Suckah Bowl XLII: A Dream-Team of Misfits, Degenerates, and Social Parasites
In the not so distant past, a group of friends and I were trying to think up a perfect word to define today’s legal, moral, and professional class of unruly degenerates.
You know, the guys who pop up on ESPN News for all the wrong reasons: assault, battery, possession of narcotics, resisting arrest, possession of a handgun, driving while intoxicated….you get the idea.
In today’s landscape of sports entertainment, you don’t have to hunt far and wide nor dig too deep to find a recent instance of criminal activity or moral ineptitude.
After much debate, we settled on the word “Suckah”. This stems from an infamous statement from the one and only Adam “Pacman” Jones, in which he called some of his numerous accusers “Suckahz." This term needed a definitional framework to truly enter our vocabulary with any real meaning.
Enter Will Norton’s dictionary of make-believe terms:
Suckah (pronunciation: suck-ahh), plural usage = Suckahz.
Definition: An individual, usually one with limited formal education or certified training and one who is often involved in professional athletics or entertainment, who engages in highly unlawful, immoral activities, mostly involving illicit drugs, lewd sexual conduct, or weaponry. Also, there is a likelihood that a lengthy (or legendary) criminal record and/or jail time in his past exists. The term can also be used to describe a type of specified behavior, of which the previous noted behavioral trends are implicit.
And so, with Super Bowl XLII only nine pain-staking, media-crazy days away, I thought this might be a perfect time to unveil the first ever Suckah Bowl team. Several arrests or, at the very least, multiple run-ins with the law are inherent traits of this legally and morally inept dream team.
Without further ado, I give you the first ever All-Suckah Super Bowl!
QB: Mike Vick
Although Mr. Vick has only had one real scuffle with the law, given the circumstances of his charges and the fame of his career, he is the easy choice under center in the Suckah Bowl. Vick is currently serving 23 months in prison on charges of conspiring to travel in interstate commerce in aid of unlawful activities and conspiring to sponsor a dog in an animal-fighting venture.
Needless to say, the activities that led up to Vick’s indictment, arrest, and sentencing are of the highest Suckah nature. Imagine the individuals taking part in the dog fighting ring? Fellow Suckahz, I’m sure.
RB: Travis Henry
Mmmmm, let’s see here; not only does Travis “The Father” Henry have nine children from nine different women, he also fails to pay child support for said children. Henry has encountered two run-ins in the past 12 months with the law and the NFL for marijuana use. This man is more than ready to take 25-30 hits, er, hand-offs in the Suckah Bowl.
Quick question Dad, how you planning on handling tickets for the Suckah Bowl? Nine different sets of two tickets placed strategically across the stadium in order to minimize baby's mama-to-baby's mama contact? What a dicey situation...
FB: Najeh Davenport
This a special nomination, one that I won’t permit for any other member of the Suckah Bowl team. But special acts of absolute scum-filled behavior call for a special set of circumstances, so I am making an exception for my personal King of lewd conduct.
During his rookie year in the NFL, Davenport was arrested in Miami for...hold on, let me collect myself here…defecating in the closet of a freshman dorm!
According to police, Davenport crept into a dorm room at Barry University in Miami around 6 a.m. on April 1, 2002. A woman sleeping in the room told police she was startled by a strange sound and saw Davenport squatting in her closet. Davenport then allegedly defecated in a laundry basket.
This is just absolutely classic, prototypical Suckah behavior. Najeh paved the way and set the bar high for Suckah behavior back in ’02, and now he can pave the way for the Suckahz' running game in the Suckah Bowl. What a legend.
WR: Chris Henry
This man has hauled in legal trouble and arrest records, as well as the occasional pig-skin, with the best of them since joining the NFL in 2005.
Possession of marijuana and a stolen handgun broke the ice in Henry’s rookie year. Sexual assault popped up in 2006, as well as an arrest for doing 25 mph over the speed limit while drunk.
But wait, just wait, Mr. Henry is a Super Bowl Suckah for a reason. Still needing to let off some steam, Henry was arrested and jailed for supplying minors with alcohol, and a hotel room to consume it in! What a thoughtful gift! This guy is a difference maker on the Suckah landscape, one capable of making big mistakes resulting in tons of suspended sentences after the charge (his own personal YACO…we’ll call it SACO).
