Disclaimer: "All NFL characters and events in this report—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional. All athletes’ voices are impersonated...poorly. The following editorial contains coarse language, a dark portrayal of players, and due to its content, it should not be viewed by anyone."
Ever wonder what professional athletes do with a week of freedom from the stress and pressure of NFL football during the bye week? In this era of multi-million dollar contracts, jet planes, and strict union guidelines on personal conduct, what kind of fun is there left for a young man in a $100 white t-shirt and $50K of jewelry to have?
Let us not be fooled by memoirs of the “old” NFL camaraderie of country hunting trips or poker playing with several cases of “soda pop” in players basements by these living legends. Realistically, today’s athletes are dysfunctional, capable of interacting in small, secluded groups both on and off the field, playing Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3.
Those innocent by-gone days are bucolic when compared to all the options and BS that football players can get into. Ricky Williams, the running back for the Miami Dolphins, put it best in an interview with The Miami Herald on Sept. 30, 2008, that when players were given Friday off, "Automatically your mind, which is so constrained since training camp began...says, 'I'm free, what can I do?'"
With such open and honest statements, below is a compilation of the top 10 things NFL players ought to do during the bye week.
10. Visit Las Vegas, get knocked upside the head. Lose wallet and every bit of self-respect.
9. Return to Alma Mater for invigorating pregame pep talk, party on campus with college friends and undergrad co-eds.
8. Notify Social Services to schedule a supervised visit with son or daughter. Reach out to them with cash gifts and an H2 Hummer.
7. Contact agent, set up recording session for next series of Sprint/Nike/United Way/NFL Channel advertisement.
6. Appear in local county courtroom to settle moving violation & weapons charge.
5. Go back home for some of Momma’s cooking, buy her a white Cadillac to put in front of the double wide.
4. Take the wife and kids to Hawaii for a brief week of fun and relaxation. When no one is looking, secretly practice for possible 2009 Pro Bowl appearance.
3. Appear in city courtroom to settle aggravated assault/paternity test/civil lawsuits.
2. (Tie) Attend NFL sanctioned Adam “Pacman” Jones behavioral camp—politely agree to disagree with life coach.
2. (Tie) Guest appearance onstage with favorite musician/rapper/opera singer in concert. Sing a few ballads, sprain vocal cords.
And the No. 1 thing NFL players do during the bye week is...
Rent a house boat, take a few teammates out for a little Lake Minnetonka party cruise trip.