It would seem it’s goodbye for another off-season, dear readers. How we all made it this far is anyone’s guess.
With a pitiful regular season, wagering wise, down the toilet, the Liver made up a little ground with the playoffs but, ultimately, not enough for him to avoid watching the Super Bowl from the window of a Best Buy somewhere.
Instead of getting into the game itself, which, let’s be honest, is usually an anticlimactic disappointment, I feel it necessary to warn you fans of the ten most annoying Super Bowl guests one can encounter on Super Bowl Sunday.
First, as many of you reading this will probably attest, it gives one migraines to watch a game with a bunch of people who, for the most part, haven’t bothered to watch ONE GAME all year. Super Bowl Sunday, for real football fans, is like New Year’s Eve for alcoholics. All the amateurs are running around like they know what they’re doing or saying and consequently ruin the experience for the real fan or alcoholic.
Here's the list of the top ten most annoying Super Bowl party guests:
- The so-called fan, usually a woman, who has NO CLUE what’s happening and proceeds to bombard you with brilliant queries such as: “Why don’t they score more?”, “Why don’t they kick more?”, “What is the QB doing behind the big fat guy at the line?”, and my favorite…”Why is it only the QB can throw the ball?”
- Another female party guest, sorry ladies, but it’s true, that has to dress so provocatively, get so drunk and be way too flirty that her boyfriend/husband is eyeballing every other straight guy present. He will probably pick a fight with some guy before the evening’s out. This usually happens at halftime.
- Fans, and here I mean guys, that claim to be big fans of one of the teams playing, but that you can expose inside of 5 minutes of serious football talk for being the bandwagon bastard that he is. Usually, this happens during the National Anthem. Typically such a moron will throw out brilliant coaching strategies for his team like, “How bout a QB sneak?” on third and ten from inside their own five. You can spot them by noticing each guy that has a BRAND NEW JERSEY of his QB that has never been worn. The more worn out the jersey is, the better chance you have of finding a real football fan.
- That girl, sorry again ladies, that is there just for the betting grids and gambling action and spends the entire game TALKING! What is she saying? “I know nothing about this game, but I always pick winners.” Typically this is when I say, “Then move to Vegas or shut the fuck up.”
- The couple that gets into a fight over how drunk the man is. If I wanted drama, I’d watch network television. The girl retreats to a gaggle of girls to spout off while the drunk puts his arm around you and points out that: a) Women suck; and b) He’s going to be having sex by himself tonight after the game. Typically, he’ll then ask if you want to do a shot with him, then go puke in the bushes or in someone’s drink.
- The couple that brings their infant child to the party and thinks it’s cute to watch him/her crawl up to the TV screen. They then take pictures WHILE THE GAME IS GOING ON. This is then followed by, “Who wants to help us change little INSERT NAME HERE’S diaper.
- The overly drugged out guy or girl that tries to “pump everyone up” by slipping Ecstasy in their drinks. If I wanted to roll, I’d still be going to raves.
- The fan that relives his high school football days in graphic detail WHILE THE GAME IS GOING ON and makes you realize that there are a lot of Uncle Ricos out there in the world.
- Guys with rally caps on. It was old in college.
- The fan that triumphantly announces at halftime, with the score tied 21-21, “We’re winning this game.” Notice how few women are around this guy.
- Dishonorable Mention (Haven’t encountered this guy yet but I’m sure I will this year.) The so-called Boston sports fan who loves all Boston teams (must be rough), yet has NO connection whatsoever to the region, either by birth OR family. Typically, when you ask them how long they’ve been Boston-crazy, the answer in years is in single digits. Funny how that time frame matches the Patriots and the Red Sox winning multiple championships. This guy will end up with my boot up his ass and a well-deserved exit from the premises.