Billboards exist so businesses can advertise their products to you while you drive, because being distracted while you drive isn't dangerous at all.
From time to time, you'll notice a sports billboard where it seems like the advertisers might have tried a little too hard to tie their products to an athlete or team, leaving you confused.
Other times, billboards are simple, sending a clear, albeit funny, message whether they're trying to or not. We call this terrible marketing. Then again, I guess any publicity is good publicity.
Jokes on me.
The following 20 billboards are a little bit of both...
You can find this incredibly uncreative billboard along Interstate 94, between Ann Arbor and Detroit.
If you don't keep up with college sports, Jim Tressel, coach of the Ohio State Buckeyes, was suspended for wearing that dreadful vest after I wrote over 1,000 letters to the NCAA expressing my outrage.
And he also violated NCAA rules, hence the "Liar, Liar, Vest On Fire." But I'd like to think I had something to do with the lighting of that vest.
No wonder Favre was so indecisive. He had a freaking billboard in Minnesota asking him to come back another season. And he did. All because of the billboard.
And he's insane.
It would turn out that Favre would have a largely forgettable season. I'd like to think that he's done now, but you never know. Maybe a few more concussions might convince him.
It's embarrassing to go tubing when you're self-conscious about your body. Most people just continue to wear their shirt in the water; others wear an entire baseball uniform.
Is he a pioneer, or pathetic? One thing can be said for sure: The little girl with him is sure as hell holding on to that tube better than he is. Plus, she doesn't look photoshopped.
What's this ad saying, anyway? Minnesota Twins players love the outdoors? That can't be it, judging by his facial expression. They're close to their fans? Maybe. I think I'm missing the point.
In fact, I'm sure of it.
As if the Black Eyed Peas weren't around enough, now they're trying to claim Dodgertown! At this point, there's no stopping them. They've penetrated too deep into the collective American psyche.
Looking "cool"—some executive thought—as ever, they appear to be flying straight out of the billboard and into your nightmares, where I assume their songs will loop repeatedly, especially the chorus.
Fergie's arm looks to be dislocated, which is probably just her being "Fergalicious," whatever the hell that means. Plus the one with the long hair is trying to look hard, along with his friend with the mohawk.
Don't even get me started on the guy in the white jacket.
Fun fact: They have a whole series of these, though they're all kind of stupid. One even includes Yoda.
Hindsight is a bitch.
At the time, I bet Dan Gilbert was thinking something along the lines of: "Aw, this is totally cool. I'm a whiny little boy in a grown man's body, but this will totally keep LeBron around for sure!"
Then LeBron left and Gilbert gave his King's Speech. It was as pathetic as it was hilarious, and something tells me he has a picture of this hanging up in his office.
He throws darts and poop at it, and sometimes darts with poop on them. It's cool, though, because Kyrie Irving is coming to save everything!
I look forward to those billboards. I'm sure when Irving hightails it out of town a few years later, Gilbert will be totally cool with it, and probably react in some kind of sane manner.
Mike Tyson's kissing a dove.
And he's a vegan.
Logic tells me, therefore, that he didn't eat the dove or its children seconds later. Marvel at my ability to put two things together and come to an irrefutable conclusion!
Personally, if I were forced to put this hilarity on a billboard, I would have used the side of his face that didn't make him look like a lunatic kissing a dove. Then again, maybe they just wanted to show that, despite his questionable mental stability, he's a good guy who's kind heart transcends appearances.
Whatever, he's kissing a dove, and Mike Tyson doing kind things will never look right in my mind.
My god, Wayne Rooney just murdered something—viciously, no doubt—and rubbed its blood all over his skin! And, apparently, Nike wants us to do it too!
If I know soccer, and I think I do, the blood is surely from a referee who had it in for England, so Rooney had to kill him. Don't worry, it's common practice, just like throwing a road flare at a goalie's head is perfectly acceptable.
Our customs are a bit different from the rest of the world's, you see. I just can't believe Nike is encouraging this.
Oh, this is a burn! Do you feel it LeBron? Now when you drive into town, you'll know just how people feel about you! And, oh, does it burn! They got you, man. They got you.
I bet he cried, especially because of the sidekick part. That was a low blow. Why'd they have to go and put "sidekick" in there? Man, that's just...god! Ouch! What they should have said was "poopy head." Or maybe: "How does it feel to be a caca face poopity poop? Plus, I slept with your mom! LOL!!"
I'll tell you, man, they're crazy over there in Cleveland. This is the kind of billboard that will definitely encourage athletes to play there. Something tells me their favorite movie is Misery, and their favorite actress Kathy Bates.
Oh, you think you love soccer America? No you don't. Germany loves soccer! Not you! Oh, you don't love soccer. That's right. I forgot. Well check this out; it's from Germany.
This awesome piece of advertising shows a German goalkeeper outstretched over an overpass, holding a soccer ball and kicking ass. Now the public can be reminded every day that they love their team.
Because that's what they need—a reminder.
