Mike Quade: Top 5 Jobs That the Chicago Cubs Manager Can Fall Back On

Mike Quade is officially on the hot seat.

The Cubs dropped to 35-52 with a loss to the Nationals Tuesday night, the second worst record in all of baseball.  The Cubs certainly have better than second to last talent on their roster, so naturally, much blame will fall on the manager.

Quade is a good guy, and a lot of people like him, but managing might not be his thing.  His lineup cards continually leave Cubs fans scratching their heads, and his inability to manage his pitching staff is somewhat maddening. 

Though he isn’t as open about it, at times, Quade shows flashes of Lou Pinella-like cluelessness.

If Quade does get canned at some point this season or next, he’ll certainly land on his feet.  But there are a few jobs that we think the 54-year-old would excel at.

5. Lottery Ball Picker

This job doesn’t take much experience, but whatever experience it does require, Quade has already. 

Quade knows all about randomness and losing. 

As he picks the ping pong balls out of the machine, he can tell viewers how the numbers are completely random, just like his lineup cards, and can consul them when they come up short.

4. Softball Coach

This would be a good fit.  Quade doen’t have a clue how long to leave a pitcher in and when to take one out.  In softball, he wouldn’t have to worry about that.

Just pick a pitcher.  Put her on the mound.  Sit back and relax. 

Quade wouldn’t ever have to leave a pitcher in too long again or take out a pitcher who is cruising. 

Think about how much more time Quade would have to shuffle and reshuffle his batting order if he didn’t have to worry about pitching.

3. Houston Astros Manager

The Astros are the only team in baseball with a worse record than the Cubs.

Maybe Quade can turn them around too. 

2. Used Car Salesman

Quade loves nostalgia.  He has no problem trotting out old-timers like Doug Davis, Rodrigo Lopez and Ramon Ortiz no matter how bad they look.

Maybe Quade would enjoy taking the same care for cars that people think are long past their prime. 

He knows better.  They might not go as fast as they use too, but they still deserve a home, just as some of baseball’s seniors have found a home with Quade’s Cubs.

1. Politician

Somehow Quade did it.  Somehow, he convinced a billionaire businessman and an entire multi-million dollar organization that he would be the best choice to manage their team. 

He’d managed the Cubs to a winning record in a low-pressure situation, and the players “like him.”  That was all it took.  Remarkable.

Like many politicians, Quade believed what he was selling but just couldn’t deliver.  He’d fit right in on Capitol Hill. 

Quade also has another government taboo down pat: double standards. 

Remember when Quade called out Starlin Castro for not hustling but forgot to notice that Aramis Ramirez hasn’t run out a ground ball since 2004?  Yep.  Perfect fit. 

Meet your new representative America.  Let's hope he doesn’t manage your money like his baseball team.