Your favorite contract fan is back! In this installment, Mackey compares the Big 12 to cult classic movies. Everyone feels a tie to that favorite movie that no one else has ever seen or heard of, much like the collegiate football fan.
TEXAS – A CLOCKWORK ORANGE
The burnt orange really is a good color for the angry mob and prison-bound fans and players of UT. The locker room is just like the movie: littered with rape, drugs, psychopathic behavior, and a plotline that makes no sense. Earl Campbell, Ricky Williams, Cedric Benson, and Vince Young—This pedigree of Heisman and Award-winning nutcases are about as physiologically stable as Sleezy’s ex-wife.
KANSAS – AIRHEADS
A band known as the Lone Rangers hijacks a radio station and takes the airwaves hostage to have their demo tape recorded, having aspirations of a No. 1 hit. This movie is littered with self-righteous posers and delusions of grandeur, just like kU Football. Kansas took the Big 12 by storm last year, but crumbled like the burnt cookie they are when they played a team with real BCS talent. The funniest moment in the movie comes when the Lone Rangers discover the baddest DJ on the air, Ian the Shark, is short and fat—just like our own big time DJ, Big Head. What a disappointment.
COLORADO – RUDY
It’s hard not to pull for the undersized, underdog, feel-good story that gets us all pumped up and ready to whoop even Ivan Drago’s ass. It’s a feel-good story that makes you believe that any team, at any time can take it all the way to the Rose Bowl and trot off into the sunset victorious on the field of battle.
But the BCS does one thing right, and that keeps no talent ass clowns out of the big games. No matter what the story may be for Colorado this year, in the end the undersized, underweight, red-headed ginger-kid stepchild of the B12 will get red-assed like the problem children they are.
KANSAS STATE – THE BIG LEBOWSKI
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