Emile Heskey stood and watched. England weren’t going to compete in the 2008 European Championship finals. He stared at his television with such anger it turned itself off. He then stormed into the kitchen and beat his wife and kids.
He retired to his lavish bedroom and sat down at a desk. His hand still shaking, he took out a quill and penned a letter. Emile Heskey then posted it. Emile Heskey then waited.
It was two days later that his phone rang.
"I’ve been expecting you," the voice on the other end said. "It’s time."
Emile Heskey’s letter was to Fabio Capello. The striker asked Fabio that if he recalled himself to the team, would Fabio consider the toughest job in football.
Fabio said yes.
Emile Heskey laughed so loudly the birds fell from the sky. He hung up the phone and then skipped into his lounge and kissed his wife and kids.
Heskey then rode, in a horse and cart, to Darren Bent’s house.
Never has a beating been more severe. Never has black-on-black violence been so one-sided. Emile Heskey then left, stopping at KFC on the way back. While he was in the queue for a couple of buckets, a young boy with an autograph book approached the giant man.
"Please Sir, can I have your autograph?"
Emile Heskey smiled a gentle smile, picked the boy up and placed him in the palm of his hand.
"I’ve always loved Lenny Henry," said the boy.
The gentle smile turned into a look of disapproval. Emile crushed the boy while the boy’s mother looked on. The boy’s body went limp, lifeless, and was then launched into a statue of Colonel Sanders. No one else asked for Lenny’s autograph.
Back in his throne, Emile watched his children play with balls of wool while his wife served him hot Horlicks.
"I’m back," he said.