The Super Bowl media hoopla is already coming on strong. With all the experts these days, it’s hard to tell who to listen to.
Chris Berman or Chris Carter? Mike or Mike?
Well, in my quest this week to find a pair of Super Bowl tickets at face value, I ran across two guys in the men’s room who helped shed some light on just what it’s going to take to win this over-hyped game of games.
These guys are professional sports commentators, and I promised not to use their names because they want to spew the same tripe all over your screen come Super Sunday.
For now, let’s call them Moe and Curly.
Oh yeah, you may be wondering why these guys would let me interview them?
It was my disguise. I came off as a drunk, unshaven, crazed sports fan dressed in a five hundred dollar authentic jersey and a draft-day fitted cap, who thought he could find scalped Super Bowl tickets at face value in an arena urinal.
Me: So, guys. What’s it gonna take to win the big game this year?
Moe: Well, you wanna go first, Curls?
Curly: Naw, ga head.
Moe: You sure? Cause you could—
Curly: Jes friggin’ go!
Moe: Ok, ok. Curly’s for the Giants, by the way.
Me: (burps) Who are you for?
Moe: Anything New England. We’re due.
Me: Excuse me?
Curly: Oh God, here we go—
Me: Haven’t you won enough already?
Curly: You tell him.
Moe: After what we been through. It’s never enough. We want it all baby!
Curly: And what, pray tell, have you been through?
Moe: We have suffered, baby. Suffered!
Curly: You’ve suffered. Like what? A war?
Moe: Worse than war! My grandmother, rest her soul, had to hang on another ten years cause she had to wait for a championship.
Me: I hardly think that’s like suffering war—
Curly: You wanna know who has suffered mister interview man? I’ll tell ya. Us! We’ve had to listen to these Northern wharf rats whine and whine about never getting invited to the party, and when they finally do, they eat all the cheese!
Moe: What can I say? We’re hungry.
Me: Gentlemen, do you think we can get back to—
Curly: Alright, alright. Cool your jets, kid. You wanna know what it’s gonna take for my Giants to beat the Pats? Points.
Curly: Exactly. The Giants are gonna have to score more points than those Bean-town boys.
Me: Isn’t that kind of obvious?
Moe: And on the flip side, the Pats are gonna have to limit the amount of points the Gnats put on the board.
Curly: It’s Giants. You dropped the ‘i’ and flipped the ‘n’ and ‘a’ again.
Moe: Did I? Didn’t mean it.
Curly: You do it a lot, Moe.
Moe: What can I say? That’s what so much champagne does to the brain. Anyway, to answer your question kid, the team that scores the most points—
Curly: And limits the other team’s scoring opportunities—
Moe: Well said, Curls. THAT is the team that’s gonna win the game this Sunday.
Me: (barfs into urinal trough) What a revelation. I should have known that’s what you’d say, since that is all you guys are ever really saying underneath all the mumbo-jumbo.
Curly: You want a beatin’?