Hello everybody and welcome back to the second edition of the WWE's weekly news. My name is Ben Gartland, detective of the dirt sheets, here to bring you up to date on all of the happenings in the world of professional wrestling.
For the record, this is all satire and meant to be funny. Any material that offends you is not on purpose, but funny all the same.
Let's get started!
After scratching their heads at another deplorable episode of Impact Wrestling, an IWC member came to the revelation of why fans still watch Impact Wrestling.
This anonymous member came to the conclusion that the IWC still watches TNA so that they can still tolerate the crap that the WWE comes out with.
"It's so obvious now!" The fan said. "I can't believe no one has thought of it before."
After spreading the word about it, more fans are expected to tune in to Thursday night's episode of Impact, just to see if it makes the WWE look better.
When asked about how this new discovery will change the business, Eric Bischoff proceeded to call me an ignorant smark who doesn't know anything about the wrestling business.
WWE officials were surprised to learn that someone actually tuned in to last weeks edition of WWE NXT.
Even more surprising was the fact that the online member stayed on WWE.com the entire time of the show, watching the entire event.
Since NXT was moved online, the ratings for NXT have been an average of zero per month. The one viewer reportedly almost broke the server by tuning in.
"It's remarkable." WWE announcer Tony Chimel said. "We thought everyone just believed NXT to be over."
WWE officials will be watching closely next week to see if the watcher returns for a second week, or if it was just a fluke.
Lately there have been rumors floating around that former Divas' Champion Jilian Hall will be returning to the WWE. Sources can now confirm that this is true.
There is one catch however. She is not allowed to sing. At all. Any mention of her singing will result in her immediate suspension.
"She's a great performer and a great attribute to the Diva's division." A WWE creative team member said. "If she would just learn to shut her damn mouth she would be a five time champ by now."
There is no timetable for her return, but Hall is reportedly practicing mouth closing exercises in order for her to return and stay.
As of press time, Hall is the only Diva warned not to keep their mouth open.
A recent breakthrough has found the reason why WWE superstar Rey Mysterio has been having problems with his knees, sources have confirmed.
According to the medical team, Rey Mysterio's ego has grown to the point where it actually adds weight to Mysterio himself. This added weight to Mysterio's tiny body has had a negative effect on his knees, therefore making him slower in the ring.
Unfortunately there is nothing to do about this problem. Medical experts have confirmed that there is no stopping Mysterio's ego from growing. According to the experts, his ego will just continue to grow until he is eventfully crushed under it's weight.
"It's really a sad situation." One of the doctors said. "His ego gets bigger and bigger each second, and there's nothing we can do to slow it down, let alone stop it."
Doctors have given Mysterio about 2 more years before his ego stops him from wrestling, and 10 more until it crushes him completely.
Total Nonstop Action Wrestling declared that they will be shutting down their company within the month due to lack of storyline ideas.
This sudden declaration has been blamed on a fire at TNA headquarters that destroyed TNA's copies of old WCW tapes.
"Without those tapes we don't have any ideas for feuds or storylines," a TNA creative member said. "We can't go any further."
No word yet on whether any TNA wrestlers will be jumping ship to mid-card hell (WWE) or if they will go to ROH or an Indy promotion.
Many IWC members were displeased at this news, stating that they don't know how they will tolerate the WWE now.
Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. If you enjoyed it, you should give me "props," if you catch my drift.
As always: Don't forget to be awesome.