Lost Prophets: 10 Failed Sports Guarantees
I don't know if you heard, but the world was supposed to end this weekend.
I know, I'm super bummed too, but I can tell you one thing about the would-be prophet, Harold Camping: He's got balls. Arrogant, delusional balls.
It takes a great deal of confidence to guarantee something—I won't even guarantee I can finish a sandwich—and one always runs the risk of looking like an idiot once the claim falls through and you're left to explain what went wrong.
So I got to thinking, what about the failed sports guarantee? Sure, they don't come with the same cataclysmic implications, but I guarantee the guarantor wishes the world would come to an end after they lose.
Hey, I guess I can guarantee something.
Now let's take a look at 10 failed sports guarantees...
Honorable Mention: Rex Ryan, Jets Will Win Super Bowl
As he does every year, Rex Ryan believes his football team is going to win the Super Bowl. Only this time he's actually using the word "guarantee." The past couple years he simply claimed they would win.
Ryan: "I thought we'd win it the first two years. I guarantee we'll win it this year."
The Jets have reached the AFC Championship Game the past two years, but they came up short. A guarantee loses its luster when you're saying it every year, even if it's not the word "guarantee."
That's kind of the motto for guys like Ryan, though. Throw enough crap at a wall and some of it's bound to stick.
Personally, I don't see them going all the way this coming season, and if they don't, I assure you—no, guarantee you—he'll say it again the following year.
I'm on a guaranteeing roll!
Honorable Mention No. 2: Dan Gilbert's an Idiot
Dan Gilbert took it kind of hard when LeBron James hightailed it out of town, and he expressed his outrage in an open letter to Cleveland, stating that he "personally guarantee[s] that the Cleveland Cavaliers will win an NBA championship before the self-titled former 'King' wins one."
Obviously, this is only an honorable mention because either the Heat or Cavaliers have to win a title before this can be proven right or wrong. Problem for Gilbert is that the Heat look to be closing in on winning a title this year.
I'd like to think that he'd learn from this, but I doubt it.
Only time will tell, but this guarantee will, in all probability, prove to be foolish. This is exactly why they say you should count to 10 when you're angry.
Lane Kiffin Is Denied Singing Rocky Top
Lane Kiffin's kind of an ass. So it's no surprise that when he was hired to coach the Tennessee Volunteers, he got straight into position, bent over and spoke.
Much to everyone's disgust, his cheeks slapped and smacked as he stated that he was looking forward to "singing Rocky Top all night long after we beat Florida next year."
Tennessee lost 23-13.
Not a terrible loss, but I slept easy that night knowing there was some justice in the world. Many—myself included—were hoping for a beatdown. It's okay; something tells me Kiffin will get knocked out by someone someday.
It seems inevitable.
Joe Glenn Eats Crow—Lots of It
In 2007, Wyoming head coach Joe Glenn "got [his] big Irish mouth going and made the guarantee" that his Cowboys would defeat the Utah Utes.
They got beat down. Bad. 50-0 kind of bad.
Evidently Utah didn't care one bit for Glenn's words, even attempting an onside kick while up by 43. This didn't sit well with Glenn, so he flipped everyone the hell off on the Utes sideline. Seriously.
There's still some question as to whether or not he actually ate crow, though I wouldn't be surprised if one flew directly into his mouth later that week.
Some Guy Guarantees Victory
I'm with Rodney Harrison when he said "never heard of him," because up until Anthony Smith guaranteed beating the undefeated New England Patriots in 2007, I hadn't either.
In the words of Smith: "We're going to win ... Yeah, I can guarantee a win."
Oh, Smith got burned. A few times. It didn't take long for Tom Brady to get in his face to let him know he's nobody, which isn't exactly something you see all that often from Brady.
The Patriots would go on to win the game easily, 34-13, on their way to winning their 13th straight victory. The defeat even prompted the usually reserved Bill Belichick to say of Anthony, "We've played against a lot better safeties than him."
That's a Belichick burn! But it's true—you really shouldn't be making any guarantees if you're only starting because the real starters are hurt.
