Bringing Relevance Back to Our All-Star Events

The MLB All-Star game is upon us, and frankly, most of us don't care.

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that just about every player in baseball, besides Hideki Matsui and Adam Dunn, has qualified for the game, or maybe it has something to do with Bud Selig's lame idea to give home field advantage for the World Series to the winning league.

I'm not exactly sure what the problem is; all I know for sure is that I have zero interest in the game, and I'm not alone in this opinion.

In fact, the last time I actually cared about the Major League Baseball All-Star game was when drug-fiends Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire were going mano y mano in the home run derby.

As a child, I'd be excited for weeks leading up to the MLB All-Star game. I had all the players stats memorized, and I kept score during the game (yes, I was a dork).

Since those years, I've lost interest, as have many Americans.

However, it's not just the baseball all-star game that has been in a downward spiral. It's all of them (except hockey—hockey's All-Star game is great).

Being the HUGE sports fan I am, I've decided to take it upon myself to save our beloved All-Star games.

What follows is a list of ideas of how to make Americans care again.

MLB

Since this week is MLB all-star week, let's first fix their game.

For starters, let's get rid of the idiotic idea to give home field advantage in the World Series to the winning league. This doesn't make ANYONE play harder, and it's stupid to have the balance of the World Series possibly determined in this way.

Second, let's not only make steroids legal, but let's make them MANDATORY for the home run derby. I want to be entertained. I don't want to see Matt Holiday win just because he hit 10 little home runs. No, I want to see him hit one halfway to Tucson. I want Matt Kemp blow the cover off the ball like Robert Redford in The Natural. I want Jose Bautista to go on a roid rage after a foul-tip and go into the stands, ala Ron Artest.

Let's bring adventure back to the home run derby.

As for the game itself, there's way too many players. Half of the starters elect not to play and they're replaced by mediocre talent. Make it mandatory for selected players to play. If they choose not to play, then they must fulfill their All-Star duties in another way. I want to take a page out of the Milwaukee Brewers book and have a sausage race during the seventh inning stretch. Only in this race, the people wearing the sausage outfits will be guys like Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez and any other all-stars who've elected not to play.

Just make sure that Randall Simon isn't lurking in some dark corner with a baseball bat.

Lastly, during each inning, there will be one ball marked as the "home run ball." If this ball is hit for a home run during the inning, the fan who catches it wins $10,000. If that doesn't raise fan interest, nothing will.

NFL

Is there anything less relevant than the NFL Pro Bowl?

The NFL Pro-Bowl is nothing but a game of flag football without the flags.

Now, I understand why these players don't want to hit each other. Their season's over, they're all sore, many of them are nursing injuries and they just want to hang out and have a good time in Hawaii.

I don't blame them.

However, this doesn't entertain me. And I am the customer. And if there is one thing I learned while working at my grandfather's store as a kid, it's that the "customer is always right."

As the customer, I demand to be entertained.

Therefore, I suggest that all the Pro-Bowl uniforms be lined with electrodes. Then, 90 lucky fans will be awarded buzzers, one buzzer to go with each player. If a fan feels that a player is taking it easy, laying up on a hit or going half-speed, he simply hits his buzzer and gives the player a slight jolt of electricity.

This I would watch.

Secondly, I would initiate a rule that would require each team to run at least one bizarre, trick-play per quarter. And I'm not talking flea-flicker or reverses here. I want some real innovation. I want to see a triple-reverse that ends with Peyton Manning hiding the ball inside the pants of Chris Kemoeatu after a fake hand-off to Chris Johnson.

If the play is not ambitious or creative enough, the coach recieves a jolt of electricity.

Finally, taking a page from the XFL, there will be a sprint to the ball for the opening possession. I want to see Ray Lewis and Hines Ward, hated rivals, racing from opposite end zones, towards midfield, to grab the ball and win the opening possession.

And if one of them takes it easy? You guessed it; they get zapped.

NBA

Of the All-Star events of the three major sports, basketball's is the best.

However, it can still be improved.

This year, watching Blake Griffin hurdle a car and dunk a ball after Baron Davis popped out of the sun-roof to give him an alley-oop was amazing. I was so excited that I practically slam dunked my one year-old, who was seated on my lap, enjoying a milk beverage.

This dunk gave me an idea.

Let's make it mandatory that something be hurdled for every dunk, during the contest. But not just boring inanimate things like cars. Let's put a shark tank in front of the hoop, or chain a hungry lion to the pole and make Blake Griffin hurdle one of those. I mean, the Romans did it, so why not us? Besides, if he doesn't make it over the lion, and we have a battle between Blake Griffin and a lion, my money is on Blake Griffin.

The man is a beast.

As far as the actual game goes, there's no defense, and as much as I enjoy a scoring-fest, it's no fun if none of the shots are even contested.

So, I suggest that we make the game into something more resembling the old video game "Frogger", combined with "Whack-a-Mole".

I don't want to have moving vehicles on the court, but it would be kind of neat if random wooden defenders popped up out of the floor.

How great would it be to see LeBron James speeding down the court to receive an alley-oop pass from John Wall only to run face first into a wooden Jim Brown that popped up in front of him, out of the floor.

I think this would make Cleveland very happy.

Lastly, and maybe most controversially, I suggest a new format for choosing teams.

Instead of East versus West, how about the Euros versus the Americans, or maybe guys under 6'5" versus the tall guys; that would be an interesting idea. Or maybe black versus white.

Any of these formats would be more interesting than East versus West. I mean, these aren't gangster rappers with coastal identity issues; these are basketball players who are all mostly friends with one another. We need a fresh idea to make the game fun again and to make them compete.

Anyway, all of these were just ideas. I don't suspect any of the respective leagues will use any of my ideas, but they should.

If not, their loss.