Well I decided to go back to what semi-works. Let's all welcome back "We Have Bigger Issues." If you are not familiar with this series, basically I stray away from the major pro wrestling newswires and look at the obscure and then provide my "expert" analysis. Without further ado, let's get the ball rolling.
Face it, we are all sick of hearing about CM Punk, Cena, and Triple H. Frankly, and sadly, I am kind of sick of reading about Zack Ryder. So I am going to take a look at some other issues in WWE, that you may or may not be aware of.
Daniel Bryan and his magic briefcase:
The Internet is buzzing about Daniel Bryan and his big win at Money In The Bank. According to Bryan, he will cash in at WrestleMania 28 in Miami. But who will he face and how will he get there? According to my sources (that crystal ball I used in another series I did), Bryan will put the title shot on the line several times, coming out on top in all of them...except the last one. Bryan will lose the case at Elimination Chamber and give way to Randy Orton...sigh. Sadly, Bryan will have to give up his briefcase to the top dog on Friday Night Zackdown! Expect to see Orton take on (insert main eventer traded from Raw) and perhaps Bryan wanting revenge in a triple-threat match. Rest assured, the whole situation will be awful...just awful.
APB Out for Cody Rhodes's Push
(Shout out to former Bleacher...uh, um... contributor, Rachel Miller.) Once upon a time, Cody Rhodes was the fastest rising heel in WWE. Numerous people pegged him to capture the MITB briefcase for SmackDown (nee ZackDown). Now he has fallen back in the middle or the shuffle, with his old pal Ted "I go to the drug store for protection" DiBiase Jr. Seriously, what are they, a Miz/Riley knockoff tag team? No one knows. However, if anyone has any information as to the whereabouts of this young star's push to stardom, please provide details in the comment section.
Big story out of the LI! No, it's not about Ryder's new gig. Ultimate Broski Scott Stanford did not receive his new authentic Zack Ryder t-shirt yet. As Stanford said during the latest episode of Z! True Long Island Story, he expected to be one of the first to receive the new garment. Sadly, despite having won four Emmy Awards and being in most of the YouTube episodes, Stanford has been stiffed. Are you serious, bro? Is this the beginning of the end for the bromance, between Ryder and Stanford? I certainly hope not. The two make a great duo and have excellent chemistry. What was once a potential wrestler/manager partnership, is now a complicated situation involving two broskis, a shirt, and a dream of stardom.
No real news to report, he just makes me laugh. Remember him in the electric scooter? As Commissioner Foley would have said, "good stuff"!
R-Truth's New Associates
Ever notice the guys R-Truth talks to all the time? Well, I am not sure if they are under contract with WWE, but my source (my brain) has told me the identity of the two members of Truth's entourage. The guy on the right is none other than Ron Killings's former tag partner in TNA...Adam "Pacman" Jones. Jones has decided to step away from the limelight and revamp his wrestling career as an invisible member of Truth's trio. As for the guy on the left, it is none other than the ghost of Hurricane Helms' career. As for the identity of Triple H's invisible associates, we (me and my invisible crew) are working tirelessly to uncover that mystery. And I know how to find out! People of Bleacher Report, I am going to steal the Declaration of Independence...Nicholas Cage style. WWWYKI!
Well, that's all the news I have for now. I will be sure to keep you updated on any and all new developments. This was intended as a poor attempt at humor, do not take this as me reporting false news. Please feel free to add your constructive comments and news updates below.
Thanks for reading.