"Doctor Williams here."
Doctor, your team is on collapse watch.
"I was afraid of this. Get me 25 points of offense!"
Are they going to make it, doctor?
"Dammit, Jim. I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker!"
(awakens screaming in a cold sweat)
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH MY TAR HEELS?!
Is this you? Have you felt that the North Carolina Tar Heels men's and women's basketball programs have collapsed of late? Don't worry, you're not alone in your feelings. There are thousands of fellow fans scratching their heads from Chapel Hill to the remote corners of the universe.
And there's help. We're holding group seminars at local establishments to watch and pray for our beloved Tar Heels. Tournament time is right around the corner, and we need to gather in song and dance, in beer and wings, in white and in blue to express our feelings. Once we understand the problem we can move on to the solution. I'm waiting for Doctor Williams to identify the problem, but I have the solution:
Beat Duke's ass. (Forget the Lacrosse team stuff... here is a place we can attack Duke!)
Yes, the first step in moving back to full health will be a full-fledge ass-whupping of the lackeys in Durham. Unfortunately, the women don't have this option. They'll have to move straight on to phase two of the program:
Win the ACC Tournament.
Yes, in record it would seem that Virginia and their Hokey friends across the state are going to best us for the regular season. Therefore it is time to quit Willy Fu-Fuing around and take them down in the Conference Tourney. Only then can we dance.
Dance our asses to the Final Four.
Let's be realistic here, friends. Dick Vitale is as close to God as you're going to get in college basketball. He's one merit badge short of the Dean himself. And Dicky V picked the Tar Heels to win the Championship this year. That should give optimism to us all.
But alas, our team is young, and is still learning under Coach Williams. Only under his wisdom, guidance and our support will the Heels realize their density, er, destiny. They may go down in the Sweet 16 this year, or next. But they will make the Final Four in two of the next three years (this included). And they WILL win another Championship to grace the Dean Dome with.
So go now. Go now and rally the troops. For when it may seem that all is for naught while at the doorstep of greatness, we shall persevere. We shall never surrender!
And by Michael Jordan, it shall be the Tar Heels' finest hour.