"Wisdom is learning what to overlook.”—William James
Remember when Ed Norton went to jail in American History X? Even though he suffered some disturbing blows at the hands of his out-for-blood cellmates, a kindly African American underwear-folder facilitated his education, which made Norton begin to see things from a whole new perspective.
This is a little like that.
So far I’ve learned:
1. World Series Tabulation Begins in the Year 2000
The Yankees suck because they haven’t won a World Series in eight years. Their record-breaking, storied franchise is null and void when you consider that in this century they are ringless. And that’s what counts.
I was thinking about this lesson and trying to make sense of it, when I remembered something my biology-major sister taught me. Somewhere between eight and 12 months of age, a child's cognition develops so that he understands that objects continue to exist even when he can't see them or experience them.
Boston fans blew right by this stage and skipped straight to the next one. Which interestingly enough, happens to be an inability to acknowledge others' viewpoints. I'm not making this up. Some scientiest named Jean Piaget did.
2. Tom Brady Played Hurt in Super Bowl XLII
Sure, it’s easy to beat the all-mighty Patriots when Tom Brady is injured. Big deal.
Why is someone always handicapped during pivotal moments for Boston teams? Curt Schilling played without a foot, Paul Pierce played without a knee…it must be nice to have that little justification to fall back on in case your team loses.
3. Jeter and A-Rod Suck
They are also gay, which is unforgivable.
Except when homosexuality is tied to Brady. It’s okay to be “gay for Brady.”
It’s not okay to make any insinuations about Brady being gay.
Actually, I've learned it’s just easier to not say anything about Tom Brady at all.
Some little known facts about our lionized Yankees: Jeter’s egregious inability to go to his left side when playing the infield, makes him the league’s worst shortstop. Not "good, but not great." The worst.
Also, A-Rod is worthless. Homeruns only count in the 9th inning.
4. Papelbon Can Fist-Pump. Joba Can't. Pedroia Can Slap Away Balls. A-Rod Can't. Manny doesn’t make errors.
The only thing more ridiculous than Manny Ramirez’s fielding is the fact he actually recently indicated he wants a Gold Glove. I have to assume he thinks a Gold Glove is the latest Wii accessory.
Joba’s fist-pumping enraged…someone? I’m not sure who decided this was unacceptable, but soon young Joba had to stifle his excitement after ending an inning. Papelbon is free to roll out Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Floats.
While A-Rod's slap-tactics defamed the sport, expedited global warming, supported organized crime, and made the world unsafe for democracy, Dustin Pedroia's arm flailing
26 comments Last one added 8 months ago — Leave a Comment
Howard Sanborn 8 months ago
I felt pretty dirty after the Red Sox-Rays series. I had spent seven games rooting AGAINST a team instead of cheering FOR one. Normally, I listen in on Sox games but don't really get too steamed when they win or too happy when they lose, except when it affects the Yankees directly. This time, with no horse in the race, I based my rooting interests on whoever was playing the Sox.
Let me tell you, it's not a way to live. You feel worthless because you hope for the worst to happen to someone else. I was pulling against Youkilis and Pedroia and Papi. It is a completely different feeling than rooting for Jeter and ARod and Mo.
Then I thought, "Yikes, I did this for one series. Imagine doing this for the better part of 86 years." No wonder Red Sox fans are so bitter, are so wrapped up in themselves. Their whole existence as baseball fans extended beyond cheering for the one team. Once the Sox were eliminated from contention and the Yankees moved on, all Sox fans could do was pull against their main antagonist. If I was questioning my faith in humanity after putting up with this charade during a Rays-Sox series, one that the Rays ultimately won mind you, how black must so many Sox fans' souls be after doing this and watching the Yankees win so often, anyway?
I gained a great deal of knowledge about fandom in general from this post season. I learned that it is easy to be an optimist in the Yankee world because we always expect them to come back (cue montage of various 98-01 Yankee clips) and they always do. Red Sox fans have spent so long being bitter, spent so long not only rooting for the Sox but against the Yankees that they really have darkened their souls. Worse of all, they can't really say they did it the RIGHT way because they truly bought their teams (Beckett, Varitek, Schilling, Papi, Manny, etc), the same criticism they used to lob the Yankees' way. There heavy hitters were all brought in from outside, unlike the Yankees' nucleus (Pettite, Rivera, Jeter, Posada, Bernie, etc) that was augmented by free agency.
Maybe, in 80 years, if the Red Sox have won a few Series, they can be more comfortable in their own skin. Hopefully, they can be more like Yankee fans. Until then, though, I think it's safe to say that they will concern themselves as much with the Yankees as they do the Red Sox.
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Kris Pollina 8 months ago
Yup I know exactly what you mean. I hate it. I wanted so so badly to NOT root against a team. I even wanted to WANT to root for the sox. (The best I could come up with was not root against them, which was a big step.) Glad it was a TB Phils series though, since it made it impossible to root AGAINST a team.
ah despite what I say, boston was a pretty cool town. Did you go on the fenway tour when you were there a few months ago? It wasnt that good. Objectively speaking. Really.
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Billy Fellin 8 months ago
Great article Kris!
It's a funny thing about rule #19. My mom and dad have been married for 23 years now and my mom is a Red Sox/Patriots fan and my dad a Yankees/Giants fan.
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Kris Pollina 8 months ago
Thank you!! How the HELL did that pan out last february, btw?? Or 03, 04, etc etc... wow. the logistics are mind boggling.
