Super Bowl XLII: The Non-Fan's Primer

I love football and would look forward to the upcoming Super Bowl even if my New York Giants weren’t playing in it.

However, for those of you who feel a bit differently about Super Sunday, here are some suggestions about what to do before and during the game: 

Twenty-four hours before game time, spring a pair of Super Bowl tickets on your mate. In the ensuing panic, you’ll find the two of you stuck in traffic one hour from the University of Phoenix Stadium. You’ll have gotten out of the house and the traffic jam will remind you of the Blizzard of ’78 minus the snow. 

Create a crisis with your mate that demands immediate attention. A line like, “If you love me, you’ll turn off that stupid Super Bowl,” should be a winner.

Of course, this may backfire if (a) he/she doesn’t love you or (b) you’ve been with the same partner for 42 years or more and have used this tactic for the past 41 Super Bowls.

In that case, you may want to try this suggestion: 

Bone up on football statistics and trivia like you have never studied for anything before in your life. This will require exhaustive research, but the revenge can be sweet.

Start your research with Jim Thorpe and move forward. In the days preceding the game, spew out this wad of information relentlessly at your mate.  Sprinkle your conversation with a healthy dose of past Patriots names such as Babe Parilli, Jim Nance and Steve Grogan, and Giants legends like Y.A. Tittle, Roosevelt Brown and Sam Huff.

By game day, your mate will feel as though the entire Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, has trampled through the living room and may be disenchanted with watching the game.