The Englishman's Guide To American Sport

America has many sports. We don't play them, at least very well. If we do play them, it's under a different name; with different rules. Here I will attempt to explain what these are.

American Football

Or in America, Football. They call Football Soccerball, not English Football, because they're crazy. It's the only logical explanation. This sport is like Rugby, only you pass forwards instead of backwards (which tends to help move play up the field, the inventors of Rugby missed a trick here), and they wear armour.

This is because it's fun to hurt people in a regulated way; which you can't do in rugby—you have to hit them while the ref looks away. Teams have catchy names, such as the Jacksonville Jaguars. This name is catchy because both words start with the letter J. This sport is best played in between advert breaks.

Baseball

Or, Rounders. We don't have a baseball or rounders league. This is because only an eight-year-old would play that game. Besides, you have to catch with your weaker hand! How crazy is that. Teams here are named after the colour of their socks, or Sox—the American spelling. Interestingly enough, America win the World Series every year. I call this The Micheal Schumacher Effect.

Organised Fighting

Commonly played on ice, with hockey sticks. Americans don't play much regular hockey, because ice rinks provide a better fighting atmosphere. Interestingly, Bill Clinton owns an ice-Hockey team in Ontario (that's in Canada, for anyone who didn't know).

Soccerball

Only women and male goalkeepers play this sport. Apparently it's a bit like our football, although I'm not sure...I'll have to check my facts on this one.

I hope you are now an expert on American Sport. This guide will help you out-debate even the most seasoned fans, thanks to the incredible facts and serious tone of writing.