We all know that Mike Leach cannot sit around all week patiently waiting for the game to come. We also know that he will keep it interesting, making sure to enjoy his time while the rest of the world stresses the importance of this game. I imagine his week will look something like this...
1. Start re-examining the treasure map he uses to find quarterbacks to run his system.
This week, Mike Leach can take a bit of time, and start looking for his next quarterback to lead this Red Raiders team. Sure, he has Taylor Potts, Steven Sheffield, Stefan Loucks, and Jacob Karam incoming, but those seem so plain. So, he will spice it up a bit i'm sure.
You've heard of Tim Tebow, haven't you? Good. Well, perhaps next year, Mike Leach will introduce you to Tito Tebow, Tim's Guatemalan half-brother. It has been said that his greatest asset is his ability to Salsa through a cluttered dance floor. Which means, you guessed it, Texas Tech may have their most mobile quarterback in recent memory coming in.
2. Write well-worded letter to "Pirates of the Caribbean" producers, asking to be included in the next movie.
We all know that Mike Leach loves pirates, perhaps a little too much. So doesn't it seem logical that he would try to research and interact with them as much as possible? Johnny Depp may not be Blackbeard, but I'm sure even Mike has to admire how he is able to get so close to Kiera Knightley...Now that is some pirate "booty" Mike should pursue!
3. Visit local Academy in search of new, no-itch Texas Tech polo shirt.
Last weekend was the first time all season that Mike didn't look itchy in his shirt. Sure, you could say that it has been the Red Raiders inconsistency that has made him squirm, but I'm thinking it may be the shirts.
While he's there, he may be on the lookout for new Under Armour moisture-resistant shirts for Mark Mangino, that underbreast sweat last weekend needs to be improved. Although, perhaps it was the Tech offense making him sweat?
4. Stand in mirror and practice his facial expressions.
A recap of Mike Leach's facial expression goes a little something like this.
Stopped on fourth down- :-l
Big game win- :-l
Big game loss- :-l
Hey Coach, You're QB is just a "System Quarterback"- :-l, followed by "stfu moron"
It's good to see that he can keep himself calm, but I'm afraid that after Tech wins the game against Texas, he still won't change his expression. Forcing us all to wonder whether perhaps, he is a bit crazy.
5. Head over to Party City to get Halloween costumes for him and his team.
I'm thinking a combination of Blackbeard and Dr. Jekyll. Imagine the eye patch and beard of the famous pirate, mixed with the top hat and sharp suit from the Doctor. Perhaps a bit of face paint from Brandon Carter, and all is set. My favorites would be Eric Morris getting an elf costume, and Harrell covered in metallic paint, doing the Heisman pose all night.
6. Join Bleacher Report, see my undying support for him, and add me to the staff.
Unlikely, sure, but you underestimate the mind of a genius. He doesn't have time to read about all of the stupid BCS discussions and whatnot, so he'll spend time reading articles by me. After all, I just gave him the perfect idea for a Halloween costume, did I not?
7. Plan more halftime contests in hopes of eliminating recruiting completely. It worked with the kicker, why not the whole team?
Planned contests include, but are not limited to:
- Staring contest against Brandon Carter—You're the new D-Lineman
- Tackle Michael Crabtree in the open field...Without using your hands—You're the new cornerback.
- Convince Mike Leach why he shouldn't go for it on fourth down every time—You're the new punter!
Now that Leach knows that there is talent hiding everywhere, I can see him giving everyone in Lubbock a look...That guy who caught the t-shirt during halftime is looking like a four-star WR recruit.
8. Write a letter to all NFL teams, giving reasons not to draft that Crabtree kid they've been hearing so much about.
Dear Cincinnati Bengals,
Sure, Michael Crabtree is good, but psh, why would you want him? He is a perfect role model for the youth of today. He won't get arrested, change his name for publicity, or even drop passes every game, definitely not the type of guy you're looking for.
Michael Leach (Attorney at Law)
After all, don't we want him back next year?
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