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MMA: 28 Reasons We'd Love to Have Dana White's Job

Jonathan ShragerCorrespondent IOctober 10, 2016

MMA: 28 Reasons We'd Love to Have Dana White's Job

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    Charlie may be funny alright, but Dana always seems to have the last laugh

    Charlie may be funny all right, but Dana always seems to have the last laugh

    Dana White is perfectly encapsulated by the following alliteration; Bald Bonce, Beer-Belly, Brawler-Boss, Brash Businessman, Big Balls, Big Bucks (any more double-Bs related to the Baldfather, please let us know in the comments section).

    The marketing savvy and ingenuousness evidenced by the UFC head honcho in his Vlogs is discussed in my recent piece on “Why MMA Is Becoming More Appealing Than Boxing.”

    Indeed, you will be hard pushed to identify another global sport in which followers are permitted such an insight into its competing personalities as MMA.

    This is best epitomised by Dana, the frontman of the entire operation and the unequivocal face of the Mixed Martial Arts, who proactively and consciously represents the sport at all available opportunities.

    Dana constantly uploads video blogs (vlogs) which chronicle his quotidian activities, particularly leading up to and during major events. When was the last time Don King, or Oscar de la Hoya granted the fans such backstage access into their dealings?

    Señor White even has a doll (though he would be quick to assert that it’s actually an “action figurine”) dedicated to him. Drawing upon the same comparison, do Don King and ODLH boast statuettes? And even if they did, would anyone purchase them?

    Whilst polarising opinion amongst certain fans, fighters and media men, the preponderance would confess an admiration for the likable CEO. Whilst cynics might detect ulterior motives, he seems to be a genuinely decent bloke and generally appears to look out for the best interests of the fighters and the sport as a whole.

    I shall conclude this point with the "humble" opinion of Sean McCorkle, “To all of you that ask me what Dana is like, he's pretty much exactly like you see him on his video logs. Definitely the coolest and most down to earth dude worth a couple hundred million bucks you'll ever meet.”

    However, this article purports to demonstrate the grand nature of Dana’s existence, rather than a character assessment per se.

    follow me on Twitter @jonathanshrager

MMA Porn: Dana’s Vlogs

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    Dana has it tough, real tough

    Dana has it tough, real tough

    The immensity of Dana's life/”job” is perfectly captured within his vlogs, those five-ten minute snippets of unadulterated delectation which remind us just how straightforward it is to “live the dream” if you happen to stumble across the world’s next sporting phenomenon (now that MMA has been monopolised, and Curling is confined to the Olympics, is the catalogue of prospective global sports now exhausted?).

    Echoing the sentiments of “Big Sexy,” I personally like Dana, I find him affable and endearing. Of course, he has his moments, but then again he is an inherently-flawed human being just like the rest of us, the principal difference being that his every word and action is heavily scrutinised.

    I particularly relish witnessing a man who is evidently enjoying himself, in his element, expressing an unmistakable “joie de vivre.” Of course “haters gon’ hate”, but I find his outspoken personality and outrageous lifestyle highly entertaining. And given that his vlogs receive hundreds of thousands of views, it would appear that I am not part of the minority.

    It’s the escapism quality afforded by the vlogs which really appeal; it’s akin to watching a real-life version of “Entourage”, witnessing someone living what most MMA-community members would perceive to be the dream.

    Yeah, sure, the hedonistic sources differ slightly, with Vinny Chase chasing (and inevitably catching) skirt all day, whilst Dana’s satisfaction is derived from another carnal pleasure, namely fighting (and food judging by his paunch).

    These are the most basic of all human behaviours (fornication, feasting, fighting) and nobody does it better than Vinny Chase and Dana White (ok, maybe Ron Jeremy deserves a shout-out too at this juncture).

    For those five/ten minutes, it’s difficult not to get drawn into “Dana’s world”, to not drift away and be enchanted by this vastly different cosmos to the one that us mere mortals experience on a daily basis.

    Yeah, I’m sure he also has similar elements of a humdrum existence as us fans, dropping the kids off to school or watching the TV, but in the interim he also gets to spearhead the world’s fastest-growing, coolest sport. Ah, I wish I was bald(er) and fat(ter).

