The 25 Rumors I Wish I Could Start

Nick LiljaCorrespondent IOctober 29, 2008

While I cross formats into the online realm, I feel the need to bring something with me. Horrid grammar aside, I hate lists. Well I should be a little more specific, I hate that I write lists. People love lists. People need to compartmentalize. I don’t stop them, in fact, I encourage them—and it pains me.

But I started this list about two years ago and have kept it going in memory of my close and personal friend, Colt Murray.

So, the 25 rumors, I wish I could start are…

  1. Carolina Panther quarterback, Matt Moore, once offered to buy me a beer saying, “it’s all water under the bridge.”
  2. Presidential hopefuls John McCain and Barack Obama are both die-hard Cincinnati Bengals fans.
  3. Bob Knight has signed a contract to return to coaching. He will be the new head coach of the Newburgh Owls—a D-III school in northeastern Montana. The school currently has a 73-game losing streak and has only won three of the last 157.
  4. The “hit” show, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is being sued by MLB Commissioner, Bud Selig, for false advertising.
  5. Speaking of Selig, Chiefs Herm Edwards called Selig after the 2002 MLB All-Star game outraged with the commissioner’s decision to end the game with no winner. He was later quoted as saying, “You play to win the game.”
  6. Portland center, Greg Oden, is made of Balsa wood.
  7. Meanwhile, Penn State’s Joe Paterno is made of steel.
  8. A few decades ago, a failing divorce lawyer in New York created a program called fantasy football to boost his business. His name is Donald Trump.
  9. Nascar is a sport.
  10. Rev. Jesse Jackson has started to petition the NFL. Jackson believes Charger defensive coordinator Ted Cottrell was fired because Head Coach Norv Turner is a bigot. Jackson says Turner is prejudice against people with a better resume.
  11. I usually agree with Rev. Jesse Jackson.
  12. Fox Sports reporter Danyelle Sargent is related to Mike Tyson. That explains why every time America stops talking about her, she does something else phenomenally stupid.
  13. Fred Glass was hired as the Athletic Director of Indiana. Oh, wait.
  14. North Carolina star, Tyler Hansbrough is a level 37 mage in World of Warcraft, a wind-up bartending robot in Second Life and hates Dungeons and Dragons.
  15. Tiger Woods drives a 1991 Buick LeSabre.
  16. When President Bush was recently asked about the use of A.I. for life-saving surgeries the President replied, “Well, he did go to Georgetown.”
  17. Sarah Palin thinks the NHL is just as fun to watch today as it was 10 years ago.
  18. The not-devil Rays players call manager, Joe Maddon “turducken” for short.
  19. Cleveland’s LeBron James and Portland’s Greg Oden hang out during the off-season. They don’t play video games or one-on-one, though. They try to see how old they can look.
  20. Jets quarterback, Brett Favre is not comfortable in Wrangler.
  21. Lil’ Jon is going to make a new album that is strictly audio cuts of post-game press conferences from the MLB, NBA, and NFL. He is going to put it over an 808 kick drum and a crazy synthesizer.
  22. If a woodchuck could chuck wood, it would chuck five pieces of wood.
  23. MMA is a sport.
  24. The NCAA is moving March madness back a week and will now be referred to as Mostly March Madness or simply, mmm....
  25. PETA recently sued Gatorade for the use of “gator” on their bottles.