In the not so distant past, a group of friends and I were trying to think up a perfect word to define today’s legal, moral, and professional class of unruly degenerates.
You know, the guys who pop up on ESPN News for all the wrong reasons: assault, battery, possession of narcotics, resisting arrest, possession of a handgun, driving while intoxicated….you get the idea.
In today’s landscape of sports entertainment, you don’t have to hunt far and wide nor dig too deep to find a recent instance of criminal activity or moral ineptitude.
After much debate, we settled on the word “Suckah”. This stems from an infamous statement from the one and only Adam “Pacman” Jones, in which he called some of his numerous accusers “Suckahz." This term needed a definitional framework to truly enter our vocabulary with any real meaning.
Enter Will Norton’s dictionary of make-believe terms:
Suckah (pronunciation: suck-ahh), plural usage = Suckahz.
Definition: An individual, usually one with limited formal education or certified training and one who is often involved in professional athletics or entertainment, who engages in highly unlawful, immoral activities, mostly involving illicit drugs, lewd sexual conduct, or weaponry. Also, there is a likelihood that a lengthy (or legendary) criminal record and/or jail time in his past exists. The term can also be used to describe a type of specified behavior, of which the previous noted behavioral trends are implicit.
And so, with Super Bowl XLII only nine pain-staking, media-crazy days away, I thought this might be a perfect time to unveil the first ever Suckah Bowl team. Several arrests or, at the very least, multiple run-ins with the law are inherent traits of this legally and morally inept dream team.
Without further ado, I give you the first ever All-Suckah Super Bowl!
QB: Mike Vick
Although Mr. Vick has only had one real scuffle with the law, given the circumstances of his charges and the fame of his career, he is the easy choice under center in the Suckah Bowl. Vick is currently serving 23 months in prison on charges of conspiring to travel in interstate commerce in aid of unlawful activities and conspiring to sponsor a dog in an animal-fighting venture.
Needless to say, the activities that led up to Vick’s indictment, arrest, and sentencing are of the highest Suckah nature. Imagine the individuals taking part in the dog fighting ring? Fellow Suckahz, I’m sure.
RB: Travis Henry
12 comments Last one added about 1 year ago — Leave a Comment
Anonymous about 1 year ago
priceless, lets hear it for pro football
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Anonymous about 1 year ago
can marv albert announce the game?
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Andrew Kneeland about 1 year ago
Or Bert Blyleven...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjyKHGew0FI
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Drew Barton about 1 year ago
Awesome piece. Very funny and brings up some great memories. I believe, however, the Rome show had the best line for Mr. Davenport: "He grew a tail". Continuing the saga, if I recall correctly, that was the wise way Najeh had of convincing his ex-girlfriend they needed to get back together. I am sure that worked well...
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Alice Meikle about 1 year ago
This is the winning entry. Believe me I had the outline I was missing the words for this article.
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Michael Bolding about 1 year ago
heres somthing extra for Mr. Vick. A while back in he was tested for HIV and other STD's. He went under the name Ron Mexico and tested positive for herpes or somthing like that. make sure you go and add his nick name. LOL. great article i almost spit out my coke when i read the baby's mama to baby's mama drama part.
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PackSmack about 1 year ago
Great story! It's about time someone held a standard out that reveals what small men these punks really are. I won't put an addendum on to this by citing that their coach should be Mr. Belichick because I don't want to hijack your righteous thread with senseless defensiveness by the Patriot justifiers. So I won't add that. Outstanding piece, very well-said.
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Anonymous about 1 year ago
Can't wait to hear the announcement of an NFL draft choice as "taken with the first pick, from the streets of Los Ageles, a member of the Crips, who has already served his time etc...."
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Educated Bet about 1 year ago
You should do an all time suckahz Nfl all-star team. Featuring O.J. ,Jim Brown- tossing girlfriend out the window, lou The Toe Grossa for same offense as Brown. I must regress.
Peace...Iron Mike
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Zander Freund about 1 year ago
Don't forget Dave Megett for throwing a prostitute down a flight of stairs...
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Seth Doria about 1 year ago
How about Leonard Little at DE? He actually killed somebody while drunk driving, then actually got another DUI a couple years later. Now there's a Suckah!
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Will Norton about 1 year ago
Oh crap...I knew I forgot someone! Leonard should definitely be on that list.
As I was writing it I was thinking how many different ways you could take it....all-time, all-defense, all-legendary. I mean, I wanted to throw in Rae Carruth and Eugene Robinson, but I thought going with ex-players for this particular article would be somewhat incongruent.
I could have gone on and on with this stuff though....truly hilarious/pathetic.
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