November 5, 2008
Editor's Note: Yes, this is a blatant ripoff of the excellent work Doug did in the offseason, but I had an idea I thought was funny, and I ran with it. I hope Doug won't mind, but if he does, please know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. It also should be noted that I voted for McCain.
From the desk of President-Elect Barack Obama:
My fellow Americans,
Look how far we've come. As I write this, I am now the new President-Elect of this great nation, and I humbly accept the honor that you have bestowed upon me. Today is a great day. A day of hope, a day where change is beginning, and a day that I will consider to be the first of great things to come for this country.
However, more change is required, and until I get into office officially, there are still some things that need to be addressed.
You heard me speak of how the middle class is eroding. That's right—the heart and soul of this country is fading away, leaving people feeling as helpless as ever. In a place where opportunity, freedom, and hope go hand in hand, situations like this need to be addressed.
Since I have no official policy-making authority right now, I have decided to use my newfound position to influence areas where my voice can be heard. Where I can inspire and give hope to those who need it the most.
You see, while campaigning last week, I was able to catch the annual UGA-Florida game from the road. What I saw was a Defense that needed hope, a helping hand, and a chance to get back on its feet.
I saw the heart and soul of this Defense, the Secondary, lose the ability to stop the Florida Gators from putting up massive amounts of points. Points that should have gone to the Georgia Bulldogs.
In an effort to "spread the wealth," I have developed a plan that will lift the UGA Defense back to where it should be. Back to being the heart and soul of this team.
Right now, gone are the days of Erk Russell and Brian Van Gorder. Gone are the days where an opposing team steps on the field against the Dawgs and feel like they may never get an edge Offensively.
Those days will come again.
My opponent, Urban Meyer, would like for you to believe that I'm soft on Defense. That's simply not the case. I'm actually very hard on Defense, but for too long have we had "soft" Defense on this team. We need change, ladies and gentlemen. Change we can believe in.
This Defense has had a "bend but don't break" mentality. Standing up, if I bend over, I may not be broken, but I'm twice as close to kissing someone's feet or being a prisoner's boyfriend. That is unacceptable in Barack Obama's world.
In my world, we stand tall, we talk with our hands, we motivate with our actions, and most importantly, we WIN.
My plan is simple. We must do the basics right. We must create a Defense that is fair, balanced, and accepted across the ENTIRE Dawg Nation. Here is my plan in four simple steps.
1) Raise the responsibility of the Secondary
For far too long, the front seven of this team has borne the brunt of an opposing Offense while the Secondary sits back and fails the rest of the team. That's not to say those people in the Secondary are bad people. I care about them all. However, they cannot keep going at this pace and keep true growth from happening over the entire Defense.
We must raise the tax of responsibility and coverage on the Defense in order to ease the struggles of the front seven. It will not be easy, but in my plan, only the top part of the Defense will get taxed. If this works effectively, the taxation of the front seven will only lower in this regard.
2) We must limit and fix injuries
As you all know, health and well-being are important things to me. I want this team to be healthy, and I will do whatever it takes to keep them that way.
Under my plan, Jeff Owens would have a robotic knee. My ultimate goal is to see players succeed, and in order to do that, they must be healthy. So, at the government's expense, the next player to be hurt will become a Robo-Dawg.
3) We need strong, aggressive leadership
You saw my campaign ads. I go for the jugular. We need a coach on the sidelines that feels the same way. I'm not saying Willie Martinez needs to be fired, but he certainly needs a change in attitude.
Martinez, as a red-blooded football man, needs to find that aggression he had when he sacked Colt Brennan 2,439.5 times in last year's Sugar Bowl. In my eyes, that's the only surge that worked (ha ha!). That aggression has been lost under the last year of the Bush administration (and who can blame him for that), but no longer.
I will meet with Willie personally and show him how to be ruthless, aggressive, and condescending, even with a smile on his face. I did it all through the debates and in my ads. Trust me, we can make "Evil Willie" something else other than a bad name for a porno flick.
4) We must associate with other badasses
As you can tell, I like to have people around me that have the ability to blow sh*t up at any point in time. Take my association with William "Bill Brasky" Ayers for example. That man could make a bomb out of a strand of hair, a stick of gum, and a Mickey Mouse doll. I see nothing wrong with that.
In fact, I would suggest that UGA re-associate themselves with resident badasses like Brian Van Gorder, David Pollack, Odell Thurman, Thomas Davis, and Greg Blue. We need to do dinner with these bloodthirsty maniacs and let our association with them breathe fire into this team. BOOM!...heh, just kidding. That wasn't a real bomb.
Citizens of this great country, join me in this fight for a restoration of the middle of the field. Help me keep the greedy "let's let them get as many yards through the air as possible" Secondary in check by raising the tax of responsibility and lowering the tax of humility for EVERYONE.
We can do this. The hope is there. The change is necessary. The difference is YOU.
I'm President-Elect Barack Obama, and I approved this kick-ass message.
Until next time kids.