NFL Lockout 2011: One Month Closer to Football or Closer to Mayhem?

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NFL Lockout 2011: One Month Closer to Football or Closer to Mayhem?
Tom Pennington/Getty Images
Memories, like the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories... (Barbara Streisand and football... Who knew?)

Greetings from the Frozen Tundra, friends! Wisconsin is coming alive with all of the traditional summer events. Yearly trip to the Wisconsin Dells? Upcoming Summerfest in Milwaukee? Hitting the local festivals and summer fairs? Baseball games in the park, boating on the rivers? Check and done! 

Excitement is building for the summer because that means that we are one season closer to the fall...All on the to-do list, now that we don't have to bundle up in layers! Bask in the sun, friends, and make sure that you wear sunblock, as your skin may burst into flames upon being exposed to the sun for the first time in nine months.

So, where did we leave off?

Oh yes, I remember now. The Green Bay Packers won Superbowl XLV on February 6, 2011.  Packers fans celebrated, some taking it to a new level by still celebrating three months later. And then we had the Lockout.

Duh, duh, duh (evil theme music).

Yup, the Lockout. Usually, the time period after the NFL Draft is spent scoping out the rookies and new players. This year? The past few months have been spent watching the news and shaking our heads grimly as we hear about yet another round of court proceedings and legal briefs.

Sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it?

The conversations that I have been a part of go something like this:

"What do you think of the new guy? The guy from Hawaii? Alex Green? Is that the kid?"

"Don't know how he's going to react to the cold."

"We won't get to find out until the Lockout ends."

Snort. "If the Lockout ends."

Yes, my mother snorted as she said this. Alex, you may wish to read some of my previous ideas on how to prepare for the cold (i.e. sitting in the beer cave at the grocery store. I've done this and it isn't all that bad).

I think it is time to look at what the fall is going to look like if there isn't football, especially in Wisconsin. 

I imagine a dull, colorless landscape, like something out of a science fiction movie. Or, you know, like Wisconsin in the fall, when all the leaves fall off the trees.

I imagine the fans of the Green Bay Packers as the poor, broken, huddled masses, sitting in front of their televisions, checking the channel guide to see if there is any football related news or just to make sure that the NFL Red Zone channel isn't playing a highlight reel of games gone by. 

What's that? Aaron Rodgers just accomplished peace in the Middle East? Fantastic. I knew he had it in him. The cure for cancer was found by Clay Matthews? Awesome and inspiring. Yet another fine example of how having flowing locks and a fierce defense can save the world.  Donald Driver saved a bus of school children from a menacing flood by running each child individually to safety? Yup, I wouldn't be surprised at all.

These are just some of the things that Packers fans believe can be accomplished by the players of the Green Bay Packers. Just ask us, we'll tell you.

The fans, amazed at the players but in a severe depression due to the lack of football, will have to seek joy from other sources. As Wisconsin has been out-drinking other states since its inception (according to Facebook, at least), beer seems to be the likely source of this joy in the great state of Wisconsin during that time period. As there will be more drinking, that means that law enforcement will be busier. The jails will be fuller. The court system will be bogged down.

FYI: None of these things are good, just in case you were wondering.

Children will be running the streets like deranged soccer hooligans, as the schools have been known to close when the teachers are ticked off (yet another fine example of ending collective bargaining rights at it's finest).

If you take away Packer football AND collective bargaining, the teachers MAY just have had enough and just teach all the things that a lot of people don't want them to teach. You know, like math, science and sex ed?

Mayhem, I tell you!

On the plus side, for the state of Wisconsin, deer hunting and fishing licenses will increase in dramatic numbers, therefore increasing revenue for the state, as hunters and fishermen will not have to stop hunting and/or fishing in order to get home for the Packer game.

Churches will be full for the first time in a long time, as churches will not have to schedule around football. Families may spend time together, after being released from jail, and find that they can, GASP, communicate without football interrupting!

I have not spoken to my mother or father during the football season in 34 years for any time longer than two minutes (about the same time as the commercials are on). I don't know if I can do this...

Hannah Foslien/Getty Images
This is not what football should look like.

Basically, what is occurring is that this Lockout is messing with a way of life. MY way of life, to be sure.

I will continue to hope for the best in regard to the Lockout, but will also have the expectation that my family life will not be put on hold for the football season, that I will spend way more time outside, and that I will be able to pursue all of the things that I normally would put off beginning in the preseason, like take a class in macrame and then make clothes for the entire family.

Don't make me do that. Manpig, my husband, would appreciate your concentrated efforts to effectively end the Lockout once and for all. Because when I suffer, Manpig suffers. I believe that was in our marriage vows and I am always one to stick to my vows. 

Anywho, have a good week and enjoy the summer. And please remember the sacrifice of our armed service men and women.

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