In an unprecedented move of stupidity and desperation, Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, has decided to force head coach Rick Carlisle to wear his hair like Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.
“Right now, Rick just doesn’t have the attention of the players, and it’s reflected in our bad record,” said Cuban, while writing the script for the comeback episode of his awful reality show The Benefactor. “So, I’ve done what any irrational meddling owner would do; I’ve decided to threaten Rick with his job if he doesn’t do his hair like Ace Ventura. I mean, the guy looks exactly like Jim Carrey.”
Coach Carlisle agrees with Cuban’s highly unorthodox motivational tactic.
“It’s pretty simple, really. I’m surprised I didn’t try this in Indiana when I had all those MMA fighters dressed as NBA players on my team,” said Carlisle, while trying on Hawaiian shirts with wife beaters underneath in his office. “Obviously the players weren’t interested in what I had to say to them before; this should help get their attention.”
When asked what they thought of the move, the Mavs players responded basically as expected.
“Yeah, I heard about the move. I’m not really surprised”, said forward Dirk Nowitzki, while applying makeup in his locker. “I mean, look who Cuban put onto our roster. I’m used to his idiotic moves.”
Forward/stoner Josh Howard seemed a little more enthusiastic about the switch of Carlisle’s “do.”
“Hell yeah, man!” yelled Howard as he burst into the Dallas locker room in a bright yellow suit with a green mask. “Somebody stop me! SMOKIN!!!!!!”
American Airlines Center security then swarmed Howard and wrestled him to the ground, where he was cuffed and promptly removed from the scene.
“We apologize to Mr. Howard for reacting the way we did when we arrested him on site,” said AAC Head of Security, Morty McJohnson. “How were we supposed to know he was joking? The guy admitted to smoking reefer on a live radio show; we figured he was on all sorts of drugs. At least get the movie reference right next time.”
David Stern, NBA Commissioner and longtime best friend of Cuban, did not seem too pleased with the news.
“This one pretty much violates every dress code and hygiene rule in the NBA rule book,” said Stern, while calculating the huge fine that he would be levying in the very near future. “We have no reason to believe any other team will stoop to something like this. This is just one rogue, isolated idiot.”
In injury news, Dallas guard Jason Terry, sometimes referred to as "The Jet," was injured Sunday at New York when he made a crash landing on the runway. He is out indefinitely.