Most interviews are typical enough. The reporter asks a few standard questions, and in return, they get a few standard answers. Nothing unusual happens, and everyone's happy.
In other words, most interviews suck.
Now and then, however, something amazing happens. Things take a hilarious and awkward turn for the better, and I'm no longer bored to tears.
Sometimes this involves an unexpected rant, an inappropriate comment, a punch or two and, yes, sometimes it even involves some dry humping.
The following 25 interviews include all of the above. Enjoy.
"Someone likes Francisco." Yes, somebody does. But who is this "Francisco," and why does Grandpa really not want you to know about him?
You have to love kids—they have absolutely no filter whatsoever. And you better believe Grandpa knows where your pressure points are; that'll shut you up real quick.
Seriously though, there's something very...creepy about this.
The Lakers completely lost their mind recently and hired Mike Brown as their head coach, and this video is a sobering reminder of exactly what they're getting.
This is one of those moments where someone is laughing awkwardly, and you can't tell whether or not they're serious or forcing it. Then you look at the "water" they're drinking and wonder if it's something else.
Who would have thought that Mo WIlliams dunking was comedy gold?
When I saw Artest walk out in his boxers on Jimmy Kimmel Live, I thought to myself, "I am completely done with this guy."
I don't know what's going through Artest's mind most of the time, and I'm not sure I really want to know. I wish we could go into his head, like in the movie The Cell.
Actually, it's probably something like this, but with rapping and basketballs.
We're all aware of the stereotypical, idiot surfer who just wants to hang ten and is severely deficient in the brain department, but this guy isn't exactly breaking down any barriers.
I don't know what's better, his awesome sound effects or his unbridled enthusiasm, but it's a good thing the reporter sat back and let him talk for a bit. It really gave "surfer dude" time to make his mother proud.
Also, be sure to check out the remix.
This is so unbelievably sad.
While it's obvious that Bosh is the least talented of the "Heatles," even he doesn't deserve to get this type of treatment.
Having gone from being the center of attention on the Raptors, Bosh can't even get the attention of reporters anymore, who seem to have no interest in interviewing him.
Watch him walk off like a little kid after several seconds of awkward silence.
It's probably best to just kiss Mayweather's ass if you're giving him an interview or else this will happen:
Mayweather: "You always give me a hard time. You never give me the credit I really deserve."
Reporter: "You got a shutout! We all gave you credit for that."
Mayweather: "...you're a commentator so stick to commentating."
Reporter: "Well that's exactly what I'm doing, and I'm asking you the question."
Ed: "Shut up and just fight Pacquiao already, damnit!"
Okay, I added that last quote. If I was there, I would have said it. From a distance, of course.
I have an idea. You know those dolls where you pull the string and they say catchphrases? I want to see one made of Rampage Jackson.
Here are some suggested quotes, all handpicked from this interview:
"She's Jamaican me horny."
"I want to motorboat right now."
"You know I been humpin' reporters..."
"I'm gonna hump you in front of everyone. Get away, get away..."
"Man the black folk love me, and I love black folk."
"I be doin' my nipple dance."
"I love all parts of you."
I have the mouth of a sailor, and I'm sure that quite a bit of athletes do, too, which is why I'm amazed that a few f-bombs don't drop more often on live television.
It can be hard to maintain your filter when around certain people, and Shaq, who is apparently upset with the night's officials, proclaims that "[the officials] try to take over the f#$king game" at times.
The reporter then reminds Shaq that they're on live, but he doesn't "give a sh*t."
I'm inspired, you mother--. No, I still need time.
Nicole Richie wants to have sex with Kobe Bryant and doesn't care who knows it.
I love how the reporter's mind is completely blown, too. What did he expect from her? She isn't known for saying intelligent things.
If it's not vomit coming out of her mouth, it's garbage and probably some other things.
Mike Tyson used to have a bit of a temper, then he started racing pigeons and became totally calm and sane.
Mike, you've changed man.
This clip is from 1999, and it features Mike doing what he does best: offending the hell out of reporters and dropping f-bombs.
I don't know why, but it's really hard to take Dennis Green seriously here. And if you consider how much everyone laughed at this after the fact, I don't think I'm the only one.
It's funny how quickly this escalated. It's clear that he's upset at the loss from the start, but I didn't expect him to flip out and hit the microphone and walk off, probably to go stomp on some poor kid's sandcastle.
When you're interviewing a man named "Rampage" Jackson, and he starts humping you, you sit back and wait for him to finish. You don't really have a choice.
When it was all said and done, he was able to accumulate an astonishing 85 humps (by my count) in 40 seconds. That's an amazing 2.125 humps per second, truly a mind-blowing performance.
You've got to be real careful to not piss off a boxer, especially one that just beat up Evander Holyfield, but Jim Grey is quick to do so.
James "undestructable" Toney doesn't put up with any garbage, and he's quick to shoot down Grey's questions and, eventually, his microphone.
Grey can come off a bit condescending at times, and some people just don't care for that.
We'll be seeing more from Grey in a bit.
We all knew Terrell Owens had a screw loose, but when he started crying following a 2007 playoff loss, if was weird, even for him.