Jon Kitna Done Lost His Mind
Jon Kitna was feeling really good about himself one morning in Detroit back in 2007. Wake and bake?
Whatever the case, his confidence was soaring, and he released upon the world a bold prediction: The Lions would win 10 games that season and make the playoffs. Then he took it to another level.
In Kitna's words: "I'll keep to myself what I think we actually will win. But it's more than 10 games."
They actually went 7-9, which isn't terrible for the Lions, but it fell short of Kitna's prediction. There was even a time when it looked like it might happen, as they started the year at 6-2.
Unfortunately, they would then turn back into the Lions team will all know and love, following the hot start with an embarrassing 1-7 finish.
Big Brown Dropped One
Trainer Rick Dutrow's horse Big Brown was in position to win the coveted Triple Crown—the first since 1978—and all he had left to do was win the Belmont Stakes. Dutrow was so sure of the victory that he went so far as to say that it was "a foregone conclusion."
Now that sounds like a guarantee to me.
Big Brown ran out of gas.
This is a super failed guarantee, because not only did he not win, he finished dead last. That's right—he did no better than a single horse, which isn't really Big Brown's fault. It's not like he made the guarantee.
But hopefully this will teach Dutrow to shut up next time.
We Want the Ball, and They're Gonna Score
It was the 2003 NFL playoffs. Matt Hasselbeck and his Seahawks were in the midst of a battle with the Packers and were headed to overtime.
And Hasselbeck wasn't worried one bit about it.
After winning the coin toss, Matt said something that his buddies surely never let him forget, proclaiming, "We want the ball, and we're gonna score!"
This happened—and it was hilarious.
I'm not so sure Hasselbeck should be guaranteeing anything in the first place, but he sure as hell won't anymore.
A Series of Unfortunate Events
The Cavs were the No. 1 seed in the 2009 NBA Playoffs yet found themselves down to the Orlando Magic 2-1 in the Eastern Conference finals. Williams, however, wasn't ready to surrender. After all, he felt they were "the best team in basketball."
He didn't stop there, though. He'd go on to say: "Guarantee we're going to win the series? Yeah, yeah."
They lost in six games. LeBron left the Cavaliers. Dan Gilbert wrote a seriously delusional letter, jerseys would burn and my brother proved me wrong when he said early on in the season that the Magic would knock out the Cavs.
And I'll never live it down.
Don't Anger Joey Porter
Super Bowl XL was Jerome Bettis' last chance at getting a ring, and he had a chance to do so in his hometown of Detroit, Michigan. It was a remarkable story that could be appreciated by all—that is, unless you were Jerramy Stevens.
Stevens said that Bettis wouldn't be leaving with the trophy, believing his Seahawks would be victorious. This, of course, pissed Joey Porter off. What else is new?
Stevens had a mediocre day, to put it lightly. He had three catches for 25 yards and one touchdown. He also had four drops. Needless to say, he didn't leave with the trophy.
Calvin Borel: Big Man
Don't let Borel's appearance fool you; he's as confident as they come. He's also a jackass who I'd love to draw a mustache on and hand a cigar to.
In a position to become the first rider to ever win the Triple Crown on three separate horses, Borel walked into the Belmont Stakes with his junk in a wheelbarrow.
After angering pretty much every person around him, he said, "We'll win it," and the stage was set.
He lost. Not terribly, but he lost. Other jockeys rejoiced at the fact that they wouldn't have to kill him, which would have been the only way to shut him up.
U.S. Soccer Gets No Respect
Slovenia was getting set to take on the U.S. in the 2010 World Cup, and Slovenian midfielder Andrej Komac was feeling pretty good about their chances.
Komac to the media: "We are going to win this match."
The U.S. was robbed is what happened! For a while it looked like Komac was going to be right, as Slovenia jumped out to a 2-0 lead, but the U.S. fought back to tie it.
Then they took the lead. At least, anybody with eyes could see they did. The goal was disallowed for some reason, and Komac was spared humiliation.