announcers, team management, ourselves, and even our opponents.

It wasn't fun to be in the dressing room after the game. No yelling, just an awful lot of disappointment.

But hey, that's the way it goes in sports. You win some, you lose some. We'll win the next one.

Play ball!

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