Sexier Relatives: Sports Daughters vs Sports Siblings

K BFeatured ColumnistMay 10, 2011

Sexier Relatives: Sports Daughters vs Sports Siblings

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    A battle of titans has emerged.

    I'm not talking about Frazier vs. Ali, Magic vs. Bird or even Meth vs Chef.

    I am talking about the age old question of who is hotter: Athlete's daughters or their siblings.

    I have come up with a magical, yet scientific formula to calculate who comes out on top of this debate that has raged since the beginning of sports history.

    Ring that bell!

No. 25 Sister: Venus & Serena Williams

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    I swore to myself that I would never include the Williams sisters on a list that countdowns attractive people, but here I am, selling out like all the rest.

    I have nothing against these great tennis players, it's just that their bodies remind me of wild bears who could tear your face off, which frightens me.

No. 24 Sister: Sally Zito (Barry Zito)

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    Sally has her own band, which Barry will occasionally play with.

    I don't know what it is, but I really dig a girl who is musically talented. Maybe it is because at my core, I'm a pre-pubescent girl who falls in love with rock stars. 

    I only say that because I squint my eyes, shake my hands frantically, and let out a blood-curdling scream whenever I see a girl with a guitar in her hands.

    And is it just me, or is she Rachel Nichols long lost twin?

No. 23 Sister: Diana Lopez (Steven, Mark Lopez)

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    Please tell me Diana and her two brothers have at some point given some surfer dudes diarrhea or taken down a terrorist with a pony tail who is trying to trade warheads.

    If they haven't, then I refuse to be impressed by anything on their resume. I don't care if Steven was once considered the best taekwondo player because he probably never dunked from the free throw line in middle school.

No. 22 Daughter: Brittany Favre (Brett Favre)

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    About a year ago, Brittany had a son, Parker.

    A re-creation of what will happen in 40 years:

    Me: (stoically staring into the ocean, then dropping to one knee)

    Wife: Honey! (Rushing to my aid) Oh my god, what happened?

    Me: (In stern, gruff voice) An unrelenting force took a nation by storm, trying to kill an entire nation by frustrating them to the point that everyone began considering self-harm as the only option.

    Wife: That sounds horrible? Who is this monster?

    Me: Brett Favre...and now his grandson Parker is a quarterback nearing retirement...which means it's happening (looks over shoulder dramatically)...again.

    Cue organ.

No. 21 Sister: Kelsey Davis (Colt Davis)

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    Nothing brings pride and joy to the a family like having your daughter and sister get somewhat famous for purchasing fake boobs.

    That is my dream for the daughter I will surely have. How do I know I will have a daughter?

    Have you seen my other stories?

    It's a guaranteed punishment for my sins.

No. 20 Great Granddaughter: Rooney Mara (Steelers, Giants Owner)

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    I have yet to find a girl I have wanted to marry more than Tricia Mara, also known as the the girl Rooney Mara played in Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

    Her characters belief system is one that I could get 100 percent behind and could be considered a strong foundation for a long lasting marriage.

    What is this belief?

    Tricia hated the morbidly obese.

No. 19 Sister: Katina Taylor (Zach Thomas)

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    Katina Taylor is married to Jason Taylor, who played with her brother Zach Thomas on the Miami Dolphins.

    If you didn't know, Zach helped build the second largest cross in the Western Hemisphere. It is located in Groom, Texas.

    Because nothing screams I love God and have learned from his wisdom more than building a big cross in his honor.

     

No. 18 Daughter: Elizabeth Montana (Joe Montana)

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    Joe Montana is known as a miracle worker.

    His games against the Cowboys and Bengals have gone down as the greatest performances in NFL history.

    But maybe his biggest miracle has been to keep his hot daughter out of the limelight. In this day in age, that might be the biggest miracle of them all.

No. 17 Daughter: Stephanie Turner (Norv Turner)

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    According to imdb.com, Stephanie Turner was in the movie Monster in Law and has a part with Jane Fonda.

    I couldn't tell you what happens because I have self-respect and haven't seen the movie.

    But I am sure she did a dynamite job. I can't believe she has struggled to find substantial work after practically everyone didn't see the movie either.

No. 16 Sister: Blair McElroy (Greg McElroy)

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    Greg McElroy's sister is dating Alabama kicker Jeremy Shelley.

    Great job Jeremy. Kickers already struggle enough to gain respect and you go off and dip into the waters of high school to get yourself a girlfriend?

    Completely ignore the fact that I used her in my slideshow after I just listed that fact.

No. 15 Daughter: Tracy Phillips (Wade Phillips)

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    I know if I was Wade Phillips, I would certainly be proud of my daughter being in constant compromising positions such as this.

    Maybe his daughter wouldn't be so gothic if he didn't spend all his free nights trying to recapture his glory days.

    Or maybe she never forgave him for this family photo

No. 14 Daughter: Nicki Meyer (Urban Meyer)

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    Maybe it was just me, but the beginning of this interview gave me chills.

    No wonder Nicki decided to take a scholarship offer from a college that is a state away from her father.

    The Meyer household sounds more intense than a silent war zone.

    And who is the spineless guy who had the sign that said "Daddy Can't Save You Now?" How in the hell do you let her 40-year-old mother rip a sign away from you. You should be ashamed.

