Bi-lateral leg weakness. Wow. If you called into and told your boss you couldn’t make it one day (much less the month that Mauer is going on) due to bi-lateral leg weakness you would be A. Laughed at, B. Fired, or C. A and B.
A word of advice to Joe Mauer: Next time, please just make something up. He sprained his ankle, pulled his hamstring, had his wisdom teeth out, fell asleep in a tanning bed; anything, just not bi-lateral leg weakness.
I don’t know if that medical terminology came from Mauer or from Twins PR. Frankly, it is irrelevant. As his date to return from the 15-day DL came and went without any real insight into his return, it became painstakingly obvious even to the most ardent optimist that something other than bi-lateral leg weakness and a “nasty viral infection” may be wrong with Mauer.
I tried to write an article when this was a more relevant and recent story, but I couldn’t get past the absurdity of calling an injury bi-lateral leg weakness. So instead of a serious article examining the problems with the Twins and Mauer, I thought it more appropriate to have some fun with Mauer’s medical terminology.
Therefore, in honor of the Twins highest paid player ever making up one of the greatest condition names for sore legs that I have ever heard of, I came up with my own diagnoses for common every day ailments. Maybe you can use one to get out of work. We will call it Joe Mauer’s medical dictionary. Feel free to add any more than you may think of.
Throw out your back: Intermediate Lumbar Inflammatory Condition
Jam your finger: Metacarpal Phalangic Compression
Stub your toe: Metatarsal Phalangic Compression
Get a headache: Cranial Pressure Syndrome
Get a bloody nose: Olfactory Clotting Issues
Get a cramp: Continual Involuntary Muscle Contractions
Get a paper cut: Epidermal Laceration
Have a stomach ache: Gastrointestinal Obstructions
Have an earache: Auditory Canal Blockage
Have a fever: Systematic Core Over-Heating
Slip and fall: Functional Coordination Failure
Trip and fall: Non-Functional Coordination Failure
Get a bruise: Multi-level Sub-layered Third Degree Contusion
Gain some weight: Metabolic Efficiency Problem
Hit your funny bone: Inert High-Density Bone Relocation
Have an allergic reaction: Processed Environmental Response Disorder
Feel tired: Inadequate Cardiovascular Endurance
Get sunburned: Greater Extremity Solar Overexposure
Have a mosquito bite: Sub-dermal Protrusion
Have a rash: Surface Re-Allocation Disturbance
Need Glasses: Wet Age-Related Ocular Degeneration
Burn your finger: Skin Temperance Overload
Roll your ankle: Muscle Tendon Supination
Get a blister: Infective Perturbing Disturbance
Have a sliver: Superficial Invasive Nerve Discomfort
Have a cough: Congestive Respiratory Deficiency
Have a sore throat: Esophageal Tolerance Permutation