    I shall now enumerate, in no particular order, the multiple marvellous elements of which Dana’s reality comprises. Sit back and enjoy, and please let us know in the comments section if there any more redeeming features to Dana’s universe that haven’t been mentioned, if it is even possible that there are any more.

1. The Opportunity to Goof Around with Your Childhood Friends All Day

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    Rooftop golf with the boys...A sure sign of a good time

    This type of endless stream of banter is the ultimate desire of any male, since it at least appears that you don’t ever have to fully grow up. Let's be honest, who doesn't want to hit golf balls off a roof in Vegas whilst on a photo shoot for one of the slickest existing magazines? 

    Coincidentally, the "Entourage" boys are also hitting golf balls off the roof into the hills of Hollywood during the Pilot episode. So, when you're next playing rooftop golf, just sit back and think "I made it."

2. The Freedom to Play Elaborate Pranks

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    You need to have eyes in the back of your head around this prankster

    A continuation of the previous theme, Dana is the boss and can prank/”punk” anyone at any time he so wishes.

    Dana’s behaviour is particularly jovial in light of the fact that this vlog was filmed a matter of days prior to the organisation’s largest-ever scale event in Toronto, underscoring that even during a pressurised period, the UFC head honcho can “let his hair down” (so to speak).

    In this Vlog, Dana is seen turning a guy's office into a spoof child's nursery, encouraging all his staff to hang up pictures of a fellow colleague shirtless all around the office.

    And just for good measure, and to reinforce that Dana "does what he wants" (as Manchester United football fans famously chant at stadiums) he is also filmed bashing electric R/C cars around the office.

3. The Chance to Fine Dine Whenever You're Peckish

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    When not shooting adverts for global brands, you will probably find Dana eating at some establishment that only serves Kobe beef

    This is a pastime in which Dana evidently indulges. Indeed, his portly paunch and Rampage-esque weight-fluctuations give away Dana’s epicurean tendencies.

4. Access-All-Areas

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    Dana please, stop bringing that flippin' video camera into the shower area

    As evidenced in virtually every single Vlog, Dana goes and does what he wants when it comes to the UFC. 

    From front row seats for all the action, his backstage forays at an event or on-stage mediator performances during the weigh-ins, Dana’s access literally knows no parameters, though the fighters probably draw the line at being filmed in the shower.

    N.B. we are afforded a rare snippet of Dana’s family life in this Vlog.

5. Travel

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    That damn sand in my shoes again...I hate my job

    Dana follows the organisation worldwide, attending events in all corners of the universe. Josh Barnett recently quipped about his ambition to fight in outer-space in front of aliens, and at the exponential rate which the UFC is currently expanding, don’t be too surprised if UFC 234 takes place on Mars (you heard it here first folks).

    I have pinpointed this particular Vlog to illustrate the nomadic benefits of the job, since Dana finds himself on a beautiful beach in sunny Australia whilst ogling sexy Arianny in a skimpy bikini (all the adjectives were necessary to emphasize the perfection of the scenario).

    If that description does not sound like paradise, then you probably need to rethink your conceptions of Heaven.

6. Traveling in Style

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    No really, I'd like to donate some stairs to the Ali museum

    Not only does Dana get to visit every single continent in the world, and get treated like a demigod in each one, but he invariably transports himself and his cronies there in style, whether on a private jet in the air or being chauffeur-driven on the ground.

    Indeed, Messrs White, Fertitta et al are MMA’s modern-day version of the Ratpack. It won’t be long before Dana has installed his own Pinkberry onto his luxury jet.

    N.B. when Dana/Lorenzo joke about installing an elevator at the Muhammad Ali museum because they can’t be bothered tackling the stairs, they probably aren’t joking.

7. Special Privileges for Himself

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    Hey Nate, that Pau Gasol is annoying me tonight, trip him up for me, will ya?

    Courtside seats at any sporting event he wishes are the norm for Mr. White. In this Vlog, he’s essentially sat on the bench with a coaches’ vantage point of the ensuing action.

    Chatting to the players mid-game also doesn't appear to be out of the ordinary for the UFC president. Incidentally, I’m sure Dana wouldn’t want Doc Rivers shooting the breeze with his fighters in between rounds.