I'm a Cowboys fan, and I'll tell you, this did nothing to help the public's perception of the team. This was the exact moment when I said, "Yup, it's time for this guy to go."
And then he went away, and I claimed I had powers for a week.
Some guys just aren't hard. Sure, every man at some point tries to act like they can kick some ass, but we know they can't. Brian Scalabrine is such a guy.
Taking exception to some of the media choosing the Lakers to win the title in 2007, Scalabrine did his best WWE trash talk bit to a group of reporters following the Celtics' Game 6 win.
The best part is the back-and-forth between Brian and a reporter, who is apparently wearing a church-like jacket. And don't you dare wear a church-like jacket in front of Scalabrine!
Sometimes you have to pick your battles, or you can just do what Jim Grey does and consider every moment the perfect opportunity to piss the interviewee off.
After becoming a member of the Major League Baseball All-Century Team, Pete Rose was repeatedly asked by Grey about the gambling allegations that got him banished from the league, during Game 2 of the 1999 World Series.
Pete was disappointed with the questioning and let Grey know. Honestly, I was too; there's a time and a place for these things.
As far as I can tell, Bills cornerback Ellis Lankster doesn't actually have a real speech issue, so hopefully I'm not laughing at any actual condition.
That being said, "Like um," what the hell is going on here? I understand nerves probably played a role, but this is a hell of a loop he found himself stuck in.
He was like a malfunctioning robot. I thought sparks were about to fly out of his ears at any moment.
I'm assuming this was all part of the reporter's shtick, because there's no way anybody is this nervous to be around Eli Manning.
In fact, I'm sure of it. No serious person would want to know Eli's address, and no sane woman wants to touch his arm. He's a dufus gargoyle...
...who has a Super Bowl ring! Oh, God! How in the hell did he do that...I hate life.
Not that I'm a professional sports talk-show host, but it seems to me that when somebody you're interviewing sternly asks you to not call them a certain, offensive name, you should probably listen to them.
That is, of course, unless you're Jim Rome: Super Mega Jackass.
After calling Jim Everett "Chris" one too many times, Everett tosses the only physical barrier between his fist and Rome's face (a small table) aside and proceeds to put the fear of God into him.
Floyd Mayweather has a way of picking some rather questionable opponents, and Brian Kenny calls him on it, unleashing Mayweather's inner indignant child.
Like a lot of athletes who don't know what to say when scrutinized, Mayweather tells Kenny that "[he] does not know about boxing," therefore he doesn't have the right to question him.
This response is the cousin of, "You don't play the sport, so you don't know," which is just as invalid. They may as well say, "Yeah, well, you're fat!" It's equally as effective.
I don't know what's being said in this video, but it's truly disturbing to watch. I mean, everyone's laughing, but it's only because they're all very afraid.
Jackson, large neck chain and all, gets on all fours and pretends to be a dog, then he proceeds to hump a Japanese reporters leg.
He must be going through a phase. A very strange one. I think I feel a phase coming on myself, one that will only show when I'm around cute reporters. Which is never.
Phase is over.
It's not unusual to hear an athlete thank God for their accomplishments, or even blame him when things go wrong, but it is unusual to dedicate an entire interview to him, even after the reporter politely asks for him to drop it and move on.
Holyfield wasn't having it, though. He just really, really wanted to thank God. I mean, evangelicals couldn't match this. If I were God—which is, incidentally, how I start most conversations—I'd be taking down a name-drop tally in a notebook.
God gives a free sub on the eighth mention per interview.
Look, Sam Cassell might be the single ugliest man alive. Actually, I don't even want to say ugly, it's more so weird. Either way, it's definitely a face only a mother can love and probably something you shouldn't continuously bring to his attention.
Some would call that rude.
Then again, when a reporter says to you, "I'm trying to find a question that is so obnoxious that it would be unhandleable," you shouldn't expect any less.
You can smoke cigarettes when you're 18, drink when you're 21 and you become a man when you're 40. At least, so says Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy.
Pacing like a preacher, Gundy delivers one of the single greatest rants ever uttered by a coach, after a local newspaper published an article about one of his players, portraying them in an unflattering light.
Memorable quotes include, "Where are we at in society today?", "Get your facts straight!", "The editor who let it come out is garbage!" and, of course,"Come after me! I'm a man. I'm 40!"
My initial impression was that this was fake, but if it is, bravo to the acting done by this reporter.
After reporter Aaron Tru states that "some people think that women have trouble finishing submissions," female MMA fighter Cris Cyborg Santos chokes him the hell out on the spot, apparently in a demonstration.
From what I can tell, it takes about six seconds to successfully pull off a sleeper hold and a few seconds more to comes back to life. Looking at Aaron's face, it's safe to assume he had some kind of religious epiphany while unconscious.
This happens often when oxygen is cut off from the brain.
"I want to kiss you. I couldn't care less about the team struggling."
You know how many women across America would love to hear those words come out of their boyfriends/husbands mouth on Sundays and Mondays, and occasionally Thursdays?
A lot of women. And what did Joe get for it? Sobriety!
That's a good thing, though, he needed it. Once you embarrass yourself on live television like this, it's time to put down the sippy-sippy.