Sports Bar: The Ultimate, Dream Tavern for a Diehard Sports Fan

In their illustrious 30-plus years on television, ESPN has come up with some great ideas (See: 30 for 30 documentaries, SportsCenter and televising insane amounts of sports), and they’ve had some not so good ones as well (See: Chris Berman being employed, Bassmasters and televising WNBA games.)

Lately they have begun to expand their digital footprint, riding the wave of Facebook addicts and social networking degenerates like myself like a surfer on a tsunami, and this has led to some cool online features. 

ESPN College Town is fun, or so I’m told, and ESPN has recently debuted a new online game that allows users to design their own “dream sports bar.”

This idea got me to thinking.  What would my dream sports bar look like?  I’m not talking about one that’s restricted within the politically correct constructs of a company that’s 80 percent owned by Disney or one that is even slightly connected to reality. 

What I’m going to write about, Ladies and Gentleman of Burnpoetry, is what my true dream bar would look like.

1.  The Floor Would Be Artificial Turf

Messy?  Sure.  Hard to keep taken care of?  Absolutely.  An awesome floor that would also help bar-goers avoid that pesky turf toe?  Definitely. 

On your way into the bar, there would be the “doormats” for people to wipe their feet on as well featuring the worst teams from each of the major college football conferences.  Hope you like dirty slush being rubbed all over your grills Baylor.

2.  Beer Mugs Shaped Like Sports Trophies

Every hockey player worth his playoff beard longs for the chance to drink some Labatt Blue from the mouth of the Stanley Cup.  While my bar would strictly prohibit the imbibing of Labatt, punishable by banishment, what I would encourage is for patrons to enjoy their Stanley Cup shaped, Orange Bowl-looking and up-ended Missouri-Nebraska Bell goblets.

I’m undecided, thus far on whether or not I want there to be skull-shaped goblets to drink out of if your team wins a particularly bloody battle.

3.  In-Bar Breathalyzers Provided Free of Charge

They will have customizable settings in which you either blow Stephen Garcia, Jared Allen, Hunter Teafatiller or Donte Stallworth.  Anyone blowing within 1.5 of a Tony La Russa will be forced to take a free shuttle service home. 

The service, funded entirely by a secret clause in Kirk Ferentz’s contract that even he doesn’t know about (*Author’s Note: c’mon.  It’s not like he’s earning that $4.5 million a year, right?), will provide a free limo service home for those who are too intoxicated to drive.

4.  A Karaoke Play-By-Play and Color Commentary Contest

Instead of singing along to a popular Journey song or mangling one of 10,000,000,000,000 Garth Brooks songs about drinking , the patrons of the bar will be encouraged to enter into a weekly contest that allows them to make the calls for the highlight package of their choice. 

Swearing, Berman-bashing impressions and general wild discourse will be greatly encouraged.

5.  Two Treadmills with Padding Set Up Behind and Directly to the Sides of the Running Strip

Tired of drinking Bud Select 55s and not getting the slimming results or the supermodels hanging on you like you’re Derek Jeter, like the ads promised you?  

Does your mouthy bar buddy still claim that he could “whip your ass” in a race? 

Feel like attempting the bar record for stationary beer mile? 

That’s where the treadmills and the subsequent padding for all the complete disasters that would ensue, come in.

6.  X-box 360s and PS3s Equipped With the Latest Versions of Madden, NCAA Football and Basketball and NBA 2k Whatever

When anyone standard dude gets two to three beers in them, the instantly morph into  the single greatest video gamer of all time.  Get four to five beers in a standard dude and he’s suddenly the Muhammad Ali of any game you can play and he will challenge your manhood directly to your face if you disagree. 

In come the free, sign-up operated video games with Plasma HD Big Screens attached to each.  The only requirement is that you drink a beer per quarter per man.

7.  If You Can Name Your Team’s Third String Quarterback You get a Free Shot

Of Barton’s.  Free is free, son.

8.  Behind the Bar, In an Empty Lot There Will be 40 yards of Marked Astroturf and a Professional-Sized Field Goal

If at any time some blowhard pounding down Coors Lights next to you at the bar keeps shouting, “Hell, I could run the 40 faster than that guy.”  Or, “Shi-at, I could’ve made that field goal.” 

You can hit a big red button at the end of the bar that will be labeled, “I’m calling bullshit!” which will immediately pause and/or shut down the music, TV, and video games and sound a buzzer. 

That same blowhard will then be escorted by the bouncers (*Author’s Note: The bouncers will be the freshly work-released Thunder Collins and heavily sedated to avoid psychopathic breaks Lawrence Phillips) out onto the field where he will be required to either outrun the fastest recorded 40 time by said player or make a field goal from the same distance as the dissed kicker.

If the blowhard misses, he will be promptly be given a Ryan Leaf jersey of shame and escorted from the premises.

9.  There Will Be Skirt Wearing Waitresses Serving Drinks for Every Touchdown the Huskers Score. . .

Their names will be Bill Callahan, Jim Tressel (*Author’s note: sporting a skimped up version of a sweater vest) and Lane Kiffin. 

By the time the bar’s built, they’ll all be in need of jobs.  Verbal harassment encouraged.