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With the Super Bowl looming, we must be prepared for a scenario so scary, people dare not speak its name. The “what if” of this scenario will leave the world in shambles...

Doomsday: What if New England doesn't win the Super Bowl?

by Elisabeth Galina (Columnist)

23

1130 reads

Sports

January 27, 2008


With the Super Bowl looming, we must be prepared for a scenario so scary, people dare not speak its name. The “what if” of this scenario will leave the world in shambles. The “say it isn’t so” of this scenario will make grown men weep and women everywhere become infertile.

What do we do if the Giants go for gold in Arizona? What do we do if the Patriots don’t win Superbowl XLII?

In the days of NFL yesteryear, the Super Bowl meant that the best of the NFC would meet up with the best of the AFC. There was nothing to prove but skill and talent. Now, the Super Bowl has become a ticking clock for the end of humanity.

The New York Giants are that kid who sticks his finger two inches from your eye and says “I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!” You get fed up, punch him, and then he yelps to the teacher “He hit me!”

Instigators, yes but goddammit are they ever good at it. Big Blue thrives on the penalties of their opponents. A yard here, a yard there, a false start every once and a while, but never their own.

They did it in Dallas and they did it in Green Bay. Now they have a shot to do it in Glendale.

But the world will go on if the Giants lose to New England. People will wake up, go on with their lives, some more disappointed then others, but nothing will differ from the norm.

However, if the Pats do not achieve a perfect season, all hell will break loose, causing a ripple effect in the universe.

I recently received a piece of information that has me quite worried. Marty McFly went to the future and bought the Sports Almanac, left it in the Delorean, Biff stole it, went back in time and gave it to his younger self, who made a fortune with it and changed the course of history.

What you don’t know is in the Sports Almanac it states very clearly in big bold letters that on February 3rd New England will cream the Green Bay Packers.

What? No, it says Packers, not Giants.

You see, Biff grew up with Don Shula. One day, Shula stumbled upon the Almanac and saw that the 1972 Dolphins were to accomplish greatness. He made sure to involve himself with them as much as he could. Everything was fine for years until Tom Brady and his band of wonderful showed up.

Doc Brown warned Coach Shula that the Patriots had already tampered with the space time continuum accidentally due to their sheer awesomeness and that it was best to let the season run it’s course.

Don didn’t care. He couldn’t let some perfume model and an ex-Raider who makes juice take down the legend perpetuated by his ’72 Dolphins.

The problem was the Patriots were unstoppable, like 88 miles per hour, unstoppable. They weren’t supposed to go 19-0, they were supposed to lose three games along the way. One to the Eagles, one to the Ravens, and one to the Giants.It says so in the Almanac.

I would post it here, but for legal reasons I cannot, and plus Griff, Biff’s grandson rode his hover board right through the glass of the courthouse. The Patriots messed with history inadvertently by beating everyone and their mom’s this season but it was not in vain.

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23 comments Last one added about 1 year ago — Leave a Comment

  1. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    Wow, you write well. What a pleasure to read. The twists, the turns, the fantasy, the reality. Best I've read so far. Keep going...

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  2. Mark Myers about 1 year ago

    Great article.

    I would be willing to wager that you have read at least two Mark Leyner books (one of them definitely being 'Tooth Imprints on a Corndog'). But I would probably lose that bet.

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  3. Marcus Hagness about 1 year ago

    Yeah I agree here you definitely have good skills as a writer.

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  4. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    A great read of fact and fiction.Your humor is very subtle, nice bit of writing.

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  5. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    Great article. Funny, versatile and interesting!

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  6. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    Great article, keep up the good work.

    Anonymous.

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  7. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    You've got the gift, kiddo. Doomsday is a nice piece of writing as are your other two articles. Also loved your bio. Breezy humor. Great stuff.
    Anonymous

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  8. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    Hi this is Biff. Could you please leave me in peace! Now it seems like I get blamed for everything. Whoever loses Sunday, ITS NOT MY FAULT. By the way, love your stuff. Where you're going, you won't need any roads..

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  9. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    You sound like the perfect wife!! A commitment to the sport with the wit to keep the relationship afloat. WOW! Will you marry me???

    If not, could you at least write me some more love poetry (I mean football commentary).... :)

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  10. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    Another great piece. A perfect compliment to your Eli Manning piece. Keep up the great writing.

    Your old friend from New Orleans!

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  11. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    THAT'S SOOO FUNNY, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

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  12. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    You rule dude. But seriously... Brilliant!

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  13. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    I know very little about what you are writing about, but your writing kept me on the hook until the very end. Hey, maybe I'll even watch the game... Btw, I agree with the previous posters that you are a skilled writer!

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  14. Matt Davidson about 1 year ago

    Anything that dies the greatest movie of all time and football together is A-Ok in my books (or almanac)

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  15. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    I meant ties, not dies, TIES

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  1. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    HA!! that's all i have to say!

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  2. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    mass hysteria?
    you mean like dogs and cats living together?
    very funny article. i dig it.

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  3. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    its true, i just cut the sleeves of my shirt - the homeless coach look is here to stay.

    i hope you will still be writing aobut football in the offseason - we're countnig on you!

    great article

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  4. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    love it. your article i mean. yeah.

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  5. Anonymous about 1 year ago

    There's only one thing I object to in this funny, well-written article and that's the slur on John Madden! He's the one who got many women to watch this sport many seasons ago when he would explain the plays in a clear, visual way. I was already a football geek by then, but still could appreciate what he was doing for the sport. He's one of the best commentators there is, especially when it comes to knowing all about the defense. Now, if you had dissed loud-mouthed, aging former quarterback, Terry Bradshaw, I'd be totally onside!

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  6. Mark Myers about 1 year ago

    I'm posting this from my doomsday shelter. I hope everybody out there is OK.

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