WR: David Boston
The only member of the Suckah Super Bowl squad to have notched the Suckah Triple Crown (three arrests with three different teams), Boston brings an element of veteran leadership and experience to the team.
While with Arizona in ‘02, driving under the influence of cocaine and marijuana let people know what type of game-changer this Suckah was.
Two years later, while with Miami, David hit a gate attendant at a Vermont airport who wouldn’t allow him to board a flight. No words, just fists…I love it David.
And to complete the trifecta as a member of Tampa Bay, Boston was arrested for a DUI when police found him passed out behind the wheel of his SUV. Toss in various steroid allegations that have hounded him throughout his career, and Mr. Boston can easily lay claim to the most hybrid Suckah threat on the field come Sunday.
DT: Tank Johnson
The Tank is a large suckah with an extensive history in illegal shenanigans. Arrested four times since entering the NFL, Johnson has faced charges stemming from aggravated assault, to resisting arrest, to marijuana possession, to handgun possession. Fitting for a man who answers to the word "Tank".
With such an array of different Suckah activities, you gotta love Tank’s passion to try new things. That’s what makes this guy such a dangerous member of the Suckah Bowl team: he can hurt you from so many different places with so many different weapons.
LB: A.J. Nicholson
Nothing spells Suckah quite like breaking into a former college teammate’s apartment and stealing average electronics. I mean, given how little professional athletes get paid these days, it’s an understandable risk-reward gamble taken on the part of Mr. Nicholson. Well played, sir.
In just two years in the NFL, this middle linebacker out of FSU has racked up burglary, grand theft, and domestic assault and battery charges on his record. Way to make every year count A.J.!
This guy will patrol the middle of the field with excellence in the Suckah Bowl, and he might just patrol your neighborhood late at night too, looking for a new HD-DVD player or a pricey piece of jewelry! You just never know, that's the fun!
CB: Adam “Pacman” Jones
Ladies and gentleman, in the red corner, wearing nothing but hundred dollar bills glued to his body, hailing from Atlanta, Georgia and weighing in at 185 pounds, the pride of West Virginia University, the one, the only….Adam Pac-Man Jones!!
Let’s put it this way: the word Suckah was contrived by my friends and I in large part because we needed a word to adequately capture the essence of Mr. Jones. This man has perhaps the most impressive, diverse, and potent array of charges of anyone playing in the Suckah Bowl: assault, felony vandalism, disorderedly conduct (thrice), public intoxication, felony and misdemeanor obstruction of justice, and conspiracy to commit disorderly conduct.
Jones has also been tied to several drug busts, and the shooting of a bouncer outside a Las Vegas strip club.
Currently suspended for the Suckah Bowl due to his numerous infractions, Jones will have to watch the game from his couch at home, which also doubles up as a lap-dance couch for local patrons.
I am confident that Pacman will notch another arrest or perhaps even warrant a full-out raid on his residence, just to let the viewers at home know that he is pure, 100% Suckah material.
K: Sebastian Janikowski
Since arriving from Poland, this man has been nothing but a strong left leg and an even stronger legal nightmare for his various coaches.
He has been charged with bribing police officers, possessing and allegedly using the date-rape drug GHB, assault, vandalism, tampering with evidence, and twice driving under the influence, once with a blood-alcohol level of twice the legal limit. I mean, is there anything this guy can’t do!!
His various infractions have earned him legendary special teams status entering the Suckah Bowl. Beware the Polack, he might be tampering with your Suckah Bowl spread or slipping a roofie in your beer as you read this.
And so concludes the first-ever edition of the All-Suckah Super Bowl Team. While this list of Suckahz certainly doesn't include all of the morally and legally corrupt, I'd like to think it does an adequate job of listing some of the most infamous Suckahz to patrol our sports landscape in recent years.
I hope you have enjoyed taking a stroll down Suckah Boulevard with me. And remember: always be sure to check your local media outlets daily, because you simply never know when, or in what manner, a brand new Suckah will emerge on the scene with a fresh, spanking-new array of deliciously heinous charges.
Lock your doors and hide your children, the Suckah Bowl is about to begin!!
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