The Most-Honored Religion of Sports

SportMonkAnalyst IOctober 15, 2008

This season, Westboro Baptist has been protesting Husker games outside Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, Neb. Their preview for Nov. 8's matchup against the Kansas Jayhawks: "Corn Hussies vs. Gay Hawks."

The church that has been protesting at soldiers' funerals and everywhere they can stick their little noses, yelling "God hates fags" and "God hates America," is now shouting "God hates Nebraska."

The reason? Westboro claims Memorial Stadium is a temple for the worship of false gods—the Cornhuskers—and a place of devilish reveling in the sins of the flesh.

"Dumb asses will be out in droves with their little red and blue/red outfits on. Puffing their little and/or sagging chests out as they drink up their 'courage' and paint up their ugly, fat faces and follow each other like good little lemmings into the stadium to sit and watch some turds in uniform wallow in the mud like the good little pigs they are. Drinking, burping and farting towards each other as part of their neanderthalesque mating rituals. A very sick scene indeed. God hates these brutes, and continues to send them on the very wide, straight path to hell." (from

So, in light of these...shall I say...flattering observations about me and my fellow Nebraska fans, I've decided to take Westboro at their word and explore the possibility of sports as an effective religion.

I guess Saturdays would be our day of worship here in the Denomination of College Football. We wake up early to listen to our prophets (ESPN's College GameDay) declare the future and eagerly soak in all the events of the various worship services from around the country throughout the day.

Or we're out there, visiting our "Mecca" temples to see our gods in person. We're up at dawn, making our ritualistic sacrifices of cow or pig or chicken on our grills in parking lots to beg the Powers That Be to give victory to our god-heroes.

And some worshippers, when their gods consistently lose to other gods, switch congregations to a more successful group of gods and pretend to have been worshipping those new gods for their entire lives.

Ah, this is the College Football Church of Sports.

If sports is a religion, stadiums are our temples, and athletes are our gods, then I must be a monk to that religion. This is the reason for my recent name change to the moniker "SportMonk."

I'll reside here in my abbey with my big screen HDTV with the ESPN sports package and continue to study the intricacies of my religion year-round, writing what I learn so that others may follow the path to enlightenment I found.

My children, as you prepare spiritually for Saturday's day of worship, lift up your prayers to the Powers That Be for your gods—that they may have victory on the field of conquest and bring honor to your congregation.

And may the Sports be with you. Always.