Breaking News From the Anfield Boardroom

Martin HuntContributor IOctober 29, 2008

The Liverpool board have informed Rafa Benitez that he will not get a penny for player purchases during the off season unless it will have a positive effect on the balance of the team.

Messrs Hicks and Gillett have held talks with both Benitez and Parry and insisted that the team must be both tactically balanced and also ethnically balanced. With the departure of John Arne Riise to Roma, the Liverpool board feel that the team will lack the "Ginger Factor" that they feel was the main reason for Manchester United's double winning side last season.

Players like Paul Scholes and Wes Brown having huge amounts of the "Ginger Factor," the Liverpool board feel that Manchester United already have an upper hand next season and want this problem sorted at Anfield as quick as possible. They have even been heard talking about Liverpools glorious '70s when they had a Supersub by the name of David Fairclough who is thought to be the Original "Ginger Factor" player.

A wish list has been drawn up that contains players such as Dave Kitson, John Hartson, and want cheeky bids to be made for Wes Brown and Scholes from United. If the latter bids fail they have instructed Benitez to try and convince David Fairclough and Alexi Lalas to come out of retirement to help our cause.

Benitez is thought to be furious with the American owners and has been quoted as saying "These Yanks know nothing about football or fashion, it is obvious to even my seven year old daughter that Orange and Red seriously clash." Benitez, desperate for cash to strengthen his squad for a push for the League Title, has begrudgingly obliged his employers wishes and will reveal the signings of Fairclough along with the surprise signing of Gordan Strachen later this week.

This has enabled him to receive a larger transfer kitty, and has also, due to scouting reports from around the world, converted Benitez to the way of thinking of Hicks and Gillett, with more "Ginger Factor" players due to arrive at Anfield in the coming months. When Rick Parry was asked for his feelings on the new tactics for signing players to Liverpool he responded "Well everything was looking bad for awhile, no money available to strengthen, we were looking at players we simply couldn't afford—but now the future looks bright, the future looks orange."



Originally Posted at The Monkey's Office