The genesis of the UFFC (Ultimate Fictional Fighting Championship) can be found in the first kid who turned to his buddy and said “I’ll bet my dad would kick your dad’s ass.”
The desire to figure out who is the strongest is embedded in our primitive monkey DNA; we need to know who to follow.
And if you find yourself in a tree peeing on the heads of your fellow shaven monkeys, then you are him.
This speculation extends outside the prowess of our own pater familias into other realms of the fictional world.
What if Michael Jordan fought Kobe Bryant? What if Bruce Lee fought the Knicks? Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and a lion (easy one there—lions only exist because Chuck has allowed them to).
In the fictional fighting world we can wage these epic battles. The UFFC kicks off with two iconic warriors from the 1980s. Without further ado, I give you UFFC 1: Daniel LaRusso vs. A.C. Slater.
LaRusso practices Miyagi Do Karate mixed with a few lessons at the YMCA, and what he could pick up from a book.
Miyagi’s style of karate was brought to Okinawa by Mr. Miyagi’s ancestors and can only be learned by tricking the student into physical labor. Doing it topless was Mr. Miyagi’s idea and Daniel “San” was glad to oblige.
Mr. Miyagi, a top-notch corner man and coach, was forced to leave his native land after being put in the sex offender’s registry.
Finishing moves: Crane Kick, Drum Technique and some weird dance fighting that they had to do in Part III when Ralph Macchio was too fat to kick.
A.C. Slater is a wrestler all the way. He uses powerful grappling, as well as his knowledge of ballet to both confound his opponents and take their breath away. A.C. isn’t much of a striker, but employs strong takedowns and slams.
Finishing moves: “The Erotic Ground and Pound,” and the “Preppy Punisher.”
Daniel LaRusso is a veteran of tournament karate and a two-time winner of the All Valley Championship (which was later bought out by the UFC) as well as one Okinawan death match. He has a ton of experience and any damage he receives can be healed by the gentle touch of Miyagi.
Signature Wins: Johnny Lawrence, Chozen and Mike “Bad Boy “ Barnes.
A.C. Slater was captain of the Bayside wrestling team and went on to get a full scholarship to wrestle at Cal U. He also has one fight against Zach “Preppy” Morris in which Slater quickly mounted the overmatched Morris after being knocked down by a sucker punch hook.
Signature Wins: 54 Division I collegiate wrestling victories and one decision over Zach Morris.
Vicious strikes, veteran savvy and a harem of women which includes a blonde, Asian and redhead. He also has Miyagi, the mystery of the Orient and a cool old car that gets roughly four miles to the gallon (good call in Southern California). He’s also got mad focus, balance and can snatch a fly out of the air with chopsticks.
Poor takedown defense, which was evidenced by his girlfriend Ali nearly taking him down after he won his first title. His only other weakness is his undying love of Mr. Miyagi, for whom he once scaled down the side of a cliff just to retrieve his favorite bonsai. Now that’s love.
Powerful grappling, merciless ground-and-pound, distracts his opponents with his dimples. Very hard to submit by choke due to his jheri-curl mullet, which he keeps freshly oiled at all times. He is also very comfortable in tights and in the grasp of another sweaty man.
His jaw is suspect after being dropped by Zach Morris and he is known to be indecisive, often switching stance mid-fight, or even foolishly deciding he likes Jessie more than Kelly.
In battles between elite wrestlers and strikers, the wrestlers usually win, but not this time.
LaRusso just has too much experience for the untested Slater, who is still trying to get his confidence back after ending up with the ugliest chick on Saved by the Bell.
LaRusso also has a huge advantage in his corner with the wisdom and healing hands of Mr. Miyagi, while Slater only has Screech and Mr. Belding, whom he hires out of pity.
There was also word from the Slater camp that A.C. was distracted by news that his longtime friend Zach Morris was killed in a DUI accident after a toga party. (If you got that joke, you’ve watched too much TV.)
My prediction is that LaRusso slowly picks A.C. apart, avoiding his takedowns, dimples and steely gaze long enough to finish him by TKO in the second round after asking Slater “Live or die, man?” and then honking his nose like a clown as an aroused Miyagi looks on, barely able to contain the grin spreading across his elated face.
LaRusso shows mercy by allowing Slater to tap out instead of killing him with a single karate chop, which he could have easily done.
Come back for UFFC 2: Steven Seagal vs. Jean Claude Van Damme.