Super Bowl Moved From Arizona—New Location Revealed

People do a lot of things on Super Bowl Sunday they wouldn’t normally do. 

Drink too much? Yeah. Bet on football? Maybe just this game. Twist a fatty and sneak it in while the wife’s not paying attention? Damn right! I understand all of these game day practices, and will probably get around to all of them.

But there is one Super Bowl favorite that baffles me—guacamole.

I’ll guarantee you I’m taking a pass when that putrid, gut-wrenching, American favorite known as guacamole hits the table.

For the love of God, can someone please explain to me America’s overwhelming game day fascination with this slimy, green, edible wallpaper paste? 

I’ll grant you this. If you hide a little bit in a burrito the stuff’s not bad. A little bit! Half a teaspoon—maybe.

I did some checking on this and for some reason—unknown to the CIA, Harvard think tanks and several Mexican intelligence agencies—Americans consume eight million pounds of this south-of-the–border concoction on our holiest of football days.

Eight million pounds! You’ve got to let the enormity of that number roll around in your head. 

Try to picture what an eight million pound pile of guacamole looks like. I’ve changed a few diapers in my time, but not eight million pounds worth!  

As of July 2007, the population of the United States was roughly 301 million.  I’m sure there’s a few in that number who feel the same as me and won’t go near the stuff, even if they did manage to sneak that fatty in. Throw in 106 football players that won’t have any before the game and we might have 300 million eligible participants in this gastronomic form of intestinal genocide.

Take this one step further and throw out the infirmed, incarcerated, incapacitated, children who won't touch anything green and people who just plain don't like the stuff and that number plumets to about two million in a hurry.

I’m a public high school grad (barely) and even I figured this works out to around four pounds for every man, woman and child in this great nation.

Would you eat a 48-ounce egg roll? Hell, no! A four-pound potato? That’s about as big as the Lombardi Trophy! But somehow eight million pounds of this stuff sneaks past the taste buds of indiscriminating residents of the Estados Unidos? Unbelievable.

If you factor in babies born that day and you'd have to cram half their body weight in guacamole down their throat before they even have their first breast-feeding! A one-hundred pound woman has to gag back four percent of her body weight just to keep up with the American quota.

Figure it this way, 20 of your closest friends come over for a little Super Bowl party. So, you'll need, counting yourself, 84 pounds of avocado puree—chips not included.  I can't even calculate how many bags of Tostitos that is!

The name guacamole comes from Mexican Spanish via Nahuatl ahuacamolli, from ahuacatl (avocado or literally "testicle" because of its shape) and molli (sauce). After finding this on Wikipedia, I think it's explained my aversion to avocados.

Certainly though, if you're a big fan of testicle sauce, who am I to judge?

Eventually, friends and family will depart and the sun will rise in the east, just like every other day. And if you’ve played your part in the great guacamole battle, right after that first cup of coffee, you’ll find out there's a whole new meaning to "Super Bowl"—and it isn’t in Arizona!