Meet Greek titan Atlas' brother...Jimmy.
He holds the world up with shoes. Nomis brand shoes, to be accurate. They say if you hold them in your hands, you can conquer the world. I know it's a bit counterintuitive, but shoes are actually much less effective when worn on the feet.
I think I'll go out and get myself a pair now. Thank goodness for this ad; I've had things wrong for so many years. I was blind, and now I see.
Why don't they just stick a Big Mac in his mouth, too?
I love a good, desperate plea.
Al Davis is looking a bit like the Crypt Keeper lately, and I don't think there's a person in this world that would be surprised if it's later revealed that he's been technically dead for the past five years or so.
That includes Al Davis.
Here we have 25,000-plus fans urging Davis to hire a GM. He must have been confused, however, because he instead fired their coach, Tom Cable.
This is just too much writing. Even the website is far too long to write down.
Do they expect cars to stop and read it all? I would get as far as "Head South, Move Ahead," and start singing Devo's "Whip it." But then again, I have a short attention span.
What's worse, it targets three schools that aren't exactly known for football—especially Duke. Actually, that's good marketing. Now people will think going to Arizona is better, because those other big-name schools haven't been to a bowl game in nine years!
I know that's how I decided where I'd go to college. It had nothing to do with my major or anything. Why would that be important?
Dunkin' Donuts is no joke. Their Iced Turbo Shot coffee is the real deal, and athletes love it—especially Dustin Pedroia. In fact, it's the source of his power.
You don't want none of the Laser Show! When Dustin Pedroia steps up to the plate, pitchers shake. They wonder if he's had his Iced Turbo Shot, because if he has, it's over.
Oh, and you better believe he doesn't drink it with a smile. Coffee will mess you up, man. Mad real. If you thought talent had something to do with success, you're wrong. It's the Iced Turbo Shot.
The only thing this billboard is missing is some chicks in bikinis.
First of all, this billboard lies! All right, in some cases, it's true, as this guy demonstrates. But for the most part, it lies!
Meet Raton High School quarterback Dustin Walton. He makes better choices and, along with the Colfax County DWI Program, believes that the ends justify the means.
The only way one night of drinking is erasing two weeks of athletic training is if you sprain your ankle or something when you're drunk. And even then, it's not "erasing" your training. That would mean that you completely forgot how to do something athletic.
In time, we'll realize that scare tactics aren't the only way to make a point. Now read my articles or your brain will melt. It's in the Bible.
I'm not sure I'm understanding this ad.
A hole in one is an incredibly rare feat that requires a certain amount of luck. Few do it, and it's why holes are judged on par. So what is this college saying? That you're lucky to get in? That it's a good decision to choose them? But then, nobody chooses a hole in one; that's why it's special.
Plus, did this person just make a hole in one, or are they planting the ball in the hole to give the illusion that they did? That's cheating. Screw this college. Wait, so maybe it's that you got it right on the first try? That's stupid.
I'm told that I think too much.
This one has been altered a bit—guess what part?—but I don't care, I like it. For those of you who haven't taken Spanish in school, "soy un cancer" means "I am a cancer."
And Manny Ramirez is stoked about it!
Perhaps it would have been more accurate to say, "estoy en los esteroides." That means: "I am on steroids." At least according to my English-to-Spanish translator.
Tom Brady's a quarterback, right? So why the hell is he always doing everything other than throwing the ball in his ads? There was that time he was holding a goat, and that other time he was kicking dirt, among other things.
When will he get this right? I think the guy is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all-time, but seeing things like this make me understand why some people don't like him. Plus, his wife is gorgeous, he's got model good looks and three Super Bowl rings...but I'm sure that has nothing to do with it.
Here we see him climbing up a wall? Oh, I get it! It's the corporate ladder; so that's why they wrote that. He's working his way up through hard work! Because that's the smart way to do things...smart...like Smartwater!
It all makes sense now.
All I will say is, we wonder why some athletes think they're larger than life. Take a look at this ad and tell me you wouldn't think a lot of yourself if that were you?
He looks like he's contemplating the mysteries of life, readying himself to embark on a treacherous endeavor to the promised land. And I hope he makes it!
Just kidding, and I hate to ruin the ending, but he won't.
The Bruins apparently have a bit of a tradition in the making where they mock their playoff opponents' fans as they make their way into the TD Garden. This ad is mocking the Tampa Bay Lightning, suggesting that Lightning fans are so rare as to be mythical creatures.
Lightning fans were so outraged, the Bruins had to remove them. That's overreacting a bit if you ask me. To be honest, I didn't know Tampa Bay had a hockey team either.
More importantly, did they capture them on camera?
Funny thing about this billboard is, it didn't always say "beat."
Yeah, that'll happen when you don't get your guy. That's not to say it didn't work out. Derrick Rose has become a great player in his own right, earning this year's MVP award. And if the Bulls win the Eastern Conference Finals, they'll be vindicated.
Otherwise, it's like hitting on the chick that you want but getting turned down, then hitting on her hot friend.