8. Invitations to the Inner Circle

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    It's amazing, you guys have read all these books and I'm still richer, and more influential, than all of you put together

    Very few outsiders are granted access to the Oxford Union Society, but Dana is one of the privileged minority.

    Just to contextualise the significance of Dana's appearance at the Society, it was founded in 1823, and is Britain's second oldest University Union, gaining a worldwide reputation for the cut and thrust of its debate, proving a valuable training ground for many future politicians from Britain and other countries.

    The Oxford Union has a long history of hosting international figures and celebrities. Previous guest speakers have included the Dalai Lama, Winston Churchill, Mother Teresa, former US Presidents Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan, US diplomat Henry Kissinger, and ironically former US Presidential nominee Sen. John McCain (who famously labelled MMA as "human cockfighting," and led an extensive campaign to ban UFC).

    Oh, and unbelievably, Ron Jeremy is another notable speaker that has addressed the Union (I honestly never thought I would be able to weave the name of a porn magnate twice into an MMA article).

9. Special Privileges for His Loved Ones and Associates

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    Yeah, it can be a real pain looking after the kids

    Arrr, the trappings of affluence and celebrity. The special privileges extend to those near and dear to Mr. White, especially his progeny. In a scene reminiscent of the film Richie Rich, Dana takes his littl'un to Rob Dyrdek's fantasy factory.

    This also represents yet a further opportunity for Dana to goof around himself under the pretense of "looking after the kids." This is the epitome of hyper-reality, the sort of perk exclusively afforded to those in the much-vaunted “IT crowd.”

10. Complacency Towards Perks

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    Front row...Whatever!!

    Dana is now so accustomed to cageside views that he spends most of his time tweeting and watching the screens (according to some of the farcical scoring, we can only presume the judges are doing the same thing).

    He is almost blasé about having his ass sat in literally the best seat in the house.

11. Hobnobbing with the Stars

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    Mike Tyson, making JDS look like a teddy bear since the 80s

    Dana kicks back with the coolest luminaries from all fields including film, TV, music, cinema, sport etc. Probably the best part from Dana's perspective is to fraternise with the likes of his teenage hero, Mike Tyson.

    Quick question; if Mike were in MMA, would he really want to nibble on cauliflower ears?

12. Being Filthy Rich

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    I just handed over “20 gheetas” to Snoop D-O-double gizzle...can't wait to do it again sometime

    It must be both enjoyable and satisfying to be rich enough to wantonly give away money with reckless abandon (e.g. ultimate fighter prizes)/place bets with ludicrous sums of money, and be seemingly delighted to hand over the fee when he loses.

    Have you ever seen anybody so ecstatic when “freeing” themselves of 20 thousand dollars? With an attitude like this, bailiffs could soon be made redundant.

13. Having a Monopoly

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    We don't do competition

    Dana has effectively created a monopoly within MMA by harnessing his sufficient financial clout to acquire and dissolve rival institutions, most notably Pride FC, WEC and most recently Strikeforce.

    Then, in the ultimate “yeah, I know I’m the man” display, he likes to sport a T-shirt of his new baby, just because he can.

14. The Ability and Willingness to Make Fans Very, Very Happy

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    Dana, the Pied Piper of MMA

    Name me a sport whose president tries to identify with the fans as much as Dana White?

    He is forever giving away free tickets and accommodating preposterous requests during Q&As. Such requests include sitting next to the ring girls, sitting next to Dana himself, going for dinner with Dana, hugging Chuck, filming his blogs, getting married in the octagon, walking out with the fighters, placing the belt around a fighter after the main event.

    Dana generally obliges and entertains even the most bizarre of requests, though I look forward to the day when a fan oversteps the mark with the agreeable CEO, just to determine where Dana’s limit lies.

    I envisage that a sure-fire way of having your UFC membership revoked would be to enquire as to whether you could make love to Arianny backstage after an event, something which Dana could probably authorise, though he does appear rather protective over his golden girl, a fact to which CagePotato will gladly attest.

