Hello, once again Bleachers. It is I, Deron Butler. It's back to school and you know what that means: teachers, new looks, and homework. But fear not.
I've made a slideshow comparing current WWE superstars to some of history's most notable figures. Some you will agree with me, others may not. And with that said, I will begin this slideshow.
Ruthless, macabre, and highly feared.
These words are synonmyous with The Undertaker. Those same words also go hand in hand with the infamous Romanian ruler, Vlad Tepes Dracul, otherwise known as Vlad the Impaler.
We all know that The Undertaker is highly revered and that he is undefeated at WrestleMania, conquering 19 souls. We also know that Vlad had a number of people executed by his favorite method, impalement.
It should be also mentioned that The Undertaker has his own mythology chronicled in a book written by Mary Ellen Acevedo called "The Mystic Phenom," whereas Vlad brought inspiration for Bram Stoker's iconic novel, "Dracula".
Undertaker is both judge and jury in "wrestler court," and no wrestler wants to face him. Ever. Vlad was judge, jury, and executioner as well. Simple as that.
This is perhaps the strangest comparison between a WWE Superstar and a historical figure.
Christian wasnts to be World Heavyweight Champion again and wants to rule Smackdown! Louis XIV, on the other hand, was king of France and the poster child of Absolutism.
Christian would probably say something like "I am Smackdown!" much like how Louis XIV said "L'etat, C'est Moi," which means, I am the state. Louis XIV is known as the Sun King. Christian will bask in the sun once more as World Champion, if he can get there again.
John Cena is the face of the WWE, a Superman, a conqueror. Two of the three titles match Cena perfectly but who else also carries the title of "Conqueror"? William the Conqueror, that's who.
John Cena's victory at WrestleMania 21 invoked William the Conqueror's Battle of Hastings. Cena is one of the winningest wrestlers in a long time, while William the Conqueror violently claimed and defended the throne of England.
It was a tough choice between Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara on who should be compared to the Aztec ruler Montezuma, but you'll see why I did this.
If you've ever seen WrestleMania 22, in which Rey won the World Title, he wore a traditional Aztec outfit which reminded me of said Aztec ruler.
Montezuma ruled over a massive Aztec empire. Rey Mysterio rules over a large fanbase within the WWE Universe.
If you're wondering why I am comparing The Miz to Alexander the Great, let me fill you in.
We all know that The Miz says he's awesome. Alexander was not only awesome and great, but he never had to say that he was.
Miz and Alexander are both charismatic, like to crush their foes and always want to be in the spotlight. They are both celebrities in their own right, and would flaunt it in your face if they could.
Alberto Del Rio claims to have his bloodline linked to the kings and queens of Spain. That can also be (somewhat) said of Hernan Cortes.
We all know of the rivalry between ADR and Rey Mysterio, and Cortes and Montezuma literally went to war against each other. No surprise there. Alberto Del Rio lavishes himself in fancy things, while Cortes did the same after conquering the Aztecs.
Many people will say that this is a coincidence, but it goes hand in hand that if Rey is Montezuma, Del Rio must be Hernan Cortes.
Randy Orton and Attila The Hun have a lot in common.
They are both psychotic, barbaric, and completely relentless.
Ironically, both men are praised as heroes. Attila is a legend in Hungary, while Randy Orton is just the same in the WWE Universe.
If Attila the Hun were a wrestler, he'd be Randy Orton.
When Mark Henry made the jump from RAW to Smackdown!, everyone thought he would be the same jolly strongman that made us smile. But low and behold, he went on to terrorize the Blue Kingdom.
This is reminiscent of Ivan the Terrible.
Both men are tyrannical and bloodthirsty in their never-ending quests to be revered. Mark Henry is definitely the Ivan the Terrible of Smackdown! and has everyone cowering in fear.
Who loves America more than The Rock?
The Rock is great example of patriotism, just like George Washington. He is the people's champ and on top of that, a die-hard American. George Washington was the father of this nation, and the two kind of go hand in hand.
The Rock is proud to be an American. This requires no more evidence than the fact that he's going to be in the next G.I. Joe film. He will make American proud, much like George Washington did.
Have I mentioned that they are both bona fide American heroes?
It was a tough choice to choose which historical figure fits CM Punk. I narrowed my selection down to either Guy Fawkes or Girolamo Savonarola.
Either man can fit CM Punk, but I chose Savonarola because he was controversial and a firey speaker that could look into a man's soul. The same can be said for Punk when he made that now famous (or infamous) promo a month back.
It was like Punk was seeing into the WWE's soul.
While Savonarola was excommunicated killed for criticizing the pope, CM Punk made WWE History when he captured the WWE Championship and ushered in the Reality Era in WWE.
If you are still wondering who Girolamo Savonarola is, I suggest you look him up.
Evan Bourne is a genius is in the ring. Leonardo Da Vinci is perhaps the most influential genius of all time.
Evan Bourne mastered the art of flying, while Leonardo Da Vinci was already making blueprints on how to fly 500 years ago. Evan Bourne is quick on his feet, while Leonardo is a quick thinker, inventor, and engineer.
Both men are jacks of their trades and are highly notable. Expect Evan Bourne to be the centerpiece of the soon-to-be-revived Cruiserweight division, much like Leonardo's Mona Lisa is the centerpiece of the Louvre museum in Paris, France.
Remember when I said that The Rock loves America more than the next guy? Well, he isn't the only one, as "The All American American" Jack Swagger likes to think.
And much like The Rock, I've also linked Swagger to a President: "The Rough Rider" himself, Teddy Roosevelt.
Roosevelt had bad asthma and poor vision but still managed to overcome the Spanish in the battle of San Juan Hill. We all know about Swagger's lisp, but that didn't stop him from notching 30 pins in a single season during his collegiate career and later winning the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.
Will we Swagger in the World or WWE Title hunt? Maybe. But it will take a lot more than Vickie Guerrero to make Swagger "bully" his way into the main event scene once more.
See what I did there?
Who better for Drew McIntyre to be linked with historically than William Wallace? This one was a no-brainer.
McIntyre was handpicked by Vince McMahon to become the next World Champion. WilliamWallace was chosen lead the Scots in their fight against the British.
We all know how fiery McIntyre can be, but it seems like we're seeing less and less of that. Maybe if he drew some inspiration from Scotland's greatest hero, McIntyre could find himself being the next World Champ.
Kofi Kingston is perhaps the most charismatic WWE superstar that I've seen in ages.
Mansa Musa was the charismatic king of the Mali Empire, and Kofi hails from Ghana, a country which was part of the Mali Empire. I'm pretty sure that Kofi will one day be the king of the WWE after winning the World or WWE Championshi, much like Mansa Musa ruling over Timbuktu.