NFL News: Atlanta Falcons Settle for 592nd Coaching Choice

The Atlanta Falcons, reputedly of the National Football League, announced Mike Smith as their Head Coach, and said they couldn't be happier with their 592nd choice.

Falcons owner Arthur Blank explained the Search Process:

"First, we offered the job to every head coach, current or former, and they all turned us down. Then, we offered it to every assistant, living or dead, and after they all refused, every coordinator in the league, or the Arena Football League, or NFL Europe.

"Then we went through the ranks of the college football, from Fordham to Slippery Rock, and they all said no, so we asked anyone who ever played football at any level, from Pee-Wee to High School. Not one of them was interested.

"Next we aggressively went after the kid with the orange cone flashlight who parks cars and a couple of the regular ticket scalpers. We actually had one guy here for a day, by the name of Sampson Delicious, but he turned out to be a homeless crack addict. Plus, he preferred a spread offense while we want to go with a pounding running game.

Smith, formerly of the Jacksonville Jaguars, said he was thrilled with the opportunity and wanted to know why everyone at the press conference was snickering, if he had mustard on his tie, etc.—"but we re-grouped ourselves and said, 'Oh no, this a grrreeeat job!'" giggled the obnoxious Skip Bayless of the Dallas Times. 

Coach Smith also mentioned his wife had been married 19 times before but said he was the best lover, and by far.

Not all the players were impressed.

According to Alge Crumpler, the team's All-Pro tight end, "Coach Delicious was funny; he'd be bugging out hitting a crack stem and his eyes would get all big and he'd get totally paranoid and forget where he was and he'd puke and hide in his office for hours at a time, but he was still better than Bobby Petrino."