Nebraska Football: Cornhuskers Join a Conference of Cheaters

(The B1G Conference. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.)

Welcome to another issue of the Husker Hotwire, the sometimes-weekly, sometimes-funny look at Husker athletics!

People have complained for years about the SEC being the home of the biggest cheaters in college sports. Obviously, that''s no longer the case. After all, we've just gone through an entire summer of hearing about the troubles of Ohio State, the flagship school of the B1G Conference.

Memorabilia exchanged for money, free cars, free tattoos, autograph signing for cash, and lying about it all to preserve star players' eligibility look to land the Buckeyes on the NCAA's long-term naughty list.

But now Ohio State isn't alone. On Tuesday, Nebraska announced a self-imposed probation of two years, along with a fine of $28,000. Just four days after joining the B1G Conference, NU revealed that 181 athletes received improper benefits, and that 57 athletes were ineligible as a result of those improper benefits.

Big-time corruption, right? Surely this kind of cavalier attitude towards the rules will land Nebraska in the worst kind of trouble, forcing them to take down banners and drift into obscurity, right?

Hotwire staff members, both giddy at the thought of an exciting story and terrified that actual work might now have to be done, looked further into Nebraska's lawbreaking ways.

Nebraska's scholarship athletes receive their textbooks as part of their scholarship. And apparently, the Nebraska bookstore had been adding in "recommended" textbooks in addition to the "required" textbooks for each class.

Those extra books, which had to be returned after the class was over and couldn't be sold, were not permitted under NCAA rules. Athletes who received more than $100 of extra books had to repay the school before they could regain their eligibility.

So, there you have it. A culture of cheating is now clearly part of the B1G fabric. Columbus is awash in free cars and cash. Lincoln is awash in ... textbooks. God only knows what we will find out next about college football's new wretched hive of scum and villainy.

BEEONEGEE CONFERENCE UPDATE

At the Husker Hotwire, we are committed to bring you ongoing coverage of Nebraska's new conference home. Badger Hotwire reports that noted wet-blanket KC Joyner of ESPN is saying that new quarterback Russell Wilson might not make Wisconsin a lock for the BCS title game.

According to Joyner, Wilson's statistics showed he was a middle-of-the-road quarterback in an average ACC, so to expect him to vault Wisconsin immediately to an undefeated season is unrealistic.

This kind of level-headed, objective analysis is distressing to the Hotwire, as there is no real way to be pithy and sarcastic in response.

So, we'll just resort to calling him an egghead and an elitist who doesn't understand the "heart and soul" of a football game in an attempt to ignore the obvious and reasonable conclusions he draws.

AROUND THE HOTWIRE NETWORK

Duck Hotwire reports relief around Eugene. Yes, Oregon paid $25,000 to Willie Lyles for "recruiting information" that ESPN.com's Ted Miller referred to as "comically useless and outdated." Yes, Lyles had a strong relationship with Lache Seastrunk, a prized running back.

Yes, Seastrunk happened to sign for Oregon after the $25,000 was paid. But it's pretty clear that Oregon didn't give Seastrunk a rare pair of Jordan tennis shoes. So, problem solved, right?

Owl Hotwire reports that Temple is feeling confident that they will soon be members of the Big East Conference. Because, you know, it worked out so well the last time Temple was a Big East member. The Big East still has an automatic BC$ bid, right?

Bearcat Hotwire reports that backup quarterback Chazz Anderson will be transferring to Buffalo, and will be able to play immediately. Hey, it's the first week of July! What do you expect in terms of college football news? Besides, how cool of a first name is Chazz?

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