Dear Tiki Barber...It's Me, Your Buddy Eli Manning

Dear Tiki,

How are things going?  It’s me, your buddy Eli.

It’s been a while since we talked face to face.  Sure, we exchanged some barbed comments through the media back in August, but I thought it would be nice to get in touch.

Still working at NBC?  I hope that’s going well.  I haven’t seen you on the tube because I’ve been really busy with the season and I pretty much only watch Seinfeld reruns these days.  Except when I’m in Green Bay. 

Things are good here.  I just bought some new suits, which look very sharp.  I tried sushi for the first time and, as I expected, it just wasn’t for me.  It’s not so much the taste that bothers me, but the texture.  Kind of slimy.

Oh yeah, and I don’t know if you heard, but your former Giant teammates and I ARE GOING TO THE F**KING SUPER BOWL!

Seriously, we have t-shirts and everything.  And guess who’s not getting a t-shirt?

You.

You know why? 

Because you’re a whiney little punk who didn’t like Tom Coughlin or his tough practices, so you retired.   

I bet another reason you retired was because you didn’t think I could lead this team to the promised land.  In fact, if I remember correctly, you totally bagged on my leadership ability during halftime of a preseason game in August and said it was “comical.”

Well, who’s laughing now, Tiki?

While you sit at home thinking up ideas for your next children’s book, I’ll be heading to Phoenix.  I’m going to stay at a sweet-ass hotel.  It'll probably have an indoor pool and a hot tub.

And all the newspapers and magazines and TV shows are going to be interviewing me.  You know why?  Because I’m playing in the Super Bowl!  Is anyone going to interview you?  Probably not.  You know why?  Because you’re not playing in the Super Bowl!

And if we somehow manage to beat the undefeated Patriots juggernaut and win the Super Bowl, I might even get the opportunity to do as many commercials as my brother Peyton.  How’s that for awesome?

But even if we don’t win, it’s cool.  Because now everyone knows that I am a good quarterback and that I can lead the Giants.  So when next season starts, I won’t have to listen to pinheads like you question my ability.

Anyway, my best to your lovely family.   

Your buddy,

Elisha Nelson Manning