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Brian Gaylord 8 months ago
Kris, this is fine writing! I say that as a lifelong Boston sports fan (Bruins, Red Sox and Celtics) and lifelong NY Giants fan. Your piece is funny, astute and rich with examples. I may be a little bloodied
from it, but not so much that I can't give it five stars. Great jab ... er, job.
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Kris Pollina 8 months ago
Wow! Thank you thank you. See, that's the way I need to be. I hear one slightly disparaging remark about NY and I'm going for the jugular. I'm working on it, though. Thank you so much for comments!
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Adam Liscombe 8 months ago
I'd like to point out that the lady in Nashua was a Yankee fan. So make that 20 things you've learned from dating a Boston Sports fan!
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Kris Pollina 8 months ago
Listen, goofball, the actual number of things I've learned from you expands faster than I can write, so I had to cap it off somewhere.
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Chris Schmidbauer 8 months ago
This was brilliant and I am fom Ohio. I loved this. It was funny as hell. Five stars and POTD
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Kris Pollina 8 months ago
THANK YOU for the comments and the POTD! Hey so as a native, can you confirm or deny rumors that ohio-michigan rivalry puts the ny-boston one to shame?
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Michael Inglis 8 months ago
I like #7 that was funny.
You should've learned to get your glove down on a ground ball. (bill buckner)
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Kris Pollina 8 months ago
Hahaha, yeah i also learned that's not a good topic to bring up (but worst one to bring up is 2003).
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Bryan Goldberg 8 months ago
You've learned a lot from dating a Boston sports fan. Not much more to learn, I suppose.
But think of all the new things you could learn by dating an SF sports fan!
Lesson #1: Sit quietly while spectating, cheer when the jumbo-vision tells you it's appropriate, and ask the person seated next to you if they would also like a panini when you go to the concession stands.
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Kris Pollina 8 months ago
now there's a stadium I could get on board with. Citizen Bank was really the only non-yankee stadium I've been to that didn't try to tar and feather me.
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Scott Stanton 8 months ago
I am a die hard Red Sox fan and I approve of this message.
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Bruce Dickenson 8 months ago
I think I am in love, just don't tell my wife. This may be one of the best articles I have ever read. By the way, I was rooting for the Sox in the playoffs this year.
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Matt Gilmartin 8 months ago
Hilarious article, Kris! Five stars/Pick of the Day vote!
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Alex Ferguson 8 months ago
I'm happy to say I rooted AGAINST Boston in the ALCS, and I root AGAINST all Boston teams. Even when it's Lakers vs Celtics - which is quite an achievement.
And you're right - there's only one person I know who roots for the Bruins as well as the rest of his Boston teams - the rest of them focus on three teams and three teams only.
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Anthony Elias 8 months ago
haha this is a great article!! 5 Stars POTD!!!!!
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Nick Lilja 8 months ago
Freakin hilarious.
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Bryan Thiel 8 months ago
Haha good article...being from Canada, the only Boston teams I really cheer for are the Pats (The top games we get aired NFL-wise in Canada were Pats and Bills so there wasn't much to choose from) and the Bruins (not because I'm a fan, but because I feel sorry for how the Bruins have been crushed by Jeremy Jacobs).
Granted I'm not knee deep in Patriot Nation, but 18-1 truly doesn't concern me. Would a 19-0 season have been unbelievable? Yes. Does David Tyree's catch still make me sick? You bet it does, but the Pats also had three superbowls in four years, so Brady hurt or not, a loss is a loss. The best team won straight up and it's not like the Pats have gotten shortchanged. They still are the first team to go unbeaten in the 16-game regular season, and I guess that's still something.
Being a Jays fan, it's always fun to see Yankees and Sox fans go at it. I for one, can't stand A-Rod, simply because I think A-Rod is a primadonna, overpaid fool, while I think that Jeter is a tad bit overrated, until it comes to being a playoff performer because he always brings his best to the grandest stage, which I appreciate. As far as the Sox go, I think it's funny how we turn our heads to Manny, but I find him enjoyable too, while I think Johnny Damon would have gone the way of Jeter had he not gone against his word and signed with the Yankees and stayed in Boston.
Either way, just a few thoughts....love the article though :) Great read!
BT
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Brett Kettyle 8 months ago
POTD, I thought this was hilarious and probably my favorite article i have read on BR
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Joe G 8 months ago
Great article Kris. I'm no Yankees fan, not by a long shot, but bandwagon Red Sox fans are some of the most obnoxious in all sports.
1. What have you done for me lately?
2. Ronnie Lott played without a finger. Former Manchester City goalkeeper Bert Trautmann played with a broken neck once. People should stop making excuses for Brady.
4. It's scrappy when Pedroia slaps away balls. And they had to change the definition of "error" for Manny. What's a routine play for him is a big fat E for any other player.
5. Yankees fans will return to their obnoxious ways as soon as they start winning again. But they still won't grind my gears as much as Curt Schilling does.
7. 18-1 is pretty unfortunate if you actually suited up for that one loss.
13. Maybe if they say it often enough, it'll come true.
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Isaac Elyacharshuster 8 months ago
You are missing the key fact that chanting "Yankees Suck" is acceptable at any time, and by any time, there are no exclusions, including weddings, funerals, and Bruins games.
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Kris Pollina 8 months ago
OH MY GOD you're so right. No seriously, I just had this discussion like 2 weekends ago. Wow, can't believe I forgot that one. Nice call-
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Kevin Paul 8 months ago
Ha ha nice... I thought you were going to throw accent stuff in there. That everything is wicked awesome, or the only kind of chowda is New England... that Manhattan stuff is a pissah!
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