CIA: Kwame Brown Highlight Film to Replace “Waterboarding” Torture Technique

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CIA: Kwame Brown Highlight Film to Replace “Waterboarding” Torture Technique

Testifying before Congress, CIA Director Michael Hayden confirmed that a new torture technique was being used, but defended the action saying, "desperate times require desperate measures."

The technique was described as one of the better forms of "coercion" the CIA has ever used. It involves surrounding the detainee with HDTVs, a Bose stereo sound system, and repeatedly playing Kwame Brown's highlight video of the Lakers/Suns third quarter. Interrogating agents refer to it as "Kwame Screening," and have said that it always leads to detainees screaming and confessing.

 
But is it really that effective?

Agents reveal that detainees are broken and confessing within 30-35 minutes. Only one detainee was able to last longer than 60 minutes—and he was blind. The moans and gasps of the interrogating agents scared him so much, that he confessed.

Experts are divided on the true effectiveness of "Kwame Screening."

"People will say anything just to get the interrogator to stop the tape," one agent revealed anonymously. "Can you really trust the information from such an emotionally tortured individual?"

It is taking its toll on CIA agents as well and many are having a hard time administering the technique.

One agent remarked, “Its just too much to bear. Watching Kwame drop the ball, turning the ball over, shooting awkwardly, missing layups, missing dunks..." The agent paused to wipe tears from his eyes. "It’s very hard for us to administer."

Even seasoned, hardened, and experienced interrogation agents have needed time off and counseling for recovery.

 
Democrats vow to fight the switch

"It's just despicable," said Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.). "But I dare say, if we had to choose between the two, I’d stay with 'waterboarding.' That third quarter from Kwame was just unbearable to watch."

The Senator then went on to lament, "What have we come to as a nation if we have to subject people to such a barrage of indecencies?"

 
Human rights groups and the UN chime in

Human Rights activists showed video clips from the 3rd quarter at a hastily held news conference. (These can be seen at www.KwameHighlights.com WARNING: MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL AUDIENCES.)  The activists were searingly mad:

“We have to stop this barbaric practice immediately.”

A terrorist web site posted the thoughts of one detainee who actually had gone through the "Kwame Screening" technique.

"I don’t even know what NBA Basketball is—yet I cringed with pain as I watched this man play this game so terribly."

The site mentioned the man was so emotionally distraught that he has given up terrorism, and just sits in a corner all day moaning, gasping, and shaking his head in disbelief.

 
Related notes: Laker fans are considering a Class Action lawsuit for emotional distress caused by the 3rd quarter play of Brown...Lakers GM, Mitch Kupchak denies making trade that brought Kwame to Lakers: "That was before I was GM, I think" 

(Author's  comment: Yes this was a bit over the top. But if you saw the Suns/Lakers game last night, you would understand my sentiment—"pure torture to watch"....)

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