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In a press conference hastily convened this afternoon, University of Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman announced the hiring of Rita Rodriguez as the Wolverine's new Head Cheerleading Coach...

Michigan News: Rich Rodriguez's Wife to Guide Wolverines Spirit Team

by Randy Warner [HUMOR]

14

7327 reads

Humor

January 27, 2008


In a press conference hastily convened this afternoon, University of Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman announced the hiring of Rita Rodriguez as the Wolverine's new Head Cheerleading Coach.

Rodriguez, accompanied by her husband (newly hired head football coach Rich Rodriguez) and sporting her new "All Access Pass" declined to address the media directly allowing her agent, Mike Brown, to speak on her behalf.

"Mrs. Rita will bring to this program the discipline necessary to keep the football coaches focused on the football things."

It is widely expected that Rodriguez will install her infamous "Spreadless Defense" at the University of Michigan.  The storied defense is built around the Nickel Press philosophy, but to accomplish this new strategy changes in personnel and recruiting will be necessary.  

All existing staff members have been advised to "look for opportunities" and all existing female squad members have been dismissed, forfeiting their scholarships.  

"We have to have size and strength," said Brown.  "We need girls who can secure that nickel between their knees until the football coach gets home," he added.  "It's a new day in Michigan Cheering."

Brown also indicated that high school sensation Torella Pryorski—from somewhere in Pennsylvania—has spoken with Mrs. Rita and could serve as the foundation of the new squad.  The 4'5", 283 pound Pryorski is said to be considering Ohio State but is also entertaining an offer for an immediate opening at any offensive line position for the Oklahoma Sooners.

"This creates so many opportunities," said Brown.  “With the change in school colors to Black and White and with the size of these girls, we can sell ads on their uniforms!!!  Yellow Book will display perfectly.  We can sell their uniforms at the end of game day and keep 10% of the money.  Next week they can buy new uniforms and sell new ads!!!  It's a win-win for m…well, it's a win.”

“We all know these young ladies want to play in the Big Rod House," referring to the required stadium name change as part of Rich Rodriguez' new contract. 

Brown said he has entered into an agreement with a manufacturer for a significant discount on truckloads of peroxide. 

"We want these girls to emulate their mentor," Brown said.  In additon, "All cheerleaders will be required to live in a trailor park 17 miles outside of Ann Arbor." 

Mrs. Rita will frequently check in on her girls when her husband’s whereabouts are unknown.

While details of the contract with Mrs. Rita will be made available next week, Mike Brown indicated that a buyout clause would not be an obstacle to her signing.  

"If Mrs. Rita ever decides to leave the University of Michigan for any, and I mean any, reason the University will be required to pay her $4 million, and me just $2 million. It looks like we're gonna be here for…awhile."

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14 comments Last one added about 1 year ago — Leave a Comment

  1. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    PAY UP DEADBEAT

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  2. Mike Sheridan about 1 year ago

    Hilarious. Thank you, Randy. For some reason, though, I find that UM partisans don't appreciate the humor.

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  3. Mark Davis about 1 year ago

    Another Mike Brown sucess story!!!

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  4. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    DAY DUK UR JUB...still whining, oh house that house resolution coming lol.

    Your not VT http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/01/28/politics/politico/thecrypt/main3761199.shtml

    Maybe this will raise your tattered spirits, this is how the rest of America envisions WV.

    http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/82562/detail/

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  5. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    Seems to me that the "South Park" clip was more in line with GM sneaking out of town and abondoning the Michigan Faithful. And if you have followed the RR story with any degree of objectivity, you will find that WVU is far better off than Michigan. In time you will agree.....

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  6. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    HILARIOUS!! HOWEVER, UM fans should seriously start watching for changes to their "Historic Program"......How long do you think it will be before you get new uni's??

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  7. Kimberly Watts about 1 year ago

    They are already getting new uni's..... like WVU of course....one style will be the all corn yellow.....um...I mean maize.....

    I have also seen many UM posters using this slogan.....We Are Michigan.......geezus....now they're stealing from Marshall...........

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  8. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    Michigan faithful will discover that not enough "background" review was done
    on their new coach. There is a potential cheerleadergate!!!!!

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  9. Dan Dolan about 1 year ago

    Now thats funny.

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  10. Dan Dolan about 1 year ago

    I tell ya, that Rich is a good coach. He even teaches the cheerleaders the "spread".

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  11. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    Yawn. Let it go. Y'all aren't going to be playing Michigan for years, so just let it go. Your conduct explains perfectly why West Virginia is the Alabama of the North, except the food isn't as good. Y'all are the real joke, throwing a months-long temper tantrum like a whining teen. If you insist you can win without Rich Rod and he is such a sleaze bag liar, then why the hell aren't you glad he's gone? If I were you and I felt that way, I'd be sending my condolences to Michigan, not my vitriol.

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  12. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    hope they wear chastity belts.stock of the trojan condom co is falling fast,cause stud rod don't roll lie dat

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  13. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    i love you lmao more than ever over this one! you rock! michelle aka RODTHEFRAUD.COM

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    • About the Author Randy Warner (contributor)

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