"Wisdom is learning what to overlook.”—William James
Remember when Ed Norton went to jail in American History X? Even though he suffered some disturbing blows at the hands of his out-for-blood cellmates, a kindly African American underwear-folder facilitated his education, which made Norton begin to see things from a whole new perspective.
This is a little like that.
So far I’ve learned:
1. World Series Tabulation Begins in the Year 2000
The Yankees suck because they haven’t won a World Series in eight years. Their record-breaking, storied franchise is null and void when you consider that in this century they are ringless. And that’s what counts.
I was thinking about this lesson and trying to make sense of it, when I remembered something my biology-major sister taught me. Somewhere between eight and 12 months of age, a child's cognition develops so that he understands that objects continue to exist even when he can't see them or experience them.
Boston fans blew right by this stage and skipped straight to the next one. Which interestingly enough, happens to be an inability to acknowledge others' viewpoints. I'm not making this up. Some scientiest named Jean Piaget did.
2. Tom Brady Played Hurt in Super Bowl XLII
Sure, it’s easy to beat the all-mighty Patriots when Tom Brady is injured. Big deal.
Why is someone always handicapped during pivotal moments for Boston teams? Curt Schilling played without a foot, Paul Pierce played without a knee…it must be nice to have that little justification to fall back on in case your team loses.
3. Jeter and A-Rod Suck
They are also gay, which is unforgivable.
Except when homosexuality is tied to Brady. It’s okay to be “gay for Brady.”
It’s not okay to make any insinuations about Brady being gay.
Actually, I've learned it’s just easier to not say anything about Tom Brady at all.
Some little known facts about our lionized Yankees: Jeter’s egregious inability to go to his left side when playing the infield, makes him the league’s worst shortstop. Not "good, but not great." The worst.
Also, A-Rod is worthless. Homeruns only count in the 9th inning.
4. Papelbon Can Fist-Pump. Joba Can't. Pedroia Can Slap Away Balls. A-Rod Can't. Manny doesn’t make errors.
The only thing more ridiculous than Manny Ramirez’s fielding is the fact he actually recently indicated he wants a Gold Glove. I have to assume he thinks a Gold Glove is the latest Wii accessory.
Joba’s fist-pumping enraged…someone? I’m not sure who decided this was unacceptable, but soon young Joba had to stifle his excitement after ending an inning. Papelbon is free to roll out Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Floats.
While A-Rod's slap-tactics defamed the sport, expedited global warming, supported organized crime, and made the world unsafe for democracy, Dustin Pedroia's arm flailing
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