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Joe Mauer's Minnesota Twins Medical Dictionary

Mauer calmly explaining what the hell bi-lateral leg weakness is as his teammates look on.
Mauer calmly explaining what the hell bi-lateral leg weakness is as his teammates look on.Hannah Foslien/Getty Images
Isaac BerlingCorrespondent INovember 21, 2016

Bi-lateral leg weakness. Wow. If you called into and told your boss you couldn’t make it one day (much less the month that Mauer is going on) due to bi-lateral leg weakness you would be A. Laughed at, B. Fired, or C. A and B.  

A word of advice to Joe Mauer: Next time, please just make something up. He sprained his ankle, pulled his hamstring, had his wisdom teeth out, fell asleep in a tanning bed; anything, just not bi-lateral leg weakness.

I don’t know if that medical terminology came from Mauer or from Twins PR. Frankly, it is irrelevant. As his date to return from the 15-day DL came and went without any real insight into his return, it became painstakingly obvious even to the most ardent optimist that something other than bi-lateral leg weakness and a “nasty viral infection” may be wrong with Mauer.

I tried to write an article when this was a more relevant and recent story, but I couldn’t get past the absurdity of calling an injury bi-lateral leg weakness. So instead of a serious article examining the problems with the Twins and Mauer, I thought it more appropriate to have some fun with Mauer’s medical terminology.  

Therefore, in honor of the Twins highest paid player ever making up one of the greatest condition names for sore legs that I have ever heard of, I came up with my own diagnoses for common every day ailments. Maybe you can use one to get out of work. We will call it Joe Mauer’s medical dictionary. Feel free to add any more than you may think of. 

Enjoy. 

When you...

Throw out your back: Intermediate Lumbar Inflammatory Condition

Jam your finger:  Metacarpal Phalangic Compression

Stub your toe: Metatarsal Phalangic Compression

Get a headache: Cranial Pressure Syndrome

Get a bloody nose: Olfactory Clotting Issues

Get a cramp: Continual Involuntary Muscle Contractions

Get a paper cut: Epidermal Laceration

Have a stomach ache: Gastrointestinal Obstructions

Have an earache: Auditory Canal Blockage

Have a fever: Systematic Core Over-Heating

Slip and fall: Functional Coordination Failure

Trip and fall: Non-Functional Coordination Failure

Get a bruise: Multi-level Sub-layered Third Degree Contusion

Gain some weight: Metabolic Efficiency Problem

Hit your funny bone: Inert High-Density Bone Relocation

Have an allergic reaction: Processed Environmental Response Disorder

Feel tired: Inadequate Cardiovascular Endurance

Get sunburned: Greater Extremity Solar Overexposure

Have a mosquito bite: Sub-dermal Protrusion

Have a rash: Surface Re-Allocation Disturbance

Need Glasses: Wet Age-Related Ocular Degeneration

Burn your finger: Skin Temperance Overload

Roll your ankle: Muscle Tendon Supination

Get a blister: Infective Perturbing Disturbance

Have a sliver: Superficial Invasive Nerve Discomfort

Have a cough: Congestive Respiratory Deficiency 

Have a sore throat: Esophageal Tolerance Permutation

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