Last month, New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez divorced his wife Cynthia amid rumors of his affair with 80’s pop star, Madonna. Though the details of the divorce settlement remain undisclosed, Cynthia stands to yield a considerable amount of cash and real estate assets.
I would like to express my heartfelt sympathy regarding your recent divorce from Alex Rodriguez. This must be a difficult for you, and your children under normal circumstances. And with the constant barrage of press your personal affairs are receiving, you must be under an enormous amount of strain. However, If I could find a silver lining to all this; It is that you are now free to date me.
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “I just got out of a relationship with a horrible man, why would I want to date you?” I understand completely. Well, let me tell you Cindy, (its okay if I call you Cindy right?) I couldn’t be further from that good for nothing A-Rod. First off, he’s rich. I couldn’t be more un-rich if I tried. He’s good at baseball. I managed a slow pitch, co-ed softball team to a 4-18 record this year. And he’s been to Seattle. Have I been? Nope. Not even close. There are three major differences for you, right off the bat. (Pun intended.)
I don’t like your ex-husband. So you don’t have to worry about looking petty while saying anything bad about him around me. My friends and I have spent time and money in order to get close to him and yell obscenities at him. He probably tunes us out when we chant “A-Rod Sucks!” one thousand times per game. But, after we start dating, you could tell me things about him that drive you nuts and my drunk college buddies and I could put them into our taunts.
Imagine a group of rowdy spectators getting a packed stadium to chant, “A-Rod thinks it is okay to wear jeans on the beach!” over and over. And he would surely strike out if I could coordinate enough people to each paint a letter on our bare chests spelling out, “A-ROD NEVER PUTS THE DVDs BACK INTO THE APPROPRIATE CASE WHEN HE TAKES THE OLD ONE OUT OF THE MACHINE!!!” (Three exclamation points may be hard to pull off.)
And may I be frank here and say that this Madonna thing makes no sense at all to me. I mean she’s old enough to be our mother. He could have any woman in the world and he goes after her? I’ve seen pictures of the two of you and let’s just say that it isn’t even close. The only explanation I can find is that he must only be attracted to women who have more money than him. So that leaves Madonna and Oprah. And Oprah; Really?
I really can’t offer you anything material to you. I promise to be handy around each of the houses. However, I imagine the team of servants that wait on us 24/7 would have that taken care of, if they know what’s good for them. I’m very punctual, and would convert to Greek Orthodox, whatever it is you are. I am good with kids and would eventually learn their names if you wanted me to. I’m sure they will get to learn my name subconsciously in their sleep as you yell it all night long. Maybe I could get you to scream your Lord’s name so that it would counter all that Kabala stuff their former dad has brainwashed them with.
So Cindy, those are just a couple of things for you to mull over. I have a pretty open schedule so anytime you want to take me out to dinner at some fancy restaurant, I’m game. Do you still have access to Mr. No Rings’ private jet? Maybe we could fly out to Pike Place for some Japanese food. I’ve never been to Seattle.
Love always and forever,
Adam D. Liscombe
P.S. Did you see Shanghai Surprise? It’s about as good as your ex in October.