15. The Desire to Give Back

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    Word of warning for Tito: He won't be for much longer if Bader beats you

    On a personal, micro level, Dana is reputedly a munificent character. A prime example of this altruism would be the auctioning off of his well-publicised ensemble of statement t-shirts in the name of charity (as an aside, it's also pretty cool that he can sport whatever attire he fancies to work).

    Check out CagePotato's homage to Dana's T-shirt collection:

    http://www.cagepotato.com/mma-photo-tribute-dana-whites-incredible-t-shirt-collection/

16. Wider Philanthropy

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    You gotta fight for your right to party...I mean, you gotta fight for the troops

    On a wider, organisational (macro) scale Dana has become a national hero to the nation’s heroes by investing in those that vie for the liberty of their country, with the "Fight for the Troops" events.

    This constitutes an astute piece of CSR on behalf of the UFC, given that the Octagon is often depicted as a microcosm of the battle-fields (though obviously a sport instead of life-threatening).

    The UFC even has several fighters with connections to the army, none more so than “The All-American” Brian Stann.

17. Cleaning Up Society

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    Hey Joe, we may need you in the Heavyweight Division soon if Roy Nelson won't get rid of his gut

    Dana currently spearheads a sport whose combatants and spectators are one-by-one ridding the universe of its social malaises. In his ability to positively influence society in such a fashion, Dana has indirectly become a Batman-like figure, with his disciples cleaning up New York City.

    The patent irony herein is that the state in and around these two acts of heroism (Joe Lozito single-handedly thwarting a serial murderer utilising manoeuvres subconsciously absorbed while watching UFC / JBJ apprehending a thief) perseveres with its prohibition of MMA.

    Dana himself jovially alluded to the social benefits of the sport post-128.

18. Artistic License with Profanity

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    Hello little dude, you're fu*kin' 2 years old today, that's f*ckin' great

    Dana has the latitude to swear like a pirate, sailor and trooper all at once, at anyone he chooses, whilst at work.

    In fact, this simile should be rejigged to state “to swear like a UFC exec”, because surely even the most blasphemous of pirates and sailors would hold back on the F-bombs every once in a while.

    Mr. White literally has "Carte Blanche" (French for literally “White Cheque”, and signifying "full powers") on expletives.

19. The Authority to Hire/Fire at Will

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    Piss him off at your peril

    The key upside to this is remaining safe in the knowledge that he is always negotiating from a position of power.

    It also ordinarily ensures that he always has the best fighters possible on the roster.

20. The Leeway to Comment Freely on Anyone and Anything

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    Yeah, you're right, I fully understand what you mean, but ultimately you'll do what I say anyway

    An extension of the previous benefit, Dana can readily laud or disparage fighters publicly as and when he sees fit.

    Invariably, Dana harbours ulterior motives on such occasions, either as a display of support for a fighter with whom he has had a rocky rapport or a specific altercation, or to coerce a fighter into improving his performances/accepting a fight towards which they do not appear receptive.

21. Receive Cuddles off the Toughest S.O.B.s on the Planet

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    There's nothing quite like the embrace of a 265-pound goliath

    Dana gets to hang out with (and even cuddle every now and then) the world’s self-proclaimed toughest S.O.B.s.

    Whilst Dana’s relationship with every single MMA fighter on planet earth (and if there are any MMA practitioners in outer-space, it’s likely that Dana has already tapped them up for when the organisation decides to transcend dimensions and penetrate another cosmos, no doubt probably before the UK next witnesses a live event), isn't exactly amicable, he has cultivated a positive rapport with 90 percent of them, especially following the Strikeforce purchase.

    This signifies that Dana could comport himself as the biggest douche ever, and still feel reassured that nobody will object to it.

    Bloodstain Lane must harbour some sort of death-wish when initiating Twitter wars with White, even threatening to gate-crash an event and damage the UFC exec.

    This sounds like harakiri to any rational human being, but evidently BSL is rather delusional.

22. To Be a Part of History

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    Basically what I did was, I pictured the Dallas Cowboys stadium and then imagined what it would look like on steroids

    Dana is nurturing the sport and organisation he loves during its incipient stages. MMA fans will remember him within time as the Walt Disney of MMA, the guy who started it all, and that’s some legacy to bequeath.

