Is CB Dollaway Matt Damon's Cousin? 5 Thoughts After UFC on Versus 5
Regular Matt Damon
UFC on Versus 5 was in Milwaukee, also known as "The Paris of Wisconsin." This is proud cheese and beer country, a place where a man can eat a full pound of fried cheese curds as an appetizer without shame.
The blood alcohol level of the crowd is at "full" before the fight, and the drunken cheese-eating savages weren't disappointed. Here are five random thoughts on another great night of fights.
Life by the Drop
Do yourself a favor and listen to this
Ed Herman vs. Kyle Noke
Herman came out to “Life by the Drop” by Stevie Ray Vaughn, which was possibly the most pleasant surprise of the evening. Great tune.
If I were Herman, I would change my nickname from “Short Fuse” to “The Thermometer” because the redder he gets, the more he seems to dominate the fight.
This one culminated with The Thermometer a deep shade of crimson as he nearly ripped Noke’s foot off with a nasty heel hook.
Random note: Noke comes from Dubbo, Australia, which my Aussie friend told me is “The Alabama of Australia.” That made me laugh. The streets of Dubbo are weeping today.
Good Will Hunting in Full Mount
CB Dollaway vs. Jared Hamman
CB Dollaway looks like Matt Damon’s cousin.
Dollaway entered to “Highwayman” by Johnny Cash, which almost makes me feel bad about that Damon comment, especially since he and training partner Ryan “The Master” Bader are fellow Arizona State alumni.
Nice back and forth in the first with Matt Damon's cousin getting the best of it.
Hamman (which sounds like some kind of butcher superhero with a pig on his cape) came out in Round 2 and let his hands go all over Dollaway’s face, took him down and finished him brutally.
That was worse than Matt Damon’s full mount destruction of his childhood bully in Good Will Hunting.
Hamman is an exciting fighter and could be a force at 185.
Hamman thanked God (shocker) but Dollaway did not blame God for his loss, which would have been funny. God gets a lot of thanks but very little blame.
Just once I’d like to hear someone say, “I think I could have won if it hadn’t been for Jesus.”
You Crazy Cowboy You
Jake, watch out for the rear naked choke!
Donald Cerrone vs. Charles Oliveira
One thing I know for sure is that if I were a UFC fighter, I’d use the traditional Thai steel cup that Rogan is always on about.
In fact, if they had one made out of titanium I’d take that. Let’s just go with full body armor to be safe, or whatever they use on the space shuttle. Get NASA on it.
The Cowboy landed a wicked uppercut to the body not unlike something John Wayne might unleash.
I think the nickname Cowboy might have lost a little bit of its thunder after Brokeback Mountain, but it seems to be working as Cerrone dominated.
Oliveira got swarmed worse than Jake Gyllenhaal in that tent; he is definitely not a power bottom.
Cerrone should tweak his name a bit and add some crazy. The Crazy Cowboy would be better.
Monkeys and Savages
Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images
Ben Henderson vs. Jim Miller
Miller enters to Creedence. Creedence Clearwater Revival is underrated, and now it is time to find out if Miller is as well.
A win over Henderson probably puts him in line for a title shot.
Miller is looking monkey-like as usual. His nickname should be The Monkey. Henderson looks like he could run down a gazelle.
Henderson just whooped Miller for three rounds and made even more of a mess out of the lightweight division.
Henderson prays during the post-fight interview, not to God, but to Dana White (who is actually more powerful) to give his teammates a shot in the UFC, which was pretty cool.
One Last Heist
Like Danny Ocean, I suspect Lytle will be back....
Dan Hardy vs. Chris Lytle
Hardy gets the pre-fight cliché fest started by saying his “back is against the wall,” and Lytle counters with a “leave it all in the Octagon."
Lytle’s “one last fight” proclamation is about as believable as when you hear it said in a heist movie. Danny Ocean can’t retire, and I have a feeling Lytle won’t either.
The obligatory "USA USA!" chant starts in Round 1. We really need a new chant. Fans in other countries sing whole songs, so I am going to suggest we go with “This Land is Your Land” by Woody Guthrie. Either that, or just revert to "England Sucks, England Sucks!"
Lytle solidifies the England sucks contingency with a nice submission victory over Hardy, who just like Lytle, might be on his way out of the UFC.
If this was Lytle’s last fight, it was a good way to go out. Take that Redcoats!