Suckah Bowl XLII: A Dream-Team of Misfits, Degenerates, and Social Parasites

In the not so distant past, a group of friends and I were trying to think up a perfect word to define today’s legal, moral, and professional class of unruly degenerates.

You know, the guys who pop up on ESPN News for all the wrong reasons: assault, battery, possession of narcotics, resisting arrest, possession of a handgun, driving while intoxicated….you get the idea.

In today’s landscape of sports entertainment, you don’t have to hunt far and wide nor dig too deep to find a recent instance of criminal activity or moral ineptitude.

After much debate, we settled on the word “Suckah”. This stems from an infamous statement from the one and only Adam “Pacman” Jones, in which he called some of his numerous accusers “Suckahz." This term needed a definitional framework to truly enter our vocabulary with any real meaning.

Enter Will Norton’s dictionary of make-believe terms:

Suckah (pronunciation: suck-ahh), plural usage = Suckahz.

Definition: An individual, usually one with limited formal education or certified training and one who is often involved in professional athletics or entertainment, who engages in highly unlawful, immoral activities, mostly involving illicit drugs, lewd sexual conduct, or weaponry. Also, there is a likelihood that a lengthy (or legendary) criminal record and/or jail time in his past exists. The term can also be used to describe a type of specified behavior, of which the previous noted behavioral trends are implicit.

And so, with Super Bowl XLII only nine pain-staking, media-crazy days away, I thought this might be a perfect time to unveil the first ever Suckah Bowl team. Several arrests or, at the very least, multiple run-ins with the law are inherent traits of this legally and morally inept dream team.

Without further ado, I give you the first ever All-Suckah Super Bowl!

 
QB: Mike Vick

Although Mr. Vick has only had one real scuffle with the law, given the circumstances of his charges and the fame of his career, he is the easy choice under center in the Suckah Bowl. Vick is currently serving 23 months in prison on charges of conspiring to travel in interstate commerce in aid of unlawful activities and conspiring to sponsor a dog in an animal-fighting venture.

Needless to say, the activities that led up to Vick’s indictment, arrest, and sentencing are of the highest Suckah nature. Imagine the individuals taking part in the dog fighting ring? Fellow Suckahz, I’m sure.

 
RB: Travis Henry

Mmmmm, let’s see here; not only does Travis “The Father” Henry have nine children from nine different women, he also fails to pay child support for said children. Henry has encountered two run-ins in the past 12 months with the law and the NFL for marijuana use. This man is more than ready to take 25-30 hits, er, hand-offs in the Suckah Bowl.

Quick question Dad, how you planning on handling tickets for the Suckah Bowl? Nine different sets of two tickets placed strategically across the stadium in order to minimize baby's mama-to-baby's mama contact? What a dicey situation...

 
FB: Najeh Davenport

This a special nomination, one that I won’t permit for any other member of the Suckah Bowl team. But special acts of absolute scum-filled behavior call for a special set of circumstances, so I am making an exception for my personal King of lewd conduct.

During his rookie year in the NFL, Davenport was arrested in Miami for...hold on, let me collect myself here…defecating in the closet of a freshman dorm!

According to police, Davenport crept into a dorm room at Barry University in Miami around 6 a.m. on April 1, 2002. A woman sleeping in the room told police she was startled by a strange sound and saw Davenport squatting in her closet. Davenport then allegedly defecated in a laundry basket.

This is just absolutely classic, prototypical Suckah behavior. Najeh paved the way and set the bar high for Suckah behavior back in ’02, and now he can pave the way for the Suckahz' running game in the Suckah Bowl. What a legend.

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