No. 13 Daughter: Rachel Bradshaw (Terry Bradshaw)

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    Finally, a Rachel Bradshaw has come around and separated herself from the country music pack. Instead of singing about everyday occurrences, problems with men, dogs and trucks, she sings about everyday occurrences, problems with men and days of the week.

    The pearls of wisdom one constantly receives from country music lyrics can't be rivaled. The way it approaches the complexities of an intelligent lifestyle really makes one ponder.

    I am really beginning to wonder if I should just lower my head and sprint into a brick wall so I can finally understand what the fuss is all about.

No. 12 Sister: Yelena Noah (Joakim Noah)

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    Joakim Noah looks like a picture that Conan O'Brien would come up with in his bit If They Mated.

    But seriously, it is like God beat Joakim feverishly with his boom stick of ugly for trying to kill Bart Simpson all those years.

    Meanwhile, Yelena here took all the genes that make up Joakim's face and somehow made it work really well.

No. 11 Daughter: Alexa Flutie (Doug Flutie)

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    I am sure this video of Flutie Flakes daughter riding a mechanical bull will bring all men to their knees, but I am not budging.

    Do you see those crazy eyes!?

    No way I am trusting any girl with a pair of optics like that.

    That is, unless I want to find myself strapped to a bed against my will, with a butcher's knife to my throat, with her screaming I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! MARRY ME!!!

No. 10 Daughter: Bianca Tai (Tony La Russa)

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    While I was breaking things over the fact that his Cardinals won the 2006 World Series, Tony La Russa was fathering a hot daughter.

    I wonder if the thoughts of the male mind drives Tony towards sleepless nights now that his daughter is famously hot and on the internet.

    I sure hope so. I will take anything that affects his managerial skills.

No. 9 Daughter: Paulina Gretzky (Wayne Gretzky)

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    Maybe Paulina is so hot because of her mom.

    Not just because of Janet Jones good looks, but her mom's video series The Firm: Total Body has given her toned thighs and flat abs.

    I know it sure helps me! 

    Thanks Janet Jones!

No. 8 Daughter: Brittny Gastineau (Mark Gastineau)

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    Brittny Gastineau is best friends with Kim Kardashian.

    Can you imagine being a fly on the wall while those two women debate scientific principles, mathematic probabilities and the meaning of life as it pertains to the view of Socrates?

    My brain waves are singing just thinking about the endless things I would learn listening to those two interact

No. 7 Sister: Jeanene Fox (Rick Fox)

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    According to Jeanene Fox's mini biography on imdb.com, her modeling career began when she was discovered climbing a fruit tree on Paradise Island.

    Then, her acting career began when an agent came up to her while she was making funny expressions with her friends.

    Is she difficult to work with? Because from the biopic description from imdb.com, she sounds like she might communicate by grunting and throwing her own fecal matter because she never fully developed appropriate social skills growing up alone in a far off jungle.

No. 6 Great Grand Daughter: Kate Mara (Timothy Mara, Art Rooney)

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    Talk about a life.

    Your great grandfathers founded the Steelers and Giants, you are talented enough to sing and act in movies, and your hot as hell.

    But what is most impressive is she was in the awesome and totally unrealistic movie Shooter with Mark Wahlberg, toting a shotgun half the move.

    She has everything.

No. 5 Stepdaughter: Bianca Gascoigne

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    Bianca is the stepdaughter of Paul "Gazza" Gascoigne, a retired English soccer player.

    Other than Gazza being an exceptional soccer player, he is a pretty despicable person that even I can't joke about.

    He admitted to beating his wife and Bianca on a regular basis and at one time drank four bottles of whisky a day in 2004, and drinking thirty cans of beer a day in December 2008.

    At least something beautiful came from that destructive household 

No. 4 Sisters: Angela & Amber Cope

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    While "blazing a trail" for future female drivers, these sisters prove they are still hot chicks at heart.

    They think they look like dorks wearing a sweatshirt that says their uncle won a Daytona 500, their other interest is fashion, and they want their own reality show.

    I think Jimmy Johnson can rest peacefully at night.

No. 3 Daughters: Alyonka & Diana Larianov (Igor Larionov)

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    I don't know how the daughters of a famous, retired hockey player known as the Professor turned out to be this attractive.

    Maybe Igor did a Frankenstein and fiddled around with artificial insemination.

    Just a guess.

    I leave you with this lovely video of them singing. Dad would be proud. 

No. 2 Sisters: Hailey and Sierra Partridge

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    Imagine what I could have done if I lived near a beach.

    Using the incredible skills I have that carried me all the way to junior college baseball, I could have been an average surfer that biffs more often than not out in the ocean.

    But at least I could have faked drowning so maybe one of these two girls could give me mouth to mouth to save my life.

No. 1 Sisters: Bia & Branca Feres

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    Every time I see these hot twins posing with each other, all I can think about is these two pillow fighting, wearing garments like these with feathers floating all over the place, while they giggle and yell at each other in the Swedish language.

    And I know they're Brazilian, but the Swedish voice fits better in my mind's eye.

    And that does it.

    By my very scientific scoring system, the winner is...

    Daughters!

    Although the sisters made the equivalent of a 20 point comeback at the end with the plethora of hot twins, hot daughters eventually pull through with a deeper team.

    Also, it is a more satisfying experience getting on a computer and being able to stare a guy's daughter, especially if you hate him.