    Don’t be surprised to see a statue of the big man erected outside the MGM grand within decades to come, probably sporting a casual t and trademark grin.

    The above Vlog shows Dana making UFC history with their first-ever stadium event, also in new territory, hence breaking down even more barriers.

23. The Power to Make Happen Whatever He Wants

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    Jesus can turn water to wine...Jay Z can sell water to a well...that's nothing, Dana can arrange GSP vs Diaz

    As the first unification fight of the new Zuffa era, Diaz vs. GSP constitutes a great example. At the post-129 press conference, having just witnessed this seminal moment in MMA for the organisation he has helped flourish, the culmination of multiple years of relentless time, effort and energy invested on behalf of Dana, he assertively posits "I suppose I could do whatever I wanted to" (19.25 in the video). Surely this represents one of the best bits about the job?

24. Okay, Well Maybe Not Quite Everything

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    And if Bellator won't let me have Eddie Alvarez and Hector Lombard, I might just buy them out too

    Indeed, with the exception of getting MMA sanctioned in New York, Dana has accomplished virtually any challenge he has undertaken. Oh, well maybe the signature of Fedor also eluded Dana.

    Both Fedor and NYC showcase how poorly the Baldfather can react to not getting absolutely everything that he wants, like a baby throwing his toys out of the proverbial pram.

    These two particular matters almost act as blemishes on his otherwise flawless MMA CV (Curriculum Vitae, that isn’t the acronym for some remote local MMA organisation that hosts fights in barns).

    Disclaimer: Dana will probably host a UFC at Madison Square Garden whilst he is still presiding over the UFC. And Fedor, well Dana finally has him under contract (Dana probably purchased Strikeforce just to prove a point to M-1 Global).

25. Dana Feels the Love on a Regular Basis

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    I receive more love from the fans than Snoop Dogg from his groupies on tour

    As alluded to previously, the (platonic) love he receives from fans must also prove a pretty special perk to this MMA leviathan.

    It attests to the old adage “you only get what you give”, and there is no other CEO in sports that interacts with the populace as much as Monsieur White.

    It’s a testament to his personality and his commitment to the sport/job. Tune into 8.20 of the Vlog above for an example of the fan appreciation and adoration.

26. Female Attention

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    Let these twins in, they seem to possess the correct "credentials"

    I would also hazard a guess that Dana could casually copulate with any of the octagon girls, though I’m not here to question his fidelity levels, he’s a married man and I’m sure he acts appropriately.

    He leaves those shenanigans to Vinny Chase and the Veteran lothario of the Octagon, Bruce “Ballsdeep” Buffer (I’m casting aspersions here, I just like the nickname).

    Plus, Dana’s far too preoccupied tweeting and slurping pink berries to be engaging in any extra-marital trysts. However, the fact remains that he still has access to scantily-clad, incredibly fetching femmes who all fawn over him frequently.

27. The "Boring" Stuff

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    Boring sh*t, in this instance, is synonymous with amazing stuff

    Dana regularly begins his Vlog clips by discussing “meetings and the boring sh*t which we wouldn’t want to see."

    Perhaps this is Dana's attempt at humour, or even humility, but I think I speak for the masses when I state that witnessing Dana sign multi-million dollar deals would actually be fascinating.

    The guy probably doesn’t get out of bed to attend meetings that are potentially worth less than a million.

Conclusions

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    Dana, please can I make love to Arianny after the show? No, okay, fair enough, here's my UFC membership card

    Interestingly enough, since the Zuffa takeover of Strikeforce, this umbrella MMA organisation has stamped its identity onto various elements of the Strikeforce enterprise, yet Scott Coker has not been creating Vlogs which detail his behind-the-scenes exploits.

    Whilst both are clearly shrewd businessmen, Scott and Dana are polar opposites regarding certain characteristics; Dana is ebullient, outspoken, brash and controversial, whilst Scott is understated, considered, diplomatic and reserved.

    Ultimately, Scott seems too discreet to permit intrusive insights into his dealings, which in turn accentuates the openness of DW.

    In conclusion, it's difficult to dispute the fact that Dana is living the good life, the American dream, "la vida loca." He's a living MMA legend, leader and leviathan. Fair play and good luck to him.

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