Michigan State-Michigan: Are You There, God? It's Me, Sparty...

Sparty: Hello God. It's me, Sparty. What are we doing wrong, God? How have we displeased you? Unlike our brothers in blue to the east, we try to be humble. We don't regale ourselves in gold and too many fine German sports coupes. We are men of the earth who strive to make this gift of the world a better place.

What will it take for us to win on Saturday, God, and make those maize and blues eat their proverbial crow, o glorious one?

God: Thou must keep it simple, my Spartan son. What are the simple keys to how Michigan State can beat UM Saturday, you ask? Stick to this, and ye shall prevail. Waver far from the course, and it may be another long year. (By the way, when I said I made man in my image, I was definitely thinking of you, Sparty.)

1. Score First

Take the ball if you win the coin toss and score first. Whomever can score first will set the tone for the whole day. UM's fans have been known to turn on their own teams on a dime, and if State can score quickly and confidently, the mood will be deflated. (See Wisconsin game this year).

2. Run Up the Middle

Take it straight to them. Do it again. Then do it again.

3. Run to the Outside

Give Javon the ball off tackle. We've all seen the trap blocking in the middle that takes way too long. Let the man run wild.

4. Pressure

Put a ton of people on the line, right in Threet's face. Make him throw too soon. Put him on his back. Plug up the inside where the hoss Minor can bowl over people once he's up to speed.

5. Tackle

I'm not talking about diving for a running back's knees or pushing someone out of bounds. I'm talking about wrapping them up and driving a shoulder through to their spine on every play, every down.

6. Confuse UM's O-Line

Watch the Penn State game. It's UM's Achilles' Beer Gut.

7. Let It Rain

Michigan's Keystone Cop offense will look even more bumbling in the rain. Inclement weather always favors a team that runs well, and this can be summed up by the name Javon. (Weather report is here.)

May the best team win, my son. Just know I'll be sporting my green tunic tomorrow. The rest is up to you.

Author's Note

This game is kind of a perfect storm, a perfect setup if you will. MSU, who almost always came in as the underdog for years, is now favored. UM has become the laughingstock of the entire NCAA, their fans boo their own team off the field, and Rich "DickRod" Rodriguez is making John L. Smith look like a rootin' tootin' genius.

Which team has more to prove, or to lose, for that matter? One that can go 7-1 and finally shatter their Sisyphus complex, or another that can claim their whole season redeemed by playing spoiler to their rivals?

Luckily, last weekend's loss by MSU to OSU will give the Wolverines a false sense of hope and give the Spartans even more venom to bring to the trenches.

An offer: If State does lose, I will print out and eat any one of my Bleacher Report stories for the first UM fan that chooses one, videotape it, and post it on YouTube.

Strap it up, gentlemen—let's finally let the hitting do the talking.

Visit www.SpartyOn.com and www.SpartyOnBlog.com for more on The Michigan State University Spartans.

You're currently logged into Facebook

Do you want to share your Bleacher Report activity on Facebook?