Can Everyone Please Stop Joking About Newcastle United?

Tim OatesCorrespondent IOctober 13, 2008

Normally it takes a bit of a thought process to come up with a good joke. Lately Newcastle United have been giving us ammunition, so let's fire at will. Hope you enjoy the collection of jokes, I even got a stab at Spurs (again).


Newcastle United have made a size-able sum available to buy new players.
They're opening Joe Kinnear's swear-box.


Newcastle United's trophy room has been broken into and contents stolen.
Police are currently looking for a man in possession of a black and white carpet.


Newcastle United have cancelled their nativity play this year, although they've got 11 donkeys they can only find one wise man and the Messiah has gone missing.


Newcastle United owner Mike Ashley has received an offer to buy the club from a Nigerian source.
He received an email which read:
"Dear Friend,
My late husband was foreign minister of Nigeria, and on his death he deposited USD15,000,000 in a bank account. In order to recover this money I need to deposit these funds for a short time in a European bank account. Please send me your bank account details as you are a kind man...!"


Joey Barton has just been appointed the manager of Newcastle United.
He says he wants to make a serious assault on the Premiership.


Newcastle United had negotiated a new sponsorship deal with a leading dog food manufacturer until someone pointed out that having the word "Winalot" emblazoned on their shirts would be stretching the truth a little too far.


What does a Newcastle United fan do after his team has just beat Real Madrid in the champions league?
Turn his playstation off and goes off to bed.


My mate has just called to ask if I want any tickets to watch a couple of comedy acts on 21st December.
I asked, “Who's appearing?”
He said, “Newcastle United and Spurs.”


“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, we are about to land at Newcastle Airport, passengers are reminded to set their watches back 25 years...”


Newcastle United FC have apparently set up a call centre for fans who are troubled by their latest form.
The number is 0800 10 10 10
Calls charged at peak rate for overseas users.
Once again the number is
0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.


Six players were named in a drug scandal at Newcastle United.
Shearer Cort Dyer Given Bellamy Speed.


Kevin Keegan today announced he will bring some new faces into Newcastle United.
Peter Beardsly has asked if he can have one.