Super Bowl XLII: America's Idol Game

Ryan ColburnContributor IJanuary 26, 2008

Let me preface by saying that I'm not gonna mock this article...because it's mine, and it mocks stuff itself.

So, if you're reading it here, do me a favor and click the link so I get a hit, because the more hits I get, the more likely it is I'll win!

Every year, Super Bowl season comes around, it's like Christmas again for overweight, middle-aged men.

That is to say, lots of beer and junk food will be consumed. Or maybe that's last week, or yesterday—depends on how much beer you had and how far back you choose to recall.

Anyway, FOX is going to be showing the Super Bowl in HD. That's exciting news. The last time the NFL was involved in making the game this real was Super Bowl XXIII:

Bob Costas declared that the "single proudest moment" of his life. Probably much the same way viewers felt after surviving the onslaught that came to be known as the Super Bowl XXIII Halftime Show.

Speaking of halftime shows, every year, audiences have the opportunity to watch some big name perform for millions of viewers. Unfortunately, ever since "wardrobe-malfunction-gate," fans have been unable to enjoy musical talent at these shows.

To be fair, I wouldn't call N'Sync and Britney Spears "football music" (or music at all.) But hey, halftime isn't for the the football fans' entertainment—it's for their spouses or girlfriends (or boyfriends.)

This year, the NFL gave out a wish list which included stars such as Bruce Springsteen, The Eagles, and even Norah Jones. Somehow, we wound up with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

Bridgestone is going to be the sponsor for this year's halftime show. Firestone petitioned mightily to sponsor the show themselves, but recent pictures of Tom Brady in a soft cast seemed to correspond with their withdrawal from consideration.

Who knew Star QBs drove Ford Explorers?

Willie Nelson is reported to be performing at a pre-game tailgate party. It's likely that this will be the first time that an entertainer fails the NFL's substance abuse policy.

Oddly enough, Giants fans have been seen sending invitations to the party to the Patriots' locker room.

It's been a running joke for a while now that whenever poor music is played, somewhere Simon Cowell is putting down the person responsible. With FOX's ties to this year's Super Bowl, we may actually get to see that happen.

Ryan Seacrest will apparently be emceeing the pre-game and halftime shows. This means that millions of people will be using cell phones to attempt to vote Michael Strahan into the next round. Either that or they'll be changing the channel frequently.

As if that wasn't enough, Paula Abdul somehow managed to get free airtime for her newest music video, wherein an aging female pop singer's only means of reviving her music career is.She also is in the process of rehearsals for a halftime show with Soulja Boy. America is currently bracing itself for the first literal representation of SuperManning that Ho.

The FCC is waiting to pull the plug on all broadcast feeds while leaving all and bikini-beer commercials on-air.

For those of you that are interested in commercials, you'll be intrigued to know that presidential candidates are spending money on Super Bowl airtime.

This is convenient, because I seem to remember my high-school government teacher always proclaiming that Patriots vote. It seems like the politicians have identified their target audience here.

This year, companies will spend a whopping $2.7 million for 30 seconds of airtime. That's too much—I say we boycott this practice.

I'm not saying we should stop watching the Super Bowl, but when commercials go on, we should listen from the adjoining room. That'll confuse those marketing department wizards.

In-between mocking Seacrest, changing the channel, drinking beer and eating chips, it turns out some guys are going to be playing football or something.