If you want a Super Bowl that everyone will remember, I have it for you.
This is more of a Surreal Life meets circus freak show meets all-time Pro-Bowlers, but this my friends truly would be a bowl in which the word Super is appropriate.
Let's start by casting a man for the position everybody knows to be of the most importance: quarterback. I'm going to pencil in John Elway. Not for his remarkable play over his career, nor "the drive," nor his leaving the game following two consecutive Super Bowl championships.
We are placing him there for being the face of the Denver Broncos for all those years and literally having the face of a Bronco as well. Yes that's right, our quarterback is named our starter for having horse-sized chops and facial features that look just like the horse on the side of his helmet. That's a taste of how this is going to work.
Shannon Sharpe will also be named at tight end for the very same reason.
Now we need a running back who will kill any opposing defense he goes up against. Yes, you guessed it, who better then "the juice" OJ Simpson. We all know the resume speaks for itself and he definitely seems to be qualified.
If we were going to need a second hit man for hire, Ray Carruth (also known as "Da-troof," which almost got him in by itself) will be named as a reserve to come off the bench at wide receiver.
Our starter at the wide receiver position though will be Terrell Owens. Anybody who can create a media frenzy for doing some sit-ups in his driveway, as well as questioning the sexuality of the quarterback who tosses him the pigskin regularly gets points in the surreal life category. The recent crying in regards to people "blaming his quarterback" gives him some extra credit, not to mention a possible diagnosis of being bipolar as well.
We are only going to name one lineman outright to start on our offensive and defensive lines. They will be the leaders of whatever degenerates we choose to name at a later date.
Our leader of the offensive line will be Tank Johnson. Mr. Johnson was arrested three times in an 18 month period involving weapons charges and one nightclub scuffle ended in his bodyguard's demise. We could find nobody better to lead the task of protecting our horse faced gunslinger.
Now on the defensive side of the ball our team certainly doesn't lack the worthiness of participating in this game. Starting with the leader of our big boys up front we have Alonzo Spellman. Once with the Detroit Lions, Spellman, according to officials, single-handily caused a plane to make an emergency landing after yelling about the possibility of a crash, threatening to smash a flight attendant's head with the stud of his boot and told the pilot he was going to "Rip his throat out" causing him to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital upon landing. Peel that straight jacket off pal, we got the perfect game for you.
At Linebacker we are rolling with a couple guys who surely won't disappoint. Lawrence Taylor has agreed to quit blazing down rocks long enough to get this game in and Ray Lewis almost guarantee's "killer" play to stop the run, or a pulse if need be.
Pacman Jones will be our boy "raining" (the way he makes it) on the parade of any wide receivers who line up against him. If somehow he gets beat on the long ball we got a safety who is sure to step up as our savior in the scumbag department if "rainman" cannot.
Eugene Robinson, who played for the Falcons in the '99 Super Bowl at safety, was granted the Bart Starr award for his "high moral character" the same year. How did that do-gooder make our team you may ask? Well the very night he was given this award by a well known Christian group he was arrested for offering a female police officer 40 bucks for sex. That a boy big spender! Welcome to the team!
Last but not least we searched high and low for a kicker worthy of playing in a game of this magnitude and we found him. Sebastian Janikowski was convicted of drunk-driving and bar room brawls, which is what began considerations, but that's not how he firmly planted himself into the starting role. It was discovered that he was acquitted of the charge of attempting to bribe a police officer and possession of the date-rape drug GHB. No other kicker seemed worthy to kick in this game after we learned that. Welcome Sebastian,glad to have you.
We have some time until kickoff so if anybody has a player they feel worthy of participation in this game feel free to throw them out there for consideration. Make sure you include why this player is worthy and they just may get there name called in this special game.